To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

She sounds awful! Agree that it's probably worth staying friends with the others if you can. This woman just sounds like an insecure queen bee.
Ohyesiam - great response!
I think I'd have to say something sarcastic back to her or completely ignore her.

Ohyesiam that's naughty but it did make me giggle

She's a muppet!!
Babies are babies, you get what your given, you can behave exactly the same with two babies and they'll do things, and behave differently - essentially it's just 'luck' and nothing else
Ignore her - she's probably jealous about your baby and trying to make you feel bad,

My kids both crawled at 5.5 months but my eldest hardly spoke til she was 3.5 nearly, since then she's never shut up (gorgeous though she is lol)
Other babies I knew didn't even crawl til well beyond 1, one boy I know didn't walk til he was 22 months - HV WAS worried, the mum said he'll start when he's ready - and he did walk perfectly, still does at 15 -

None of them have problems etc it's just babies - so ignore it, she's just a dick

Wow she's got some brass neck accusing you of a 'humble brag' with her stealth boast.

You must post something about it on the group.

OP you really need to call her out on this. HiJennys message is perfect.

I was a people pleaser when DS1 was little and I really regret not calling out our 'super cool' friend.

As your DC grows up you will have to learn to fight her corner as I have had to.

Start now. Hold your head high and don't let her bully you

Don't tar the rest of the group with the same brush until you know they feel the same as her. They probably don't or she wouldn't have sent a private message. Is there another one in the group that you are fairly close to that you can discreetly discuss this with in a "I'm mortified" way.

You have a young baby, and you rightly thought that thè nct group would provide likeminded support.
Keep in touch with the others, treat her cautiously. No one needs got at when they are vulnerable.
Enjoy your baby and your friends and perhaps even rise above it by ignoring things and moving on.
You have a right to be upset but don't do anything rash.

She sounds like a jealous knob!

I haven't read all the responses so I'm sorry if people have already suggest this but have you thought of trying the baby centre website if you aren't already a member. They have birth clubs, so people all with babies the same age (ish) but cos there are so many people on they are the full spectrum of abilities, so you can't be accused of bragging. Generally the ladies on there are lovely and super helpful.

She sounds insensitive & judgey OP. I'd be tempted to ask her if it is anyone specific in the group who you have 'upset' & maybe message them privately.

The bottom line is when involved in an NCT group it's difficult NOT to compare development. It's only natural. However it's twatty to make other members feel bad if their child is slightly ahead in some areas. DS1 was very prem, he was miles behind in all areas & size I found it hard to deal with tbh but never thought the other members were bragging or boasting about their children's milestones. He caught up in the end

Leap she is neither cool or nice, nasty and hypocritical. Cool friends would not put you down, or say those things, they would support you, and help you. They would genuinly be pleased for any achievements of yours.

Yes HiJenny message is perfect.

Oh & for what it's worth DS2 was the happiest, smiliest baby with huge dimples. He's now a stroppy whingey three year old! Maybe when that happens to her & your DC is a happy toddler you can point out that you spend every waking minute showering her with love/praise/affection etc

I would totally ignore her and not respond. Just keep posting as you have been and don't change your behaviour. This way you have the upper hand in the situation. She won't know if what your reaction to her message is and that will be excruciating for her. You can sit back and let her squirm without actually doing anything. She is waiting for you to react....she is behaving like North Korea 😉

"she is behaving like North Korea "

Oh dear, she's one of those people that thinks they've 'made' their baby into something or other (early walker, happy, good sleeper etc) when it's just a normal variable milestone or personality trait. Earlier is not better.

It is very easy to offend in these new mum groups, though. I've been on both sides of it, it's just very easy when everyone is tired and has different sensitivities, you don't know each other that well, and a lot of the communication is by text. However, she's gone beyond just being offended though to plain unpleasant - attacking you, not just personally but on behalf of a group.

Couldn't agree more with the poster who says 'makes me wonder whether it was all OK while you were to be pitied, or made everyone else feel relatively lucky by comparison'

As you've moved anyway, I wouldn't waste any more energy on them. Nct groups often turn into geographical cliques in any case, I've found. Geography is important when you have small children.

Just be nice and normal and don't give her any of your precious time!

A gerbil I've met a young Everest 😮

If she is the only one who has said this please don't assume she is speaking for the group. She could well be the one feeling a bit envious for whatever reason or want to assert a 'position'.

If most of your experience up to now has been positive I'd keep the contact as long as you get something out of it rather than just contributing but either way expand your circles if you can.

A small baby and no family nearby or friends with babies can be quite isolating. If you have access to other groups go along whilst you enjoy them but look for something else if you don't. There will be kindred spirits and plonkers in each group - sometimes they are the same person at different times :)

I'm interested in the comments about the NCT - its a very long time indeed since I went to NCT classes. They were about the price of an evening class then and quite conscious of their middle class label - local midwives could recommend women for subsidised places, including one in my class. The only reason I know is because years later she trained to be a NCT class teacher and told me. They also ran special classes at very low cost for young single mothers (but that could just be my area). I hope they are still able to do this.

DS was the smiley happy baby from our Nct group. The rest were various degrees of velcro. It just meant I had to make the tea all the bloody time because their babies couldn't be put down.

She sounds like a dick, you sound lovely.

Don't let her make you feel shit about this. Even if you did say something tactless, it is not her place to call you out on it. And please, please don't let her make you question your parenting. Three kids here. All totally different. My last one was a misery guts baby but a bright sociable toddler.

My friend had an almost identical experience to you. She was very hurt but ignored it and carried on as if it never happened.

Most people are utter dicks.

Make it easy on yourself and give his lot a miss. Life is too short.

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. I had an early crawler, puller upper and climber. I couldn't take my eyes off him for a second. He was also a late walker and pretty far from neurotypical. He's a teen, now and I still can't take my eyes off him for a second!

I wouldn't allow her to spoil the group for you. She sounds like an idiot.
I went to the NCT classes with a fair bit of scepticism after hearing all about its anti pain relief, pro natural birth at all costs, reputation.

However I was pleasantly surprised by the course and in my particular group and I've (so far) found the group of other new mums I met interesting and hugely supportive.

It sounds like it's been the same for you op and I'm quite sure the vast majority of the people in your group are genuine.

Tell her you're upset by her comments.
Also ask her to name who has an issue with you mentioning your daughter crawling on the basis that you want to make amends for any unintentional offence - I bet that she won't be able to though.

OP your baby sounds a lot like mine and women like your "cool" friend were the reason I stopped taking her to baby groups! It sounds like it's a good time to move on. My final straw was a mum who said, "I think the reason my baby is so happy and chilled out because I'M so happy and chilled out." Erm, no love, it's because you got lucky.

It really isn't a bitchy group,so kind and supportive, esp in the early days. I'm just hurt as I'm really not like that and I'm sorry to think they see me that way.

They don't see you that way. She's a bitch. If the group had a problem with you, this wouldn't manifest itself in a message from a self appointed "leader". You'd just find yourself pushed out, not invited so much etc. It's absolutely coming from her. Agree with HiJenny - her message is great. It's direct and honest but not over emotional. If nothing else, the responses of others will settle it for you either way and allow you to move on without self doubt or questioning your friendships, which is a horrible way to feel.