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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 08/09/2017 17:57

he's your brother. you can tell him the truth. it IS a big ask.

eddielizzard · 08/09/2017 17:58

is there a provision at school where they can hang onto him for 15 min?

museumum · 08/09/2017 17:58

If you'll have a newborn soon then definitely definitely arrange to share the pick ups between you. You'd be so happy for a couple weeks f days with the baby when you don't need to come be out.

Branleuse · 08/09/2017 17:59

I would do this for my brother. I would do it for any of my friends.

NapQueen · 08/09/2017 17:59

If its definetly 3.30 every day, that he finises, and would be 3.40 collect then yeah I would do it.

Put yourself at the back of the queue of Y1 parents so the boys are the last let out of the class abd that leaves you what? 5 mins max of standing round til bro arrives?

Though if SIL Wfh could she not take a short break to collect daily?

OuaisMaisBon · 08/09/2017 17:59

Well, if you can rearrange your own work hours to finish 10 minutes early, shouldn't your brother at least make an effort to do the same himself?

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 08/09/2017 18:04

red you've posted about these two before havnt you? Are you very close to your brother and his wife takes the piss with childcare ?

Absolutely 100% just say no. Just say ' I just don't want the forever commitment of it'

You do not have to feel guilty or responsible for it.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 18:05

No he finishes at 3:30 and pickup used to be at 3:40 it has been changed to 3:30 so he will still onl my be able to get there at 3:40 as I know he rushes like a maniac to do that as it was.
SIL isn't "lazy" she works extremely hard BUT when it comes to the logistics of her children she leaves it to my DB and he leans on me and my DParents a lot as he can't always manage it and I don't work much and they are both retired.

OP posts:
Tour · 08/09/2017 18:05

I'm amazed you both have jobs that mean you can finish so early. It's ten minutes you have to decide whether that's worth falling out over.

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 18:06

Imonlyfuckinghuman yep you have well and truly found me

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 08/09/2017 18:07

She works from home and can't finish earlier to pick up her son?

incredulous

fuzzywuzzy · 08/09/2017 18:09

What would happen if you just said no.

No excuses, no apology just simply nope

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 18:11

I can just say no but I really don't want to fallout over it. It's very difficult because if I say no then the knock on effect is that him and SIL will have a big problem on their hands, he can't leave work earlier (he isn't a teacher but something along those lines) and she can't seem to beyond work. I'm angry at them for leaving it so late in the day to figure it out which will leave them in a bad scenario

OP posts:
Lanaa · 08/09/2017 18:14

Honestly it's just ten minutes, by the time kids have finished faffing/looking for lost lunch boxes and water bottles it will be 3:40 anyway.

This isn't a personal criticism but it saddens me that so many people wouldn't be willing to do a simple thing like this for their own family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2017 18:15

Some parents at dds school are systematically 10 mins late. I don't know what the teachers say about this. If you are always rescuing them they will never learn. If the teacher has an issue they can bring it up with the actual parent.

plantsitter · 08/09/2017 18:16

Yeah but none of that is your problem. You do help them. You don't have to say 'no' horribly, just that you don't want the commitment but you're still happy to have him on Thursdays (if you are).

plantsitter · 08/09/2017 18:17

Lanaa do you do a similar favour for family every single day?

MadMags · 08/09/2017 18:18

I think a variation of what fizzy suggests is the way to go.

"Hi DB. Just thinking, I know you said you had a favour to ask but I have one to ask of you, too. Obviously with me expecting I won't be able to do Thursday pick up anymore but since it's a nightmare not to plan childcare stuff in advance, could I ask that you pick up DS for the week that I have new baby? Just until I've settled. Thanks. :)"

I'm not saying you'll want him for childcare but it's a way of shutting down any forthcoming cheeky fuckery!

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 08/09/2017 18:18

red in the nicest possible way - it ain't your problem. If you wasn't around they would have to get their shit together.

Your really not the problem here - they are. (Dsil)

Bit the bullet and ride the fall out, out. Life will go on, no one has died. You are not responsible for their kid. They are. Millions of other parents manage it!

Good luck!

kali110 · 08/09/2017 18:19

his isn't a personal criticism but it saddens me that so many people wouldn't be willing to do a simple thing like this for their own family.
The op doesn't mind doing it every now and then, she doesn't want to do it for a yesr!
There's a simple favour and then there's taking the piss!

BackforGood · 08/09/2017 18:20

Like most, I'd say that I couldn't commit to this as an ongoing thing. I don't understand why SiL can't come and meet him, if she wfh, and then do the 1/2 hour that it takes to do that, after her dh has got home - ie, just finishe later (or start earlier or not take a lunchbreak or whatever suits her).
or
See if he will take your ds in with him every morning - in which case, it would be worthwhile doing it.

'Helping out' to me, is a short term or occasional thing, not an endless daily commitment.

idontwannaneedthem · 08/09/2017 18:21

YANBU tell them that you aren't wrap around care.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 08/09/2017 18:21

I like the idea of actually asking him to do pick ups too!

Hermanfromguesswho · 08/09/2017 18:22

When are you due?
Can you say yes, that sounds great to his suggestion and say it's perfect timing as you'll be able to do it up until the baby is due and they can then pick up both boys and drop your DS to you once you've had the baby for a few weeks in return...

SisterhoodisPowerful · 08/09/2017 18:23

This won't just be 10 minutes though. They've already form for taking advantage of you. Your brother needs to sit down with his wife and discuss how they will deal with childcare for at least the next 6 years. Because this won't be 10 minutes a day for a year. It'll be 15-20 minutes every day for the next 6 years. With moaning about days you can't do because of illness.

If this was a mutual relationship with both of you supporting each other, that would be completely different. But, it isn't. It's you picking up the slack for them. That isn't fair.

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