To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

I had this exact problem with some ladies I met through babycentre site we got on wonderfully whilst pregnant & when our babies were tiny & not doing much but the cracks started to show and finally we all had a massive row I only speak to 2 of them now looking back the only thing we had in common was babies born the same month. We shared deepest darkest stuff only to later be called names was really upsetting at the time however now almost a year on I miss the good times but glad they & their negativity are behind me. X

'I always figured the eye watering cost of the classes handily weeds out any undesirables too'
When we went to NCT (admittedly 14 yrs ago) we were given the option to make a donation if the cost was too much. We have what we could afford. I think we were a real novelty in the group- 2 musicians who got their by bus, in a group of bankers (all of them!) who almost all arrived individually in cars.

What a nasty piece of work! She isn't speaking for the group, it wouldn't have been a pm if that were the case!

Definitely send HiJenny's suggested response, you have nothing to lose given this nasty piece of work has made you feel like you need to stop socialising with the group!

She deserves to be called up on it and reap what she sews!

Our NCT group was in a "nice" part of London. Was a disappointment tbh! Really OTT about home made organic everything! When we moved away it was refreshing that kids were allowed to have "junk" party food at birthdays rather than tabouleh and houmus 😂

Personally I'd message the entire group that 'cool' friend has let her know people think she is humble bragging and that you wanted to set the record straight and tell them that you know they all advance differently and everyone's struggles are relative, that you've found them a lifeline in dealing with your dds poor sleep. But if people feel you're acting poorly to let you know.

I think you will fond this supposed cool friend is not talking for the group VERY quickly.

So what is cool about this so called friend ? Nothing cool about her comments. Be cool treat her with contempt she deserves block her on whats app. Carry on with your group and view what she said as saying more about her than you or your mothering skills. All babies are different at different stages and the fact you were seeking advice demonstrates love. I wish you well

Have you replied?

wow she sounds a complete prat
Ignore her, I bet the others do not feel that way and she is just being rude.
Sending hugs and keep going with the group but put her comments down to ignorance.

I highly suspect she is insanely jealous, or is just trying a very snidey devious attempt to push you out. I agree with the MNers here that say you need to copy and paste her message onto your Whassap NCT group and 'apologise' if you upset anyone, because I really believe none of them have said anything of the kind and have no idea what that spiteful cow has said. Show her true colours to the group!

Also the comparison thing of first time parents is utterly cringeworthy. As they get older this dawns on most people who are careful not to talk like this for example comparing reading levels or gcse results would be socially unacceptable.

Also the month a baby crawls or talks etc is most of the time utterly irrelevant unless flagging some medical issue.

I had a NCT group of ' friends' like this, trust me, this is not you.

Ignore the message and do not dignify with a comment. But continue to act as if nothing has happened. It is not worth worrying about.

Ditch the group if they are bringing you down, find some new mums to hang out with as I did, and the minute I did I felt so liberated and happy. You may not have family nearby or friends, but you sound like a lovely person whom will make new friends very easily. You need to be much more picky going forward, and your new friends could be people you truly like and enjoy being with.

Time to pack up your nappy bag and join some new clubs and get togethers! In a few months you won't even remember her name!

Continue to enjoy your baby and remember they are not life long friends nor are they likely to be, so choose your next set carefully.

Ah OP, going through something similar at the minute although nothing confrontational. Just a bit of backhandedness from one mum in our group. To be honest if it were me and my "Mummies" I'd post in the actual whatsapp group saying "cool mummy" has said XYZ and I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone etc etc.
You'll probably find it isn't any of the others with an issue it's her. Or one of them maybe made a passing comment on a "bad day" and she's jumped at it. Either way pretty sure "cool mummy" wouldn't be so chipper being called out infront of people. Watch the excuses start to flow!

She is a bully. If she had something that she thought was acceptable to all, she would have said it on the group. You say the group has become quiet? How do we know that she has not been sending divisive messages to other people. Big girl pants on. Send a message to the group and ask if you had really made them feel as you "friend" said. And watch her house of cards crumble. xx

'Or one of them maybe made a passing comment on a "bad day" and she's jumped at it.'

Guarantee it's something like this. Sadly in group scenarios there are often those who need to bitch about others to make them feel more secure in their own position in the group. Others get drawn in even if it's not usually their thing. The fact that you're moving away making you less 'important' within the group will have given her even more confidence to do this.

She sounds desperately insecure, OP, and perhaps some of the others in the group are and have jumped on the bandwagon. I would not be surprised if she has a couple of allies.

I would absolutely tell them how hurt you are and that they are wrong about you and are disappointed that they thought you would be like that - i.e. turn the tables as you have not upset someone even unwittingly. They have chosen to twist and misinterpret what has actually been quite an unpleasant experience for you. The fact that your child is slightly ahead is just an aside and I know you see it like that too.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can really pull back from this and I guess their jealousy is kind of a backhanded compliment even if it was not wanted - you'd rather have had them as friends.

I did find new motherhood a bit like this, tbh. The whole solidarity thing is a bit of a myth as everyone experiences it differently and I found many adults went back to the playground themselves.

I haven't rtft yet but I wanted to share my experience, having had a miserable cry-y baby that seemed nothing like virtually everyone else's gurgly cooing babies. Every group I attended I stood the whole time bouncing my upset baby, left early when she started outright crying, and generally felt like it was me somehow making this child miserable or at least not being able to help her be content.

