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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

284 replies

lelapaletute · 05/09/2017 10:39

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 06/09/2017 08:20

I had to work really hard on getting a smile out of DD. She would lie there looking around at everything looking very serious. I tried funny hats, dances everything I could think of but there was no response.

She is now in her late teens and the biggest comedian around and loves to have a laugh.
Ds who is 2 years younger was the happiest baby around without the funny hats. He could find fun in just looking at my face

SpringTown46 · 06/09/2017 14:12

There's a certain sort of personality that thrives on this sort of covert (devious) manipulation of social groups. So, rising above it and maintaining the high road can play into their hands. Think about some of the responses above that have suggested posting to the group and showing what has been said to you. There's a likelihood that you aren't the only one who has merited this sneaky approach, but people thinks it's just them. Shine a light on the dirt and get rid of it.

Dianag111 · 06/09/2017 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wrongintherightway · 06/09/2017 17:40

Time to move on and find new friends, I met some lovely mums at post natal group yet am close to just 1 of them now.

Kids develop at different rates she needs to get over it, god knows what she will be like when they start school.

SeatOfMyPants · 06/09/2017 17:44

I'd be really upset by it too. YANBU. Incredibly patronising. It's funny how parents instantly take the credit when they perceive something is 'right' with their child. And love giving you advice. I had a friend like this - who heavily implied that the reason that I'd had a ventouse delivery that lasted 3 days was because I was a negative person (I loved my labour, it was magic, despite being tough) - whereas her sunny outlook/personality guaranteed her 'easy' home birth. Nothing to do with our relative dimensions (my hips are tiny, hers wide) or the fact that my sons head was on the 99th centile or that he was back to back... nope
Sorry - rant over.

JournalistEmily · 06/09/2017 17:52

Horrible. Get rid.

PolarBearkshire · 06/09/2017 17:53

Gosh. Utter bitch. Not cool and clearly she finds petty things to bitch about.
Apologise on group chat between lines that you didnt intend to brag - this bitch can be exposed with her bs and sheshould know it!
These groups are often a harbour of some "perfect first time mothers" - good if they are helpful - avoid if it breeds some absolutely unnnecessary drama . Above all- dont let her patronise youHmm

Carriecakes80 · 06/09/2017 17:54

I hope this womans daughter turns out like mine was lol, I named my fourth baby Chilled out Charlie, and bragged (yes I am guilty of bragging lol) to all and sundry how she slept through from birth, seriously, had to take her to the Doctors so many times because she was always sleeping, and tbh, it wasn;t as great as it sounds, because I would have to wake her up because it worried me so much! Then, she hit the exact 6 months milestone, her first tooth came through, and she changed completely....cried constantly, had colic, had ear infections, was diagnosed with stomach migraine via a specialist, and then proceeded to get chicken pox, then shingles...omg, I took back every brag I had but no longer cared if I had the sleepiest, happiest, cutest blah blah blah....I just wanted to have the healthiest, and excuse my waffling lol, but you dear lady, have done nothing wrong at all, I reckon she sounds very jealous of you, and probably thinks YOU are the cool one, as you sound very humble and easy going, and she has come across like an utter twadge!
Don't lose the group completely, be upfront, honest, apologise if you like (not that you have to, do it in a jokey way!) and say "Sorry if you thought I was boasting about my bairn, never meant it to come across like that at all!" and my guess is, none of the other mums will have a bloody clue what you're on about! xxx
Hold your head up girly...how smiley and happy a baby is can change in a bloody heartbeat! xx

Offred · 06/09/2017 17:56

Baby groups virtually always end up like this TBH.

Spellcheck · 06/09/2017 17:58

YANBU. She is pissed off beause she thinks your attempting to show off and getting in the way of her own attempts to be Top Mummy. You will come across this a lot in Mummyland, so don't be surprised when this happens in future. Other mothers can be bloody awful. No matter how 'cool' they seem.
Babies will do what they do, and some babies are smiley, others are not. In my experience (5DC), it doesn't really matter - if you are loving and supportive, the child will be how they are, it's their personality. Not an exhibition of the mother' sheer brilliance. She can fuck off.

Spellcheck · 06/09/2017 17:58

You're! Sorry.

Spellcheck · 06/09/2017 17:59

Agree, offred, this is often how mums' groups turn out. So disappointing.

