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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

284 replies

lelapaletute · 05/09/2017 10:39

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

OP posts:
redexpat · 05/09/2017 11:13

Its about her, I bet the rest of the group dont give a shit. Yes I think she just wants to put you in your place.

WomblingThree · 05/09/2017 11:13

I would ask her who died and made her the boss of you!

I absolutely hate when people take it upon themselves to tell their peers how to behave. You are both adult women and she has absolutely no right to arbitrarily decide that you are wrong about anything. Cow.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/09/2017 11:14

What was her justification for not wanting people to complain about their baby not sleeping?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/09/2017 11:14

She sounds a bit peculiar... Is it really that "advanced" for a 7 month old to be crawling and attempting to pull up anyway?
Bearing in mind some kids walk at 9 months (none of mine did, but I've seen a fair few at playgroups over the years).

MiniCooperLover · 05/09/2017 11:14

She's being a bitch and sneaky with it trying to alienate you from the group with a faux compliment about your child followed by fake concern for the group. If she wasn't she'd have kept the conversation open with all the group. You could Make it clear to her you are upset at her inferring you don't give your child enough love but she'll then do a fake 'I'm so sorry I'm so upset you thought that's what I said' and potentially use it to alienate you even further. You have no way of knowing if she's speaking for the group or just herself so I'd respond and be a bit cool with something like 'ok thank you for your concern' and do not enter into any personal one on one whatsapp conversations wit her.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/09/2017 11:14

That was to Libby

minifingerz · 05/09/2017 11:16

"I always figured the eye watering cost of the classes handily weeds out any undesirables too "

The courses cost no more than the majority of other antenatal courses and less than some. In my area it works out about £8 per person per hour of class time.

All paid for education attracts a m/c clientele.

NC4now · 05/09/2017 11:17

There's a certain irony in following up a complaint about humble bragging with, 'of course the only reason MY baby is so wonderfully jolly is down to my wonderful parenting.'

Not cool, mum.

splendidisolation · 05/09/2017 11:17

Please definitely copy and paste the message to the thread (minus the second part about her happy baby). Keep it anonymous and say "someone from the group sent me this - I feel awful as this group has been such a lifesaver for me. Do you guys really feel this way? I'm mortified 😣".

Watch them fall into line!

Moving on to the happy baby part:

Just reply "Steady on X, you're going to have me feeling terrible my baby isn't as happy as yours! 😉 Only joking, thanks for the tip, much appreciated!"

Should keep the relationship good whilst also subtly asserting that you're not a pushover

LibbyLouLah · 05/09/2017 11:18

TheColonel, because she felt it lowered the group atmosphere and morale and she wanted everyone to be happy and jolly!

Headofthehive55 · 05/09/2017 11:18

Don't worry. I had the most smiliest happy jolly baby you can imagine fir my first.
I thought I was the worlds best parent.
The next three were very grumpy babies.

I was no longer as smug!

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2017 11:21

She's massively U and being a large twat to boot. Ignore anyone who spouts shite about why babies do the things they do. It's all bollocks and everyone's just winging it and praying to god that their baby sleeps tonight.

In defence of NCT it's not their fault that some members end up being arseholes. You find arseholes at every baby group. It's not exclusive to NCT.

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2017 11:23

Also, DS1 was the happiest baby imaginable. An absolute joy. DS2 came a long and was also incredibly bonnie, always giggling and smiling.

They're 11 and 6 now and absolute asshats. Lovely babies grow up and learn to be their own people and go through phases of hating everyone and each other. Mine have spent the last 6 weeks kicking seven bells of shit out of one another some days. Happy babies still end up being 'normal' children who play up at times. That smug "I'm raising a happy child" thing won't last.

