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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL am I being U to say no

269 replies

RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 16:34

I've had to NC because this could definitely out me....
Ok so really not sure if I'm U, I don't think I am but I want to make sure before this potentially turns into a huge family argument.
My DS and my nephew are in the same class in year 1, we had an email at the end of term (July) to inform us that KS1 would be coming out from now on at 3:30 instead of 3:40, me and other parents that I know had to adjust working hours to do this pick up time (I only had to change one day as the two other days I work I finish at lunch)... My DB and DSIL have a habit of leaving everything to the last minute and if I'm being honest she leaves near enough all sorting out of the children to him, he works in an office and she WFH. Today he picked DN up from mine (as I had collected him three times this week as they finished abit earlier to resettle them in and I didn't mind helping out) and he said to me I need to ask you a favour but I'll call you over the weekend as I'm in a rush. Now I KNOW I just KNOW that he is going to ask me to collect DN with DS everyday and wait for him to get there, this will mean everyday waiting around for him for 10minutes. AIBU to say no? I don't mind helping out every now and then even once or twice a week or something but I don't want to be tied down to this arrangement 5 days a week for the whole of KS1, I'm pregnant and will have a newborn aswell by the end of the year and I don't want this pressure everyday. If you think I'm not BU then how do I say it without causing an argument as I don't want to fall out, we help each other out with the kids frequently.

OP posts:
noenergy · 08/09/2017 17:11

U haven't said if they ever have your son?

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 17:12

I wouldn't offer to take him back to mine as it doesn't solve any of the problems. I do more for them than they do for me BUT I have to be fair that anytime I've asked for help they have done but I've never asked for regular childcare from them

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2017 17:13

I'd do it three times a week if they picked up ds twice a week. Or if they offered to do all the pick ups for a while once the baby is born or some such. It cuts both ways.

kali110 · 08/09/2017 17:13

No yanbu at all!
You've just helped them for a year already??

ittakes2 · 08/09/2017 17:16

I feel for you - while 10mins doesn't sound like a long time, waiting a around especially in the rain would be a pain. Also, depends on how long your dn takes to get out of their classroom etc as it could be more than 10mins. It's kind of not fair on you though so you need to say no.

eddielizzard · 08/09/2017 17:17

it's a HUGE ask. i know it's only 10 min but it does add massive pressure on, esp as you'll have a newborn. i would say i can't deal with the rigidity and the pressure. it really restricts your flexibility and you will really need it.

Gemini69 · 08/09/2017 17:18

it's never just 10 minutes OP... if you commit to this.. you can expect this to be 'a given' and they will increase their hours accordingly and add to their income based on your free childcare...

Say No... it prevents you getting on with 'whatever' you choose to day even given day... Flowers

chocatoo · 08/09/2017 17:21

I would say 'ah glad you asked because I will be needing support when baby is born and will be needing you to reciprocate: I will bring DN home until baby arrives, after that you bring DS home (for x weeks/months). After that, I will have to see how things are panning out with the baby'

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/09/2017 17:22

They can always ask someone else, perhaps someone who lives nearby, could walk him home.
Under your circumstances, you're entitled to say no. When the baby comes, they'll have to figure something else out, anyway, so best do it now, then it's sorted.

Largebucket · 08/09/2017 17:23

If his work is literally around the corner, could you collect and drop you DN at its reception? Or is it further and in wrong direction?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 08/09/2017 17:24

Is the Thursday pick up still happening?
Could you offer to do until half term so that gives them 5ish weeks to get something sorted?

ifonly4 · 08/09/2017 17:24

If it's 10 mins, then maybe you could do it, but it has to be a very flexible arrangement at say 48 hours notice if you can't make it. Your life will change over the next few years, you'll want to rush off after school for something like broken shoes, having fun with your own DC and won't be doing school pick up because your DC has gone off to a friends - by summer of the term year my DD was off to a friends at least once a week! Also, what happens if you're ill, I had a month on and off where I really couldn't do pick up and I had to get other local parents to help, they're hardly going to stand around and wait with your nephew.

MatildaTheCat · 08/09/2017 17:27

I wouldn't want to commit. What happens when he's running five or ten minutes late? Say what you posted up thread. However,you might really appreciate some morning drop offs when the new baby comes so perhaps use that as some leverage to agree a compromise rather than a flat 'no?'

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2017 17:28

Maybe it's time for you to have slightly misheard what your brother said, what with him having to run off so quickly and all...

Text him before he texts you...