Spellcheck · 06/09/2017 18:02

I've had a glass of wine already, so am ready to rant further if anyone will join me x

Toysintheattic29 · 06/09/2017 18:14

That's really horrible for you lelapaletute. There are always bloody bitchy women out there ready to burst someone's bubble, as I know only too well. I'd be inclined to take the advice of one or two others; name-and-shame and post on the website, saying you are upset and horrified you might have been seen as 'bragging'. If you do this though, you might then need to leave the group. I also agree you should spread your wings a bit and either set up an NCT in your own area or go to local child care groups where you could make some genuine friends. It's such a shame some twat of a woman has to spoil this for you. Alternatively you can simply ignore her, continue to enjoy the group but also seek friends elsewhere too. Good luck!

ssd · 06/09/2017 18:16

op, in a few years time when you've gained more confidence, you'll be able to see this bitch for what she is.

Toysintheattic29 · 06/09/2017 18:16

......I also agree with Spellcheck- tell her to fuck off!

Leapfrog44 · 06/09/2017 18:16

Oh my GOD the conversations sound thrilling. If I were you I'd try to get out a bit more with people who have not just had a babies! I can't believe anyone would whatsapp developmental milestones or sleep patterns.

The whole thing sounds neurotic and weird with catty politics to boot.

roundaboutthetown · 06/09/2017 18:19

OP - I didn't think the antenatal group with my 2nd ds was bitchy either, at first. It took over a year for the real nastiness to come out. You've had fair warning - they often meet up without you and the queen bee who seemed so nice has put you in your place. I wouldn't assume they are all quite so lovely as you thought, particularly this woman who lacks the empathy to understand how upsetting her own deeply unhumble bragging is, in any event.

Craigie · 06/09/2017 18:21

Most people don't keep in touch with their NCT group, they're rarely proper friendships. Find a local baby & toddler group and bin them all.

Annie105 · 06/09/2017 18:27

Everything Hi Jenny said I think is perfect. You may regret it if you walk away from the group entirely saying nothing so at least that sort of measured but confident response shows the bully (or deeply insecure woman most likely) you are decent and if the rest of the group don't agree and aren't scared of her they will reach out direct. If they don't then sod them. Who needs fairweather friends life is too short!

You will be so much happier out of her negative pull xxx good luck

emmab16 · 06/09/2017 18:28

Oh she sounds like a right cow! I do have one good friend from my nct group and also through school still see my nct teacher but the pm she sent you was completely out of order. Why does she think she speaks for the group when she really doesn't.

Huge hugs xx

ChocolateWombat · 06/09/2017 18:30

I can see it was unpleasant. Unpleasant of her to email it and unpleasant for you to hear it.

However, it would be great if you can move on from this and remain in the group. Perhaps she's not so cool and confident as she first appears. Perhaps her behaviour is a sign that she needs pity.

If you can avoid posting this to the whole group, I would avoid it. Putting it out there will cause tension in the whole group and at this stage I don't think there is a need for that. If you continue to get this kind of message then it would be worth putting the message to the whole group, but on the basis of just one I wouldn't.

If I received this, I probably would reply briefly. I'd probably say something like 'thanks for your advice about having a cheery baby - I guess that in the end they are all different in terms of their personality and development too. It's been great to be able to share their development but also our worries with the group and to find people so supportive and I hope we can all continue to do that for a long time'

If possible, don't make a thing about being hurt (she wanted to hurt you - so don't give her the satisfaction) and also if possible, don't dwell on this or let it become a big thing in your own mind. Continue with the group and enjoy being with them. Don't mistake a nasty comment for the view of the whole group (if it was the view of the group it wouldn't have been sent just to you) and move forwards.

You sound a little down on yourself. Just because they might be from more affluent areas doesn't mean you're not an equally valid and valued member of the group. Remind yourself of the good times you have all had together and move forward confidently.

If you get any further nasty comments, possible responses might be;

'I'm not really liking the comments you are making to me. Please can you stop'

Or

'Shall is share what you've sent me with the whole group?'

Or

'I'm not finding your messages very helpful. Would you like to talk through these things when we're all together next as a group?'

Her comments are designed to undermine your confidence and are designed to be read just by you. Show confidence, refuse to have the communication and offer to bring it all into the open.

emmab16 · 06/09/2017 18:30

I was also a real people pleaser with dc1. ....always meeting up with anyone who would have us etc etc. And I look back now and wished we'd chilled out more. I was lucky to find some online friends who have been so supportive for the last 6 years.....and in some ways an online support group is easier than irl

emmab16 · 06/09/2017 18:31

Totally agree with @chocolatewombat

useristired · 06/09/2017 18:36

She's not a cool friend. She's a knobhead