Three years on I have the most adorable and loving gentle -hearted cuddly hilarious child in the whole world. She's the best. Hang in there, it's cliché but it does get better.

lelapaletute (fabulous name). I think this woman is mean. If the others in the group feel this way they should speak to you on their own behalf, I would imagine she doesn't, and cannot, speak for the group.

Any time we express any kind of concern for our babies/children or take pleasure in any achievements, our genuine friends should share our concern and share our happiness.

Group app things are hard to handle. As you are moving why not gather the eails/mobile numbers of the whole group, maybe meet up with the best of them one to one if possible at times and as you are moving away you can just say you don't want to lose touch.

Put aside these unkind comments.

Make new friends in your new area through baby or toddler groups.

Babies are not mirrors or sounding back boards that just reflect back what their parent feels. A positive environment is good for a baby, I am sure, but babies have their own feelings too.

I;m assuming if you have any concerns about eating/sleeping etc you've looked into colic or whatever with the GP.

I am now only really in touch with one lady from my baby group. It turns out we have shared issues with our (now 12 year old) daughters. It's nice we have a connection fro way back, but I have other friends who are fab and have no such connection.

Personally, I would cut engagement with her. It seems, out of the blue she accessed you of bragging, when you were asking for help. SAhe was also patronizing that somehow she felt she had made her child happy.

Do not allow this to take away your support or alienate you.

She needs to beware! My baby who ate anything, even Chilli con Carne as a toddler, has turned into a right fuss pot about food. They do change and she is in for a total surprise if she thinks she will be in control of all those changes. She won't!

If they were true friends, they would be there to support you through these times, my daughter is three now and at the beginning I was overloaded with information from other parents telling me this and that. Because your so worried about failing your child you take all these opinions to heart. I completely know why your going through. The anxiety of trying to do the right thing can sometimes be upsetting, exhausting and deflating. also the lack of sleep contributes to that too. You sound like your doing a wonderful job. That woman has obviously been talking behind your back, and at this stage in yours and your child's life, this negativity and rudeness is so unkind and inconsiderate. friends should lift you up not vent their jelousy at you. We're all in the same boat. Looking after a baby is bloody tough, and your smashing it.. so don't let them get to you. I'd advise getting a new group of friends. Ones who appreciate how challenging it can be xx

...accused you of bragging..."

*She was also patronizing ..."

Sounds like she's jealous that your baby is more physically advanced than hers and is trying to belittle you so she can feel like top dog. Don't give her the satisfaction of stepping back from the group, I would call her bluff and post on the group chat that XX has told you that they feel you are boasting and you apologise if youve caused any offence as that was in no way your intention, I bet that they deny anything of the sort!! Take a chance and be honest with them, I never trust someone who claims to be speaking on others behalf out of the blue!

She's jealous, and upset that all the love she's shown her DC hasn't resulted in them being more advanced than yours.

I'd be inclined to apologise to the group. At least that way you'd know where this came from.

I was fortunate that, despite our emerging parenting differences, our NCT group proved to be kind and empathetic. Not everyone is BFFs but that's fine, a couple of us have been really fortunate to make great friendships that have now lasted over 4y!

I was the one with the whiny, difficult, high needs, tricky to feed baby who also did everything first - in some cases literally by months. I was fortunate that (as far as I know) our group had nothing but sympathy for the visible struggles we had. And of course I was supportive of them too! That's what "Mummy friends" are like at their best. We all celebrated and commiserated together and largely still do.

As you've just moved, and particularly to a city, and are breastfeeding, why not look for a local La Leche League or other breastfeeding group? You might find like minded and sympathetic souls there, who understand that ebf is good but tough!

As for your frenemy and her happy baby... If we'd had our DC2 first we'd have been in danger of thinking we were fucking brilliant parents. But we had a high needs, highly sensitive and, ahem, spirited DC1 who continues to exhaust us and all around us. It's got fuck all to do with our parenting and everything to do with their personalities! So ignore the judgy cow and wait for her downfall!!

She's probably jealous her "perfect, happy, baby" wasn't crawling before yours, so making her feel the need to put you down to try and obtain some self glorification?

I had a queen bee type in my nct group and, like you, i didn't realise at first as the others all lived closer and naturally saw each other a bit more. I eventually realised that for some reason the queen bee was getting everyone to do what she wanted and I was being excluded. I deliberately distanced myself a bit (had gone back to work then and didn't need the group as much) but found that a few friendships within the group did continue and develop separately from the group dynamic. We do still meet as a group sometimes too but I think big groups can mean people fall into different "roles" and a queen bee dynamic can mean other people are pushed out... I would agree with other posters not to give up on the group but also look for friends in other places too so you don't feel so dependent on them at a vulnerable time... I also had a very difficult and volatile first child and mum second is happy as Larry. It really os their personalities....

She sounds like a horrible person..my nct group of 9 was my lifeline that first year (I was the one with the slow developing, sick baby ).. our little ones are starting reception at the moment and even though we have all moved away - we still have an annual girls night and a big birthday party for them all each year.. of the 9- only 4/5 of us have stayed close - you'll naturally be closer to some more than others.. I wouldn't bother with the horrible mum and instead focus on the ones you get along with .. cool she most certainly isn't ..

I agree with reposting her comments to the group (her included) and apologising if you made everybody feel like that.
I don't believe for one minute they said what she has said to you and if they did, it will have been because she stirred them up.
Nasty, spiteful woman