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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL - somehow we've upset her.

187 replies

JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 16:27

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 04/09/2017 17:20

I have a 14 year old and almost 13 year old and they're the easiest kids to babysit, don't require any thing, amuse themselves, take care of themselves. Can even put together their own meals if needed.

The MIL sounds horrible. I wouldn't ask her to babysit ever again no matter how much she hints or even asks outright. I'd tell her you really don't want to put her out after what happened this time. I wouldn't let her ever forget it.

And leave your DH to deal with his mother. You're much nicer than me she would not have received flowers from me.

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 17:21

She so bad very unreliable. If anyone had cause to be upset here it is you. Next time just ask your own parents.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:22

She acted like a cunt to the children? Because she left 20mins early.

Yep still dramatic.

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2017 17:22

What @DopeOnARope said. It wasn't the kids - she was flaking before she even got there. Decline any future 'help'. Please say you didn't send flowers...

bluegrape · 04/09/2017 17:23

A 10 and 13 year old should be able to look after themselves for 20 minutes, so the fact that she left them alone for a short time isn't the end of the world.
She told you that she was feeling ill/tired before you left . Perhaps she just needed to go home and have a lie down.

MsGameandWatching · 04/09/2017 17:24

My parents would always ask to have my kids when they were little then huff and puff and be in a bad mood when we arrived to collect the kids. It's weird behaviour.

OMG, my parents are like this too. What is this behaviour? Confused

Hissy · 04/09/2017 17:24

My guess is that she saw a chance to goad you into something and took it.

The not turning up on Friday should have illicited some kind of dismay/surprise, but when you waved it off she had to rethink and came up with the leaving the kids on their own tack.

you've excelled yourself

Now at least you know it's not jus you she treats like crap... your kids are fair game too.

Practice your tinkly laugh for when and if any further childcare comments are mentioned. "After last time mil?"

Hissy · 04/09/2017 17:25

Oh yeah.. and definitely no flowers. Not now, not ever!

That's done now.

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 17:26

She definitely won't be asked again.

OP posts:
MajorClanger123 · 04/09/2017 17:28

Gosh she sounds exactly like my MIL, although I used to get on with her hugely well until they moved abroad and now when we see them my MIL has increasingly severe mood swings for the duration of our stays and its often very uncomfortable and awkward to be around.

My MIL is also 75 and I've noticed her mood swings progressively get worse as she ages.

I don't have any advice other than you should probably leave your DH to deal with it - I once confronted my MIL over one of her mood swings (and nastiness about my parenting) when we were staying & she literally didn't speak to me again for months. It was pretty awful.

Her leaving your 2 DC alone was poor - I suspect your DH not only feels cross, but worried too about his mum?

I know its going against the grain, but perhaps go easy on her - my nan started acting like this years back & with hindsight my mum realises it was very early stages of dementia. NOT suggesting this is happening to your MIL, but I do think as parents age, they get more belligerent, unreasonable etc and confrontation doesnt seem to work. I honestly don't think my MIL realises or remembers when she's being awful, its like a switch is flicked on and off and she has no (apparent) recollection of it the following week.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:30

Got to say if this were me I'd be quizzing the kids on how they'd behaved. Sounds like she'd had enough to me!

Katedotness1963 · 04/09/2017 17:30

My mil likes to make sure everyone knows what she says goes. The last time they were in the same country as us they offered to babysit. We took the kids to the zoo, came back to ours and I said I was off to get ready to go out for dinner. Went upstairs got cleaned up, changed my clothes, glanced out the window to see the in laws walking away from the house! While I was upstairs she'd changed their mind. Husband and I stayed home and the next day the in laws asked if we'd ever been to the restaurant they'd gone to the night before...

There's a reason there's been an ocean between us for most of the last 33 years!

Hissy · 04/09/2017 17:31

My mum's mil was a complete bitch her entire life.

Then she got dementia and "forgot" to be horrid.

It was a blessing tbh, but she didn't deserve to be remembered fondly for the sake of a year or so.

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 17:36

I did send flowers, otherwise she'd be calling us ungrateful to BIL/SIL. It's much easier to be the bigger person here due to her past behaviour this is the easiest route. She then has nothing to moan at us about. BIL is his mothers 'rock'. No decision is made alone or without consultation. DH is left out in the cold so he reacts accordingly and now sorts out contact with MIL and BIL.

OP posts:
SheSaidHeSaid · 04/09/2017 17:36

If she's anything like my MIL, she sees things as a competition. When I had a dog and couldn't get home from work at lunch time to let him out and to go for a walk my MIL and mum used to take him out. If my mum appeared to do this more than my MIL she got jealous. I didn't know she did until her sister (DH's aunt), who I'm friendly with, told me after my dog had passed. Im not comparing your kids to my dog (as lovely as he was!), just drawing similarities in behaviour.

I'd actually be very annoyed at her turning up late to the point where I miss the ceremony and especially pissed off at her leaving the kids early. Semi defests the point of her coming.

Her last passing comment makes me think that in her head she was going to be spending a little time with you, not just keeping an eye on the kids, and yet she's decided to forget that actually it was her changing plans which led to her not seeing you, not the other way round.

Don't ever get her to keep an eye on the kids. Not worth the hassle.

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2017 17:37

So let her slag you off. She's hideous. She needs a big dose of reality, but I don't see any sign of her getting it.

MajorClanger123 · 04/09/2017 17:40

I think you're spot on being the bigger person here. Its not easy to confront a 75 year old stuck in her ways grandmother. Suffice to say you won't be asking her for help in the future (her loss) and by keeping yourself outwardly calm and civil, there is no family drama.

Pengggwn · 04/09/2017 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 17:41

@majorclanger also she misses out on our company and being included in plans. Not my issue anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 17:43

I did ask the DC about their behaviour and both said it was good. Both of mine are at the age where they love grassing the other one up, so I do believe them.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 04/09/2017 17:44

She behaved very badly, right from the point of making you miss part of the wedding because she was 'tired'. Hmm

Still, you know not to bother any more, right?

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:44

OP your first post reads as you not possibly knowing why your MIL sodded off early but the more you write it's blatantly obvious there's a lot of ill feeling floating around.

I'm surprised you asked her to babysit tbh.

BadTasteFlump · 04/09/2017 17:55

My M used to do the same - offer to come and be with the DC if we were going out, then would either flounce off before we got home, or just be in a huge strop when we got back. She would also try to make the DC feel guilty about not wanting to 'do anything' with her (ie sit next to her on the sofa whilst she watches Eastenders..).

I stopped accepting her offers to come round and now she just doesn't Smile

Gooseberrytart4 · 04/09/2017 17:56

Don't ask her again!

You probably could have left the children alone for a couple of hours so not to miss the ceremony. I'd expect a 13 year old to be mature enough to take care of the 10 year old as long as they had phone numbers

troodiedoo · 04/09/2017 17:56

Manipulative behaviour on her part. I'd minimise contact. I'd have sent the flowers to the couple whose ceremony you missed.

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