Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 09/09/2017 09:57

Ah grannytomine I do so enjoy the way you rewrite posts to fit your own narrative.

No one said that they were happy for the OP's husband to commit them to something they couldn't attend. Just that he should either have said 'I don't know, you need to ask hillside' or 'I can't tell you at the moment, will need to check the calendar'. Anything really other than leaving it in the SIL's court to sort out when he had no idea whether or not they had plans in the diary.

Him being a lorry driver is totally irrelevant.

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gizlotsmum · 09/09/2017 09:59

Grannies I will talk to DH family ( and him mine) and make arrangements but if he says sure whatever to something I then don't expect them to double check with me. My DH should double check with me if he isn't sure. I wouldn't commit to something for both of us without checking with him but I wouldn't expect the organiser to check with each of us having checked with one.

Also I wouldn't tell the organiser to rearrange it having checked that the restaurant had space.. that's rude

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 09/09/2017 10:00

Personally I don't want lorry drivers, bus drivers or even car drivers organising their social life while they are driving.

Please, show me one person on this thread who thinks it's a good idea to do it while driving.

He is not working 24/7; there is plenty of time for him to tell his wife what his sisters plans are or, heaven forbid, check a calendar.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 09/09/2017 10:07

Aaargh this is so annoying! OPs attitude is basically well durrr, everyone knows it's the woman's job to organise and keep track of social commitments. Ffs Hmm

I've read I'm sure hundreds of threads over the years from posters frustrated with their family's and ILs insistence on placing responsibility for all thinking and remembering on the woman in a couple. MIL didn't get a birthday card? DILs fault. PILs want to visit? Arrange through DIL. God forbid a mere man might be expected to exercise his brain about anything other than his job. BOOKS have been written about this issue! But clearly there are still women who think that's perfectly normal and correct. Depressing really.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/09/2017 10:08

Granny - the OPs DH works shifts, his sister can't be expected to memorise when he is and isn't working, if he answers and is working, a normal adult would say "that sounds like a great plan, I'm driving now so can't check we're free, can you call my wife at home and she'll look at the calendar."

The problem isn't a woman calling her brother to arrange a joint dinner for their parents, rather than asking his wife, the problem is once he'd agreed to the idea, he didn't admit he didn't know if that particular date was free or not.

graziemille · 09/09/2017 10:11

OP, my DH's a bit useless too at dates due to a heavy workload and dependent on me to sort our diary.....so I get where you're coming from.
Why not take FIL and MIL out with your family on Sunday? Or invite them to yours? Two days of celebrating is better than one!
And ask SIL along on the Sunday too if you wish. SIL can still take her dad out on Saturday as arranged.

beluga425 · 09/09/2017 10:12

This thread is ridiculous...
Why did I just bother reading the lot.

Hillside: is SIL BU?
A few MNers: no, afriad you are and your DH is VU.
Hillside: no, no, no you're all wrong because of lorries
300 More MNers: no you and DH really are BU
Hillside: No I'm not so there and lorries
5000 MNers: Are too
Hillside: Am not
FenellasPoshPony: My friends are better than you
Hillside: OMG OMG how very dare you
thread totally derailed...

Shumpalumpa · 09/09/2017 10:21

Because fair enough to forget something consistently if you are rushing around to save someone from a potentially brain haemorrhage, not so much if you are delivering multipacks of crisps.

Fenella, this is a silly comparison, neither a neurosurgeon or a lorry driver should be checking their calendar when performing brain surgery or driving a lorry.

If OP's in-laws persist in arranging things without OP who manages the family calendar, then they shouldn't count DH or his family attending their events. But OP will need to desist from asking them to change things.

Fabellini · 09/09/2017 10:23

DPs response to any invitation whether it comes from friends or family is "that sounds great, I'll just double check with Fab that we don't have anything else on and then give you a shout back".
Then we check the calendar, if we already we have plans we don't normally change them, because it's rude to do that (depending on what the new invite is.....obviously we would rearrange cinema trip with friends, if family wedding suddenly appeared late) have a quick discussion about whether we actually want to go to whatever has been mentioned to him....and then he gets back to whoever it was.
I say the same to invitations I get too.
Works for us Smile

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:24

He didn't agree to a date!!! Jeez he agreed to her organising the meal as WE are too busy due to work. And she doent work so has the free time to do so!!!
I'm annoyed bcos if she wanted me and my children to attend surely she should have asked me? If I am free on x date at x time.. And not just assume bcos we didnt help organise we are obv free the whole month.. then just land it on us last min.
I would most likely not know anything still if I hadn't mgs her yday to see what arrangements she was thinking not booked and all!! Of doing for FIL bday.. my D'S bday is 5 days after FIL so I wouldn't have just assumed she'd pick his date and that'll be..

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 09/09/2017 10:25

So if I understand this, she called your family to check, got the all clear and went ahead.

You found you had other plans for the night so you went behind her back to check dates with the other attendees and venue and then ordered her to change her plans for your convenience and when she didn't like that, you got angry.

And these are plans for her parents.

I'd be fit to be tied if I were her. You have massively overstepped.

Shumpalumpa · 09/09/2017 10:27

Did SIL rely on you to communicate details of DS's birthday, OP, rather than her DB?

00alwaysbusymum · 09/09/2017 10:28

My SIL purposely only texts my husband about dates and meals etc, even if I have asked what shall we do for FILs birthday she will respond I will think about it and then texts my OH!
She does it on purpose to just make life more of a drama knowing full well my oh juggles his own business and all the childcare / school runs etc as is the most forgetful person we know

So just want to say you have my complete sympathies - but I do say to my OH if SIL calls to make plans tell her to speak to me !

Shumpalumpa · 09/09/2017 10:29

MrsDusty - RTFT. The date was not agreed.

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 09/09/2017 10:30

So DH gave her carte blanche to sort it out.

I know you have described him as being fairly incapable, but let's assume he knows when his own fathers birthday is? And he knows you have prior plans for an event around the same time. So why didn't he say, yeah great, but not X date, we can't make that?

I'm annoyed bcos if she wanted me and my children to attend... Let's be honest, she probably isn't that bothered that you aren't coming, seeing as you are so hostile to her.

It really does come across as PP have said. You are used to controlling everything and resent her coming home and taking a tiny little bit of power away from you. Also agree with PP you should just leave them to it and let DH make plans from now on. It's clearly winding you up to have the competition.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:30

No wrong. She called her brother to say she was going to plan a meal out for x amount of ppl for FIL bday.
He said sure whatever as he was at work.
She didn't mention it again.

Then I told DH about our plans on x date he said S mentioned a meal for Ds bday.. I mgs and she says it's booked here on and at.... yet didn't ask if it suited.. But obv we are bu. And not her. Hmm

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 09/09/2017 10:31

MrsDusty - RTFT. The date was not agreed.

So when this woman rang her brother about their parents birthday and he said "Yeah, whatevs" she was supposed to know that wasn't agreement?

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 10:33

Yes he agreed to her organising something but not to a date.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 09/09/2017 10:34

I just can't believe that you think going behind her back to see if she could change plans she'd made for her parents is OK.

Shumpalumpa · 09/09/2017 10:34

Try training him to a) say what he means

This is just more wifework, surely?

Figgygal · 09/09/2017 10:35

Ffs yes you and dh are unreasonable why did you bother posting if you just going to keep on that you're not after everyone says you are. Maybe she should change date if everyone else can do it but doesn't mean she was wrong to set it up when she did after your dh said whatever!!

What's so important that you can't cancel what you've got planned??

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/09/2017 10:36

Maybe they want to speak to him to arrange things because they don't like speaking to you.