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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:

chooselove · 08/09/2017 18:24

If you do this, I wud do it with an Open Heart, expecting no favours in return otherwise resentment will build up & cud affect your family dynamics with db & sil!

Be Honest with yourself from the Start & if you Don't want to do it -Don't!

You have organised your time to pick up your son & will work around it! That's all that matters, de odd favour- no problem but covering full time, you Lose freedom to do things, playdates, apps, activities etc.

You seem a to be a Really Lovely Caring & Kind Lady.

if you u decided not to change your time & your db did, wud you expect him to collect your child?

Do what makes you Happy, All the best with the pregnancy & Look after yourself💕

ByGum · 08/09/2017 18:26

Why would saying no cause a row? The only way it can cause a row is if they think you can't or shouldn't say no, if this is the case they will ignore your no and try and change your mind so that you do what they want you to. Asking a favour is reasonable but reasonable people also accept when the answer is no.

Ten minutes can be a long time if it's cold and baby is grumpy. That's assuming ten minutes means ten minutes. It's almost an hour a week, over three hours a month, quite a lot of time to stand about outside, with a newborn or not. It's totally reasonable if you to say no, I do get why it's hard though, I've been in same position.

Lived round corner from school, reduced my hours as had no after school childcare, within weeks I was asked to pick up nieces from same school and keep them for half an hour, was never half an hour as sil or bil always hit traffic, often popped into supermarket on way home and what was supposed to be half an hour twice a week, soon turned into two hours everyday. I love my nieces but they were hard work and dd didn't want friends round when they were there as they'd dominate and I couldn't really say they can't go in dds room when she says in there with her friend. I know it was my own fault for not saying no, but we did have a good relationship and I didn't think they'd take advantage, I did end up resenting it a bit because it stopped being a favour and became expected and assumed. I knocked it on the head when the school offered clubs for half an hour after school. I wasn't traipsing backwards and forwards twice a day as I found it too hard (I know now I had the start of chronic condition). They arranged paid childcare.

I've recently had to quit work altogether due to health and have been asked again to have children after school and during holidays. I found it very easy to say no this time as even if I wanted to have them, I could not physically do it due to health.

LanaDReye · 08/09/2017 18:28

It won't just be 10 min it will be a regular headache. One DC will be prompt other will be late. They will take It in turns to be grumpy and you will have to stop them fighting. You'll be in busy space with people rushing past in torrential rain and your baby will wake as you're stood still. Your DB will be late because he can and you know he will as he takes the piss. You will question why you ever said yes. You will try to passively aggressively show annoyance, but he and DSIL are used to using you so he'll avoid talking about it.

Say NO!

Donttouchthethings · 08/09/2017 18:30

I think I would suggest a flexible arrangement, to suit all of you, given that your situation is changing soon. Maybe tell him that you'd like to help but you're feeling overwhelmed and just can't do it all and would appreciate more support yourself. Perhaps a week on-week off arrangement would suit?

RandomMess · 08/09/2017 18:31

Why don't you text him and get in first... "you're not planning to ask me to do the ridiculous thing of collecting DN every day after having 7 weeks to sort it out? No way can I commit to anything with how I feel at the moment and having DC2 to accommodate"

MintyChops · 08/09/2017 18:34

It is reasonable of him to ask you for a favour and you can either say yes or no, that is your right. If he or your SIL start putting pressure on you or trying to guilt you then that is very unreasonable of them.

Have a look back at all the reasons here that you do not want to get involved in this. They are perfectly valid and any reasonable person would say ok, fair enough. Why not wait and see what the favour he wants is and then tell him you need to have a think about it. Sometimes a gap between the asking of the favour and your refusal can diffuse any silly-buggery ( in terms of guilt- tripping/ anger etc)!

GreenTulips · 08/09/2017 18:37

I'm angry at them for leaving it so late in the day to figure it out

They haven't though have they? They've assumed you will be doing it for them so they haven't had anything to 'sort out'

If they argue over it then that's up to them, it's their child and their marriage and their problem

Butterymuffin · 08/09/2017 18:39

After school clubs and child minders are available for people who can't be there to collect their child at the end of school. Of course they'd have to pay for that option.

