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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

284 replies

lelapaletute · 05/09/2017 10:39

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

OP posts:
Abbylee · 06/09/2017 23:52

If her baby is a delight, then it obviously takes after the father; NOT her.Flowers

KC225 · 07/09/2017 02:38

Op. Is there anything to update? Did you hear back from any of the other mums?

Adnerb95 · 07/09/2017 07:12

Sorry have not RTFT but just wanted to send you Flowers!

Understandable to be upset - she has been twattish and doesn't sound like you have done anything to deserve this.

Some good advice to explore other groups locally to get the support you need, especially when sleep-deprived!

Your baby is not difficult because of you. I had 2 - PFB was a PITA from day one - difficult, demanding, poor feeding, poor sleeping. DS2 was the one waking up with a smile on his face, easy and lovely just turned into a monster in his early teens

Hope you get to a place where you feel less isolated and supported by some genuine friends who have your back.

Alicetherabbit · 07/09/2017 07:41

I had two good friends who did nct, both pushed out of their groups, I joined nct when I moved to new area...all I will say is I won't attempt it again, personally think nct attracts a small number of people like described in opening post that ruins for the rest. As other posts try local playgroups, soft play, swimming etc

WanderingTrolley1 · 07/09/2017 07:44

She sounds awful.

Angelreid14 · 07/09/2017 09:12

She is not your friend, you do not have to justify yourself to anybody, the end.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/09/2017 09:27

She is not cool and hip, what she is, nasty and spiteful.

MarthasHarbour · 07/09/2017 09:31

I hope you have read these response OP. She is acting like a queen bee and trying to push you out.

I would also recommend posting on these boards about your DD's sleep patterns and feeding issues etc. You will get so much more supportive advice and guidance. Smile

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/09/2017 09:44

She's a Queen Bee and speaking on behalf of the group.

I would post on the group chat that you've taken on board what Cool Friend has told you and you're really sorry that you upset everyone as that wasn't your intention. Say you'll leave the group as you're so sorry and would've had no idea people were so upset unless Cool Friend has told you.

Leave the group then wait as I can almost guarantee the majority will contact you privately with similar stories of how controlling Cool Friend isWink

You have nothing to lose. Do it!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/09/2017 09:45

Oh yeah,and she's not a Cool Friend ,she's an utter cow!

purplecollar · 07/09/2017 09:46

I agree with Grockle. The others have probably said nothing at all. She's being manipulative and is insecure herself.

randomer · 07/09/2017 09:47

Blimey competition about smiling babies. The world has gone mad. Step away from the technology and talk to humans. She sounds awful.

Mustang27 · 07/09/2017 11:22

Happy babies are not always the product of upbringing, I kind of hope her next baby is the polar opposite.

She is a dick op!!! You have 2 choices either call her out in front of everyone on your nct group and see where it can go from there or walk away from them all. I didn't make a decent mummy friend until my son was nearly 8 months old then I met two crackers at the same group, we were all new and have been pretty inseparable since. It's been such an eye opener as I was often left teary and upset by the other mums in baby groups for a million reasons.

Mustang27 · 07/09/2017 11:23

Oh and we all parent very differently it shouldn't be to much of a stumbling block.

hks · 07/09/2017 11:36

try and not take it too heart obviously she thinks she knows it all .
i had friend i knew since i was young and we had our babies a week apart my DD1 was walking at 11 months and she told me i obviously forced her onto her feet .. she may have been quick to walk but slow in other area's at that time my daughter had no teeth ( 13 months before she got her first one) and hardly any hair ( 2 yrs before any real hair growth)

ChocolateWombat · 07/09/2017 16:58

I agree with Grockle too. She isn't expressing the thoughts of the group, just her own insecurities and whilst it's not nice for you, it is she who is to be pitied for both her insecurity and behaviour.

Do not resort to slagging her off or apollos img to the group. Remain dignified and firm.

Simply reply with a cheery 'thanks for your advice. I've been finding the group is so supportive for sharing our joys and difficulties as our children all develop slightly differently. See you soon'

And if you get any further snidey messages

"I'm not finding your messages helpful or kind at the moment. Please stop being critical and let's all just be a group which gets on happily together and supports each other'

Or

'Are you sharing these messages with everyone? I'm not sure you are speaking for the group, but am happy to share your messages with the others if you like'

She thrives by sending nasty messages to you without the others knowing and playing on your insecurities. If after the first dignified response you get more nastiness, call her on it and tell her to stop or to show the others.

Of course the MN favourite of 'Did you mean to be so rude/unpleasant?' Is always a good one too.

Maireadplastic · 07/09/2017 17:19

'thanks for your advice. I've been finding the group is so supportive for sharing our joys and difficulties as our children all develop slightly differently. See you soon'

Perfect, Chocolate!

CleopatraCatLover · 07/09/2017 17:25

She's a nasty piece of work and jealous to boot. Take it with a pinch of salt.

septembersunshine · 07/09/2017 17:34

Op, you know that she is not a nice person right? nothing she says has any bearing. Very rude of her to message you privately and say all this stuff. I would probably leave that group. Stuff them. I would go to other baby groups/ children's centre/library sing song time to meet new friends and also, long way off, but when your child starts school - well, that's a whole new world of mum's that could potentially be friends and people to chat too. I have met my best mummy friends on the school run after re-locating far from home with no family or friends nearby. I also met a new mum friend while waiting in the doctors for immunisations. We got chatting, saw her at the local baby group a few weeks later. Firm friends now! Shake it off and start again - you sound lovely by the way! I'd be your friend :)

LookingforMaryPoppins · 07/09/2017 18:01

Has OP returned? Desperate to hear she has stood up to this nasty piece of work!

magicmadge · 07/09/2017 21:06

I would definitely reply to the group and let them know what she said. If bet they didn't say these things at all and she'd be caught out. Definitely don't take her under your notice, she doesn't sound worth worrying about x

MilkshakeAddict · 07/09/2017 21:12

I would speak to the whole group as well and see what they have to say. As PP say, you have nothing to lose.

Dianag111 · 07/09/2017 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lelapaletute · 08/09/2017 07:00

Hi all, so kind of so many to reassure me I'm not being U xxx

As people have asked for an update - I'm afraid, as a big wimp, I didn't repost it confront. I have gone a bit quiet on the group, only posting "aww" type messages if someone posts a pic of their baby (because the babies are adorable!) There has been a minor squabble between a couple of members about who is getting the best advice about weaning 🙄 so I think possibly the supportive, jolly vibe is on its way out in any case more widely as baby gets older!

In other news I have mum groups scheduled to go to on Monday and Friday, Tumble Tots Tuesday, Rhyme Time at the library on Wednesday, baby sensory on Thursday, and baby swimming on Sunday - if I don't make at least one friend out of that lot there clearly is something wrong with me! Grin

Thank you all again for your support - I'm going to go with the interpretation that we're both tired, stressed and hormonal and responding to that differently - me by oversharing and overinvesting, she by being a mite bit bitchy. I'm sure I'll be better off making some new friends locally!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/09/2017 09:01

I would forget about them, and delete and block bitch friend, and move forward, which is what you are doing. You sound lovely, I am sure that you will make new friends.