MIL - somehow we've upset her.

[JakeBallardswife]

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

Very unreasonable that mil could wait 20 mins and just left children. Certainly would not encourage childminding again. Though, mil may have mental health problems given her history, would just say you don't want to put her any pressure again. Just visit or ask if she wants to stay for an overnight but you still there. Will at least keep contact for dc.

So many making excuses for her
As OP says there is a long history of her being difficult it makes dementia less likely
It really makes no difference if it was harder or not than she expected
She made a commitment and she should have honoured that. OP may have got home 20 mins later but they may have broken down/got stuck in traffic
Her behaviour was appalling. I understand your reasons for the flowers but I still think you are barking. Enabling her to show off how wonderful she is to her friends
I would have nothing more to do with her

I must say that I would rather pull out an eye and feed it to a bulldog than drive four hours (or more) on a weekend.(ancient emotiocon.)

Maybe traffic spooked her on the Friday,tried again on the Saturday and decided to FO(as you all say) early on the Sunday.

'Edgy ' teens should be OK for 20 mins what with all the pre-programmed emergency no.s they have on their screens! Not as if they had to search for a phone box!

I was making any excuses it was just a thought.... when my daughter told my mil that she was expecting twins ( after 4 years if fertility treatment) she said " are you keeping them" Very odd at the time but was the onset of Vascular dementia. On the other hand she could be an oddie who is displaying passive aggressive behaviour- difficult to call without knowing the woman.

OP, honestly, I don't think you need any advice from us as it sounds like you're already handling the situation really well. Detachment and kindness are definitely the way to go imho.

I agree with Hissys points

My guess is that she saw a chance to goad you into something and took it. The not turning up on Friday should have illicited some kind of dismay/surprise, but when you waved it off she had to rethink and came up with the leaving the kids on their own tack.

You have outplayed her. She sounds toxic rather than senile to me, given that her past behaviour has been similar.

She will have loved showing off the flowers to her friend and boasting about what a good job she did looking after her GC and how you all cannot cope without her

Just keep your distance and let DH deal with her as much or as little as he wishes. This won't be the last of it as you well know......

People who are not used to children can find them overwhelming, even if they love them. My Mum lived alone and had a very quiet existence. If we visited with the 2 children, or if she visited us she found the busy lifestyle and the children's noise (they weren't particularly noisy) too much for her.

Sending her flowers is a great way to reinforce her vile behaviour. She won't learn anything from that, except to think her behaviour is acceptable, when it most certainly is not.

Bloody hell, you're nicer than me.

I'd have been really angry about the late arrival and missing the wedding ceremony. Maybe that's what she wanted, to provoke a reaction, so probably best not to have given her one, but I would have been so annoyed. And the leaving early, before you'd even got back? She'd have had no flowers from me. I don't thank people for being rude and not keeping to arrangements.

Sounds like the sort of thing my mum would do, though luckily her 5 GC (only 1 is mine) are all under 3, so she wouldn't get away with it! She was diagnosed bipolar in 2006. Been a pretty strange relationship since. She'll be 66 next month & slowly improving due to switching meds as feeling now is stemmed from a menopause issue. I worry all the time that we'll meet wiv same issues all over again once meds wear off. When a teen she once once threw books at me & early 20s banged my head against the wall. She's the normal one. My Dad is critical of everyone & thing except my sisters & football. They read the Daily Mail. I spent the worst week of my life staying with them with my DS at 1 yr 3 months during Brexit week July last year.
My ILs complete opposite - normal & lovely. My DS has stayed for 1-3 nights alone with my ILs regularly to help us out in last nearly 2.5 years of his life. Needless to say he has never stayed at my parents alone.

OP clearly most of us empathise. If your MIL had felt tired or unprepared she should have let you know before arriving not even on the Friday but late on the Saturday so you didn't get to the ceremony. When did she let you know? when it was too late for you to organise alternative cover?

75 years old with a two hour drive is quite a big ask if someone is frail - some of us have parents who would be stonking it but clearly others don't - and you had the grace to ask her to come and spend time before and after.

Then she leaves early and it's your DCs who tell you, not her. Clearly she is either losing it or is manipulative and certainly can't communicate.

I think you've played it brilliantly and gracefully and have already agreed with DH it won't happen again. DH is never going to be her golden boy so presumably has let it go.

My exMIL is like this - has been dropping hints about childcare since they were babies. She's disabled and could no way physically manage a toddler, let alone 2 (we had two preschoolers at one point in professional childcare while exP and I both worked FT - she took the professional childcare as an insult).

When my dcs were at school and less physically demanding and needing shorter periods of childcare, we responded to the pressure and brought her in to "help". It's terrible.

She doesn't understand that we don't pick and choose when we work and so it isn't really possible for her to pick and choose how long she feels like looking after the children for.

ExP and I are separated now. I've asked for her help in an emergency and it was not worth it. Never again.