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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL - somehow we've upset her.

187 replies

JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 16:27

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 05/09/2017 18:02

My mum has always been like this. Her trademark has always been to create drama when she is needed in some way.

She would say it because she wasn't treated gratefully enough/with enough respect; really she just can't seem to help but be the problem child with a huge need to show her control of whatever situation she is in. I have a cordial enough relationship with her (helped by her moving away) but she still falls out with me and my brother on a rota system. I never ask her for help and keep phonecalls regular but light.

applesandpears33 · 05/09/2017 18:02

Have you noticed any other odd behaviour? A relative started to be a bit grumpy and acting a little more strangely than usual, and it is only with hindsight that we realised it was the start of the dementia that was diagnosed a few years later. At the start our relative was always worse away from home, and better when she was in familiar surroundings.

cherish123 · 05/09/2017 18:10

She left children before you got back??? This is strange unhinged behaviour. I would not leave them with her again. It is a bit odd she was late on the Saturday.

user1496121365 · 05/09/2017 18:13

Ask her if she wasn't very well that weekend - sounds as though she's not feeling too good.

UANBU to be upset about the children being left on their own - what if you'd had a car crash round the corner?

Hope you sort her out. Flowers was a great idea.

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 05/09/2017 18:16

Flowers arrived, she was delighted with them apparently. Sent me photos of her and her friend admiring them.

OP posts:
ArchibaldsDaddy · 05/09/2017 18:20

Hmm....I can absolutely relate!

treacletoffee23 · 05/09/2017 18:23

I hope l am wrong but it could be the onset of Dementia.

Catrina1234 · 05/09/2017 18:25

I agree that your MIL might well be suffering early symptoms of dementia although you do say you've had to cope with her for many years. If this behaviour is unusual, arriving late and wanting to go home before you were home. Maybe best she doesn't watch the kids again and let her come and go as she pleases. Also keep an eye on her health.

Atenco · 05/09/2017 18:29

Oh well done, OP, I think your response to her contact is perfect. She reminds me of my gran who lived with us for a few years. When she left we all breathed a sigh of relief.

BalloonSlayer · 05/09/2017 18:32

You say you said you were coming home at lunchtime, and then that you arrived at 2pm, so not late.

Is there a chance that she expected you back at 12? So to her 2pm was very late.

I wouldn't call 2pm lunchtime.

I think it sounds like she had had enough of your DC, sorry, and was thinking "thank goodness they'll be back at 12" and then to her you were 2 hours late.

JWrecks · 05/09/2017 18:32

I would be bloody FURIOUS if my MIL pulled that shit with me. Half a bloody DAY late, made me miss part of the entire reason she was coming to sit in the first place, and then fucked off before I even got back, leaving my kids on their own??

The last thing I'd do is send flowers, especially as she's asked to spend more time with them, and this has been planned for MONTHS!! I don't care if the kids were 18 and 21, we had a bloody agreement and she had months to back out and change plane! I'd be steaming. It's unacceptable.

Lymmmummy · 05/09/2017 18:35

Necklaceofraindrops

Oh god! I think secretly what happened to you was the ideal arrangement my mil was hoping for her insisting on helping but only if it involves us us doing all the work!!! Good on you for not agreeing to a repeat performance! You do become very wise to these things hey hi WineCake

chocatoo · 05/09/2017 18:38

I would be upset about missing the ceremony as really thats the most important part! I think you were v generous to send flowers.

MissSeventies · 05/09/2017 18:38

OP I dare say you are the better person than me. If she had pulled that stunt on me she would not bet getting flowers. I dare say there is truth in previous comments about rewarding bad behaviour. She deliberately made you miss the wedding ceremony which she had agreed to babysit for then swaned out the door leaving the children alone! That would be the last straw for me.

It seems there are two schools of thought on MN, that any childcare at all by GPs requires you to put up with all manner of shitty behaviour because they are doing you such a massive favour or that MILs can do no right. I dare say the truth is somewhere in the middle.