'Hiya, you know you said about asking if you could do me a favour - really, don't worry about it. It was fine doing every Thursday last year and I don't want you to feel that you are indebted or have to pay me back, it's not like that! Plus, I'm sure I'll be calling on you pretty soon as it is once I get further along and especially when I have the newborn, it will be pretty tough and I'll definitely be asking for some favours with pick up times especially. Thinking ahead, I don't know whether you'll be changing your hours or whether SIL will be doing pick ups now, but if the latter I know it'll be a big help if some days DS could go back to yours when I have the baby, just like we did the Thursdays. That would be fine, no need for more. Thanks so much!'

There is no way on earth he will reply to that with 'Actually you misunderstood, we weren't offering you a favour, we were going to ask YOU to do the pickups for OUR child.' Not unless they are the cheekiest fuckers going!!!

MonochromeDog · 08/09/2017 17:30

I'd do it, and just take him back to yours. But I would let them know that there will be many times when they'll have to get him themselves, like if your DS is ill, or going to a friends, and especially when you're at your due date.

As an aside, you're so lucky having your DS and nephew at the same age! I'd love it if my dds and my nephew were similar ages! (10 years between my youngest and my nephew).

Gannicusthemannicus · 08/09/2017 17:30

I'd say you are happy to do it for the next couple of weeks until something is sorted, but no longer. They might say its 10 minutes now but what is to stop them taking longer when they know you are there to look after DN.
Plus, who wants to be standing around when pregnant, that 10 minutes is going to get tedious very quickly.

Maybe I'm being dim though, but surely if SIL needs to stop work normally to collect DN, its the exact same arrangement, just 10 minutes earlier?

londonista · 08/09/2017 17:31

I would do it and make sure he knows he owes you ... you'll need these banked favours when your baby comes!!

RebeccatheOld · 08/09/2017 17:33

Hmmm I don't think I'd do it. 10 minutes will turn to 20 to 30, before you know it you're looking after your DN every evening after school.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/09/2017 17:33

They don't need 5 weeks or whatever to get anything sorted though do they? I mean the child's mother could do it, but (possibly, to be fair they haven't asked yet) doesn't want to. The father works in an office and is able to leave at 3.30 which suggests he has some flexibility given office hours are generally business hours. Surely he could do it three days a week and make up the time the other two days when his wife does it. Not that it's Ops job to suggest solutions but the point is that theres no reason this can't be covered between the child's own parents!

peatree24 · 08/09/2017 17:40

This request (if this is what it turns out to be) is completely bizarre. Dear SIL needs to rearrange her working hours to stop 10 minutes earlier. At least for 2 days of the week. Or they each need to take turns. Or something. What's with people expecting others to do their child minding???
I agree with other posters to perhaps not say outright no - banking favours and all that - perhaps you can still do Thursdays and wait the 10 minutes one other day... but no more than that.

Working from home isn't as casual as some make out - its still work. Surely easier to rearrange hours if you are your own boss though.
Good luck.

SeaCabbage · 08/09/2017 17:44

You 've given loads of reasons why you don't want to do it and I don't blame you. You could say that to DB, "I thought you were going to ask me that and there are lots of reasons why it won't work."

I think you should say no. They are only in Year One, if you start being a doormat now, it will go on for years. However, if you say no to this one, then they will know that they cannot assume that they can forever abuse your kindness. It sends out a firm message. And they sound like the kind of people you have to be firm with.

Let them sort out their own stuff.

Also, love fizzy's idea about getting in there first - hilarious.

WhyOhWine · 08/09/2017 17:46

i think i might offer to do it a couple of days (at least until baby is born) but then one of the other days they do the same for you so you dont have to change your hours.

jjbutt · 08/09/2017 17:46

In your position, I would be storing up favours for the future.You don't know when you or the baby are going to be sick, late getting out of work etc and need help with the pick-up

GreenTulips · 08/09/2017 17:55

Why can't SIL do it?

Is DB a teacher as well? Would explain finishing times

I think you'll have days where you just can't get him and DB will be complaining

He has 2 parents both working so they need to arrange childcare or SIL needs to pick up - is she's being lazy because you do it for them?

Original poster
RedSunflowers · 08/09/2017 17:56

I don't think I need to store up favours because I feel like I do plenty already to give them a hand and I wouldn't mind if they were just asking me for a favour but I genuinely think he will ask me to do it daily until the end of the year.
SIL doesn't normally pick DN up DB does, he finishes at 3:30 and then would make pick up at 3:40

OP posts:
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