Ceto · 08/09/2017 18:39

Why on earth will it be a big problem for them if you say no? I can see you brother would be in difficulty, but all your SIL needs to do is rearrange her working day slightly.

RandomDent · 08/09/2017 18:44

I am a teacher and I would hang on to your niece for ten minutes till their parents collect her. You don't need to be involved. :o

Sprinklestar · 08/09/2017 18:45

You've posted before, haven't you?

It seems like both DB and SIL see you as a soft touch. Say no. SIL especially sounds very hands off (though we don't know what her job is) and it isn't up to you to make up for that. The DC are SIL's and BIL's responsibility. If you and SIL (or BlL) were taking it in turns to do a week of pick ups each, that could work fine. But when you're the one always doing that favour, it's not fair.

missnevermind · 08/09/2017 18:56

I do this. But mornings. I arrive at the school just after 8am and my friend drops her 3 children to me. I have 2 of mine with me. She is a teacher so very inflexible start times.
We play in the playground until 8.35 and they all go in. It's a lovely arrangement in the sunshine but in the rain and snow it's hard work.
But she doesn't take the piss and is like clockwork.
She also collects mine every afternoon and brings them home. She also takes me for coffee and bakes me cakes.
Don't settle for anything less lol.

FlakeBook · 08/09/2017 19:03

I would ask him to take your child to school in the mornings in return. Not having to get a new born ready and out of the door would be well worth ten mins hanging around in the afternoon.

Ttbb · 08/09/2017 19:04

It's only ten minutes-surely it doesn't matter if he is 10 minutes late to pick up? When I was a child teachers would wait with us for 30 mins for pick up.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 08/09/2017 19:04

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 08/09/2017 19:15

flake has a point

DingDongDenny · 08/09/2017 19:15

10 minutes is a long time when you standing in the cold

Hidingtonothing · 08/09/2017 19:21

How would you feel about having DN if you could head straight home rather than hanging around? If it's just the hanging around that's the issue I would just say yes, you'll do it but he'll have to catch you up/pick DN up from your house. It's not unreasonable for DB to have to go out of his way to make the favour he's asking of you doable for you.

thatdearoctopus · 08/09/2017 19:29

I am a teacher and I would hang on to your niece for ten minutes

Really? Our school won't do that - loads of parents taking the piss, so if they're late to pick-up, the child is sent to after-school club and the parent is billed.

thatdearoctopus · 08/09/2017 19:30

It's only ten minutes-surely it doesn't matter if he is 10 minutes late to pick up?

Of course it bloody matters! You expect the school to do free childcare because you can't be arsed to organise your own life properly?!

Pibplob · 08/09/2017 19:40

I would do it. 10 mins is nothing by the time they have actually come out of school and you're actually leaving.

Original poster

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 19:41

Our school won't hang on daily to a child for 10minutes, on occasion yes ofcourse but not for someone that is late every single day.

OP posts:

stella23 · 08/09/2017 19:48

When he collects now at 3.40 is he on time?

TBH I'd wait 10 mins if he was on time now, but make it clear if sickness, after school clubs are on you can't and won't do those days.

mineallmine · 08/09/2017 19:53

I'm a teacher and I'd be mightily pissed off if a parent was 10 minutes late every day and expected me to wait with their child. Your DB and DSIL need to sort out their own arrangements and 'use' you for emergencies only.

I used to look after a friend's child when I was off work for 2 years. The boys were friends and in the same class and in the end I had to put an end to the arrangement for all the reasons you've already thought of. Play dates were a nuisance, if I wanted to go anywhere after school I had two in tow - my own ds could have stayed with my parents or my neighbour if I wanted to do an errand for example. It became a chore and also the boys became sick of each other because they were forced into each other's company every single day.

Say no now or you will come to really resent your DB and SIL. It's much easier to say no now, no matter how difficult it is, than to back out of the arrangement down the line.

Appuskidu · 08/09/2017 20:03

I think that's taking the piss; I would say exactly what you said in your OP.

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