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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/09/2017 10:37

And dear God having a job does not make you too busy to arrange a sodding meal.

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:38

I didn't change the plans I offered to help her after I told her x date and time didn't suit. (that why i checked with venue and pil if this date and time suited) i didnt book anything.
She got the hump. And still is refusing to speak to anyone

OP posts:
CurryInAHurry · 09/09/2017 10:38

You and your DH all so busy with WORK, 14 hours a day, too busy to RESPOND or organise anything.....

As if everyone else has all the time in the world to work around you and your hardworking martyrdom!

Maybe unfair, but this is how you come across here, so may we'll be the same for your SIL.

How simple would it have been for your DH to have said 'sure, go ahead and organise but avoid xyz date because we are busy '? Doubtless he was too busy with his uninterruptible job and your SIL is told she can go ahead and organise but is expected to check back at every move.

CurryInAHurry · 09/09/2017 10:39

She was set up to fail.

You need to apologise.

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shumpalumpa · 09/09/2017 10:40

why did you bother posting if you just going to keep on that you're not after everyone says you are

I don't think OP is BU. Please don't speak for me.

CurryInAHurry · 09/09/2017 10:41

She was set up to fail and then you went talking to the venue and FIL before talking to her, about her own father's party.

happypoobum · 09/09/2017 10:42

Then I told DH about our plans on x date he said S mentioned a meal for Ds bday. I thought you said you arranged it back in April?

So had you not told him all this time (it's now your fault) or had he forgotten? (back to being his fault)

I agree with PP, I just can't imagine why SIL doesn't want to liaise with you OP, you sound lovely.

orangeowls · 09/09/2017 10:42

I haven't read all the responses on this thread but I have read yours OP and I think you are being given a hard time. Like others I initially thought your DH was at fault but then you highlighted that 1) He agreed to it happening but not a date and 2) They have been told to run these things past you before. Therefore she is at fault and should have checked with you properly. She is also crazy to refuse to move it - I think she is just being petty.

Fortheloveofdog · 09/09/2017 10:45

My DH is a lorry driver. If he doesn't know what the plans are he either says he will check and get back to them or asks them to get in touch with me to check.
Yabu he should have a) asked when she was thinking and b) told you at the time. He has to have breaks required by law that would allow him time to send a text or 2 minutes on the phone.
It sounds like your sil is trying to do something nice and encourage family time. You sound like you are deliberately obtuse and take pleasure in ruining her plans.
Your DH did not put any restrictions or caveats on her plans.

Boulshired · 09/09/2017 10:45

If I phoned my brother for a date involving our parents and he told me "speak to my wife" my response would be "you speak to her and when you have an answer call me back". His wife maybe his social secretary but I am not. Your DH is a lorry driver and before digital tacho he would of done them manually so must have some organisational skill, enough to sort out arrangements for a meal out. Does he get his mates to phone you as well or does he manage to sort that himself.

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RestingBitchFaced · 09/09/2017 10:46

YABU! You sound like hard work OP

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:46

orangeowls - thanks Smile

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 10:48

Having read 150 billionty pages, I think the issue is that sil assumed she had carte Blanche to decide which date without discussing the actual date first. Then announced the date as booked and a fait accompli. If this is the case, the sil is being unreasonable. However, this is something the op failed to mention for a substantial amount of the thread so it's not clear if this was actually the case.

I suspect this is more a case of miscommunication. And as you have admitted you don't like your sil, it's highly likely she doesn't like you and is digging her heels in because of your attitude and stalemate has been reached. Furthermore, you know that your dh has an inability to plan effectively and are excusing him.

Had both your sil and your dh been more proactive and communicative with one another, this silly drama could have been avoided.

Crikey how many more pages of the same stuff do we need?

Have you or your dh contacted your sil or are you enjoying the drama?

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:50

I am too busy to be arranging things all the time. It was and is hassle that I could really do without. And wouldn't have had if shed only asked me if I was free in the first place.. Im not going to assume something suits her if her husband doesn't fully commit to an arrangement and just say 'whatever' cause he is busy!

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFilter · 09/09/2017 10:52

I have just ran this op passed dh and his first words were so the dh fucked it up. He also pointed out that if his birthday is on the Sunday night then it was a reasonable assumption to make that she would book something for the Saturday night. TBH once she had the conversation with your dh she shouldn't have to mention it again. He is an adult and she assumed it had been sorted. She is not his mother you are so she seen no need to keep chasing it up.

Your dh is the one that didn't mention it until last minute she had spoken to him it was then his job to discuss it with you not his sister's job to follow it up.
I do laugh at the irony of you saying she is a control freak because your absolute insistence on this thread that your dh cannot be expected to sort his out and your insistence that you and only you have control over the family calendar makes it look very much the other way around.

Fwiw in our house we check with each other if things like this come up neither has ultimate responsibility for social planning because things come up and people are fallible so not everything ends up on the calendar and quite frankly sometimes we just can't be arsed.
I do feel like the people telling you that your dh was the unread one are pudding in to the wind though you hate your sil so just won't accept it.

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 10:52

@cupofcake could you please elucidate as to where you feel I said that? I said one of my friends is in the RNLI so we make allowances for her pager going off, because that's fair enough, and the other friend is just scatty so it can be annoying, as there really isn't a reason. How does that translate to saying my friends are better than you? Hmm

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 09/09/2017 10:52

*pissing into the wind although puffing may have the same effect.

Leilaniii · 09/09/2017 10:52

My IL's will only liaise with my DH then wonder when everything goes to shit. You're not alone, OP.

I do feel a bit sorry for your SIL though. Did you have no idea at all that there could be a dinner happening at all?

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:55

I had no ideas until yday morning after I mgs her to see what she was thinking of doing..

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 09/09/2017 10:58

I have just ran this op passed dh and his first words were so the dh fucked it up

Close up the thread folks, MrLooksbetterwithafilter has spoken and

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 11:00

Sorry I am the one looking down on ppl and not FenellaMaxwellsPony?

I didnt say she wasnt but you are also doing it.

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