To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

Personally, as a belligerent cow myself, I would screen shot the messages and forward them to your NCT group asking if this was the group consensus - accompanied with "I'm sorry if I've ever come across as a humble bragger".

I hate your "cool friend" on your behalf.

This makes me so glad I'm past the baby years. By time I had dc3 I avoided baby groups like the plague. I hated the constant comparisons and people really believe they were superior mothers and their babies advanced and destined for greatness.

She is ever so lovely, funny, randomly gives people spare baby stuff at the drop of a hat...
I think this suggests slightly controlling/patronising behaviour. Unless she's got a shopping problem, why's she got spare baby stuff when all your baby's are the same age?

babies!

I hate these people who claim to be confident enough to 'say it as they see it'. It's just a cover up for 'bitchy with no manners'.

'Humble bragging'? What the bloody hell is that when it's at home??!! I don't know who thinks all these sayings up She's an ignorant and stupid cow. If you're really not worried about the group as a whole, I would post a comment in the group asking if you've upset people, naming her as the 'spokesperson'. Dependent on where she 'fits' into the group will be how they respond to your comment, so be prepared, they may get funny with you.

If they do, then they are not worthy of your company. But I would definitely show her up for who/what she is.

Op I feel for you.

This woman sounds overly interfering. I couldn't take her seriously after the patronising advice about surrounding the child with love. Its not groundbreaking is it? Silly woman but maybe just accept that she is showing she's human not that "cool".

Don't give upon the group get it you have little support, look at it that you'll have a more realistic view of it in future.

As a 'suddenly new mother' after I adopted a 2 year old, I struggled at first because I only had single 'party friends' plus I found a lot of the play groups cliquey/bitchy.

Someone then told me to go to my local church's play group. I'm not religious at all so I was very hesitant at first but I made true, lasting friends there who have supported me through serious personal problems including a terminal prognosis and sudden temporary poverty.

I would advise trying all the church groups in your area once, then picking your favourite (or favourite two!) and attending everything they have on offer for families - play groups, messy play sessions, kiddy discos, nativity services etc. I also went to their parenting classes and met an amazing woman there who will be a friend for life. (The kind, genuine women I met at these events are the ones that are Christians in the REAL sense of the word!)

Good luck!

Don't give up on the group yet if you have little support..that should read.

I think what she has said to you is unkind and unreasonable . I too had high expectations of NCT group and it didn't really live up to expectations as boy were we all so incredibly different really.
Secondly I think as a first time Mum we can all feel a bit unsure and sometimes vulnerable and I think comments like hers can sting more than normal.
Life is too short to give this person anymore of your time or energy 💐

And this is exactly why I avoided NCt like the plague!

You didnt make a bad judgement. She presented herself as a nice person when in reality she is a nasty piece of work. She does this to others and you are not alone in being taken in. Her type are awful.

Ignore her completely and go to local groups. The sad thing is that her happy baby will grow up with a self obsessed spiteful mother.

The one-upmanship from this not-so-cool woman is glaringly obvious but controlling people cannot help themselves in always putting themselves on top.

Please don't let her push you into a corner. You don't even need to address your apparent "humble brag". She has designed the conversation this way so that you turn in on yourself and whatever you say about it, you will sound defensive.

It's much better to call her up on her rudeness in suggesting that you are an unloving parent because your baby is not as smiley as hers.

Explain to her how these comments upset you and that you wanted to understand exactly what she meant in case there was a misunderstanding. If she truly is the decent person you think she is, she will be mortified and realise how awful her words came across. Then you can put it down to a clumsy moment between two stressed out hormonal new mum's.

But if she tries to further justify what she said, then you can safely know she is no friend of yours.

I think this woman might be jealous that your baby is more advanced. However, she was cruel. Distance yourself from her. Don't be surrounded by people who upset you. Check out play groups, libraries for groups, Music groups and leisure centres.😀I moved to new area shortly after having a baby. It took a few months but met lots of people.

Ignore ignore OP. Sanctimonious shit stirring witch. I'm on a WhatsApp with my NCT and none of us mind if one says theirs is writing or talking or flying to the moon. Plus rolling your eyes inwardly is one thing but being twattish enough to humiliate you via a private message is so out of order.

Just be you and continue to offer and receive the support you all want at this stage.

If I were you I would post this appalling woman's entire text on whatever medium it is you are all on, block everyone in the group, and then watch the fun. Perhaps preface this publication by saying how disappointing you find it that people whom you thought were a supportive self help group seems to contain obnoxious and condescending twats like her.

For myself I had a bellyful of the NCT when my then wife had our first child. From the woman who counted through her contractions by conjugating Latin verbs, to the group leader who told my wife that she "had let the side down" by having morphine during an excruciating labour, they struck me as terminally smug and up themselves. My wife, bless her, was so taken in by the whole thing that she genuinely expected it not to hurt if she got her breathing right, and was completely devastated by the real thing. I have never forgiven them.

Imamiddleclasstwat
And this is exactly why I avoided NCt like the plague!

It's your loss then. Done it twice and made lasting friendships both myself and dp, never experienced or heard of anything like this happening.

That's such a shame and very strange, NCT is supposed to be for sharing the good and bad. Ignore her.

She's unkind and not a friend

Find other groups. You are fine.

Don't dwell on it and don't let it get to you. Its too easy to get down on yourself as a new mum. Some people are arseholes or are acting like one temporarily for some reason. Just branch out with trying some other groups. Do some other things you enjoy, go out to some new places with your baby. That "cool" woman is mean underneath the friendly advice front and that is toxic. Also the showering with love thing she said is utter bullshit so ignore. I have had 3 kids all completely different in temperament. Btw your early crawler / walker could be a kinaesthetic learner so check that out. Maybe a baby gym / dance group would be fun. Good luck to you and activate your bs detector.

I think it's the luck of the draw! My friend's NCT group are lovely! I think one couple are no longer in touch but the others are firm friends and I often meet up with them all too (my friend had her eldest 2 years before I had my first, my first coincided with all their 2nds!).

My own NCT group were an interesting bunch! A couple were ok but we had desperation to be cool and pretence of wealth, priviledged upbringing and pretence of poverty, major insecurities and my personal favourite was the snobbery over what you fed your kids! Omg...... they then all gushed at one another at how lucky we were to have such a wonderful group! 😳 Individually they were all ok (bar one) but together ......

I did keep in touch and met occasionally with them but had another non NCT group who were genuinely lovely and I enjoyed their company so tended to see them far
More.

This girl is not cool, she is jealous and insecure and desperately wants you to think she is cool. Please call her out, share her pm with the others as suggested above. You have nothing to lose

I had an experience of nothing (apart from having a baby!) in common with my NCT group. Got on ok individually with everyone but did not like the group dynamic. Best thing I ever did was to stop meeting up as I used to come away feeling isolated and miserable!
Having said that, her view in that moment is just that & I wouldn't grant too much significance to one what's app message. You're sleep deprived so it seems more upsetting than it is. Could you call her and address it directly? If the group has been supportive until now, stay with it.

Maybe just message them all with a link to this thread 😂

Looking

I did the NCT class many years go with DD1. It helped me through the first few months. Made some friends but as they all drifted back to work and had family to help with childcare I was on my own.
Went to every play group going and felt like I didn't really fit in. With no family and just moved into an new area and all out pre baby friends dropping us . It was a very lonely time.

This woman who said what she did apart from being clueless is a complete bitch. My betting is that the others are not saying anything but will fall in behind the queen bee because they live nearer than you.
You are just the latest. When you are gone then they will have to pick another scapegoat. Woe betide the mother whose child walks at 9 months