She reminds me somewhat of my FIL who for many years created massive drama and then when called on it played the victim. When my DD was young my DH was working near 3 weeks straight and didn't have then time to call or visit FIL. He turned up at my parent's house one afternoon, first weekend off, we were visiting (he lives further away) threw stuff at me at the door and had a massivr argument with DH in my parent's living room. Lord knows but we tool the high road and still visited again after that. The last straw was when we took DD to a show rather than have a 2nd birthday party. Bombarded me with texts and phone calls insisted there was a party he was not being invited to, snubbed my grandmother's funeral and never so much as offered condolences and then threatened DH with legal action for access to the children. DH went NC after that, but thinks he got there from rewarding or ignorning shitty behaviour in the past.

Best of luck OP.

Lovingit81 · 05/09/2017 18:54

I would never have sent her flowers. She acted appallingly. Being the bigger person doesn't mean being a door mat. Sorry but she sounds awful!!

Kr1stina · 05/09/2017 19:03

I agree she's passive agressive and manipulative.

She didn't want to be involved at all, she just wanted to be invited to care for the kids and 'given her place ' as GM of the year. Not actually to do anything.

She arrived late on purpose because she wanted to start a fight, then to flounce off home because you are such an ungrateful witch. So she was very annoyed that you didn't complain about this and her whole scene was spoiled.

Then she tried it again by leaving early to wind you up, but you didn't rise to the bait. She must be absolutely furious, all her plans were ruined.

I m sure you know never to ask her again and stop trying with her, that's DH job.

KnowsStuff · 05/09/2017 20:36

She acted like a mentally ill person.
Agreeing to babysit 6 months in advance then letting you down at the last minute so you missed the ceremony no less, then leaving children alone. Crazy person!

Abbylee · 05/09/2017 20:44

Often we older folks have things that are bothering us that have nothing to do with our children. It could be that she had a personal problem? Early denmentia?
Worse, did dc accidentally repeat something private that was said about HER? I.e., your mother is a cow! But love her anyway.Confused

Abbylee · 05/09/2017 20:46

Denmentia...very similar to dementia...

DILF1981 · 05/09/2017 21:02

Maybe she has dementia and is totally doolally. Or she realised what awful precocious children you have. But instead of drivelling on about pretentious nonsense, why don't you just ask her?

Beadieeye · 05/09/2017 21:07

I'd be very upset and disappointed on behalf of the kids, who have picked up on the fact that their grandmother was literally dragging her feet at being in their company and couldn't wait to be out of it.
She's either been intent on mucking up your plans all along to exert control, or is unwell. Obviously the latter is much more worrying so maybe look into that (as others have suggested, dementia).

pollymere · 05/09/2017 22:01

My MIL offered to babysit when my dd was about three whilst we went out for a movie and a meal. After the movie we realised we had missed voicemails so we rang home frantic to find out she wanted to know if we were planning to be back soon. We hadn't had the dinner at that point but grabbed something to eat and rushed back. She just hadn't coped with it and our dd had also soiled herself. I think she'd had this rosy image in her head when she'd offered. Yours maybe feeling unwell, or had had this rosy image of your DC and herself which didn't come to fruition. Let it go and just say thanks.

marhav999 · 05/09/2017 23:32

Weddings and relatives. An equal pain.

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 05/09/2017 23:46

so not on she should absolutely not have left those children alone...

morningconstitutional2017 · 06/09/2017 08:07

Is she widowed? Those of us who sadly are can become set in our ways and find the reality of looking after children more difficult than the fantasy. Perhaps she 'bigged up' the idea but found it turned not as she'd hoped.

Does she perhaps have the beginnings of dementia? My MIL has always been a difficult and moody character and now we can see that this condition was developing over quite a number of years before she was diagnosed. Coping with her moods was like walking on broken glass - and still is, though thankfully she's in a home now.