To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

I'd drop this woman but not the group. I doubt she's speaking for anyone but herself.

This would really hurt me too, especially the comments about her happy baby. Sounds to me like she got lucky with a unicorn baby and is a) taking all the credit and b) able to be happy all the time because she isn't being tortured by constant painful noise and sleep deprivation.

She sounds like an utter cow. I get how much this would hurt - I have no close friends or family around and have made friends with a group of other twin mums. Over time I've gotten closer to one or two than the rest and it would really hurt me if this happened.

Also, you're perfectly entitled to be proud of your child's progress, especially when you're struggling in other areas. She sounds like the humble bragger to me! One of my twins had the hardest start, two months in hospital and a serious illness. He's still behind his brother physically but he is turning into a right little boffin where i was worried he'd really struggle, and I am super proud!

Aw your poor twin Tammy, and poor you - must have been hell :( so glad he is now thriving and doing you proud

happy? yeah that is why she is bitchy to everyone else?

well done OP. rise above it all, move on. save your valuable energy. good luck with the new groups.

Thank you lelapaletute - still having to deal with medications and monitoring and all that stuff but he's doing so well. Don't think I can take the credit (they sent him for a head scan recently as his head went from 2nd centile at birth to 98th and 9 months) but apparently he just has a big brain 😂

Thanks for the update OP.
That is a gracious position you have taken and I'm sure it will be better than looking for revenge through sharing with the group or causing a confrontation....which doesn't sound like your style at all.

A few tensions within the group are probably entirely normal. Keeping a low profile and not getting involved in any side is often good. These things may pass and this group continue to be great support and source of friendship into the future....you just never know, but not burning your bridges is a good idea to keep your options open. I'm always surprised on MN how quickly and lightly some people will burn their bridges.

Hope the new activities yield lots of friends and the NCT group survives too. My NCT group still meet years after our babies. We are all very different and each of us is sometimes surprised at others attitudes or responses to things...because they aren't the attitudes and responses of our friends outside the NCT.....but over time, we have a real bond that holds us together for meals three or four times a year and the odd coffee. We have gone through weaning and potty training and choosing nursery, primary schoo, and secondary schools together. We have seen divorce, illness, redundancy and death and supported each other. We have argued about Brexit and benefits changes, about selective education and about working and not working....and we keep going. I hope it might be the same for you, if you want it to be.

As soon as someone starts comparing your child v theirs..leg it..

In defence of the OP's friend, "happy mum = happy baby" has become an extremely popular catchphrase in recent years. It gets trotted out to justify everything under the sun. It's bollocks, obviously - if babies were automatically happy whenever their mothers were, parenting would be the easiest job in the world! - but it's parroted so frequently that it's hardly surprising that some people actually believe it.