Scrumptiousbears · 05/09/2017 11:23

There is nothing more horrible than other "mummy's" sometimes. I agree I'd post her message in the group and leave them to it. They were never really your friends. Being a new mum is hard enough without twats like her.

bungle99 · 05/09/2017 11:23

OP, you are right to feel hurt. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.I have had same thing with one of the members in my NCT group but it's taken years to get to the point where i've decided to steer clear and see only individual members that i really get on with. I'm a bit like you and hoped that everyone would be nice and have each others best interests at heart but unfortunately lifes not like that, and some people put others down because they are insecure themselves. As for your baby, i had a grumpy, stressy baby who would not sleep. They have grown up to be lovely and chilled out. My other child, who was an easy baby, is now an argumentative child. They have swapped. So she is talking b*llshit. She will find that she can't control her childs behaviour. They are all still very young.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 05/09/2017 11:23

She sounds like a dick op. My NCT group were nice but some of my NHS antenatal group were bitches. I knew it was time to call it a day after 18 months when i went home and cried after a meet up. I guess you need to decide whether it's just this woman or whether they are all having a good bitch about you. If so, cut them off.
Could you whatsapp them and say "I'm sorry to hear from Cooldick that I've been causing offence in what I've been posting. It's probably best if i remove myself from the group. If you want to keep in contact here's my number. Then you'll find out who's worth bothering with and who's not. I'd block cooldick anyway though

Bostonkremekrazy · 05/09/2017 11:26

I agree with 'splendidisolation'.....do that....I bet none of them know whats she's done....and they'll all guess its her....

do that - she's a knob Flowers

Toblernone · 05/09/2017 11:26

Agree with pp's, she's not a happy 'cool' mum, she's nasty and probably keeps her happy exterior by cheering herself up bragging. Fwiw my DD was the happiest baby I'd seen, smile at everyone, go to anyone etc etc. It was NOTHING I consciously did, I assure you, I was going through one of the worst times of my life because of a few events, felt like I spent half the day crying and the other half staring at the wall so take no notice, everyone of course parents as well as they can but babies will always be a roll of the dice!

LatinForTelly · 05/09/2017 11:26

As other posters have said, what the actual fuck was she thinking? What a thing to say to a mother of an unsettled baby! Shock

Just keep politely distant from her and keep seeing the group, if you can bear it. It would be a shame to lose the support of the group as a whole because of one woman. I'm sure they don't think you are 'humble-bragging'; she means that she thinks you are. But she sounds like someone whose opinion is to be disregarded.

(One of my babies was very unhappy, OP. It's gruelling. It's nothing to do with how much love they are shown, Hmm but you know that. Go easy on yourself. Flowers

Neutrogena · 05/09/2017 11:28

OP writes:
I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers

There is the problem - virtual strangers.
You don't reallly know these people so stop getting all wound up by them.

AntiHop · 05/09/2017 11:28

Op that sounds really tough. Making mum friends is like being back at school again sometimes.

Perhaps some of what you said seemed like a humble brag. Or perhaps that woman misinterpreted it due to her own feelings. However I completely understand why you're hurt by what she said.

Have you been to baby groups to meet other people? It is tough putting yourself out there so to speak, but hopefully you'll meet some other people who click with. All you need is a couple of people to make you feel sane!

SquedgieBeckenheim · 05/09/2017 11:29

DD1 was always a whiney baby (now is a whiney 3 year old)
DD2 is a chilled out smiley baby.
If anything, DD1 got more attention as she was my only baby. Both are showered with love, breastfed etc. That "cool" woman is anything but, I'd not bother with her any more.

As for sleep, do whatever it takes to get the most sleep you can. If co-sleeping works for both of you then carry on. If it doesn't, try something else. Trust your instincts.

LatinForTelly · 05/09/2017 11:29

Ooh, ow missing end bracket. >> )

NoFucksImAQueen · 05/09/2017 11:30

What a total bitch. I'd do as above and screenshot her message adding a caption that you are so sorry you upset anyone, that you didn't mean to brag and you are gutted to think youve upset anyone. Really lay it on thick.
I'd bet my ass she doesn't speak for them all.

Dahlietta · 05/09/2017 11:33

Urgh, what a cow. Message her back, "Did you mean to be so rude?"