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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL - somehow we've upset her.

187 replies

JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 16:27

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 04/09/2017 16:46

It's not acceptable to a) arrive late when you've agreed to babysit for something immovable like a wedding and then b) strop off leaving the children alone

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 16:46

Smother her full stop.
I would stay out of it and leave it to dh. .
And don't invite her to have her dc again. .

RatherBeRiding · 04/09/2017 16:47

I wouldn't have sent her flowers, and I'd be very annoyed that you had to miss the wedding ceremony because she changed her plans after you'd arranged this with her 6 MONTHS AGO! Also very annoyed that she cleared off without even waiting for your return.

I might guess that she offered the childcare because your parents usually do it and she was feeling left out, then when it actually came down to it she wasn't as keen on the idea as she thought she was, and found it all a bit much.

I wouldn't ask her to do it again.

KurriKurri · 04/09/2017 16:47

I don;t think you are being unreasonable - she totally messed you about and you remained calm and polite. I would say if this is vrye out of character for her that something is wrong that she is keeping from you - not necessarily somthing you have done, but something going on in her life. The only comment that makes me think she's taken offence would be 'what's the point' - but again it could mean she's feeling depressed or worried about something.

Can you do a bit of gentle probing, (or not so gently ask outright if youve done anything to upset her as she seemed upset at the weekend)

I hope your kids aren;t really young - l would find her leaving them alone very hard to forgive if they are, if they are teens - not so bad.

Have your children mentioned her behaving strangely with them while she was there ? Could she have found something at your house that she's upset about (forms for emigration to Australia ?) or did the kids say something tactless ?

DopeOnARope · 04/09/2017 16:48

I'd say she has some other issue going on.

Illness or something laying very heavy on her mind, or a secret lover back home?

Is she normally difficult?

The 'no point' and leaving before your return is indeed most odd.

In your DH's shoes I would be calling her and talking to her about it and asking if everything is OK.

Awful that she made you miss the ceremony.

KurriKurri · 04/09/2017 16:48

Sorry x posted with you saying she has form for being arsey high maintenance.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/09/2017 16:48

You'd have every right to be upset, OP, at her making you miss a bit of the wedding, despite having six months' notice, and then buggering off early.

I think you are admirably zen, and have taken the high ground with the flowers. But you know never to ask her again, as she's bloody unreliable.

AnnetteCurtains · 04/09/2017 16:50

No excuses for her leaving early but could your children have gone on about what they do / get up to with their other gran ?

turnaroundbrighteyes · 04/09/2017 16:50

Wonder if she changed her mind and hoped that when she said she'd arrive late you'd find someone else

CallMeDollFace · 04/09/2017 16:51

I'm struggling to see your motivation for smothering her with kindness? Do you like her?

DonutCone · 04/09/2017 16:51

You missed the ceremony of the wedding you were invited to? Shock that's pretty bad!

I would have no time for her mood right now if it meant I had missed a wedding and my children were left alone.

EternalOptimistToo · 04/09/2017 16:51

Well it can't be the dcs that have upsetted her as she as already changed the plans before arriving to your house...

I suspect she was tired, maybe had sort of forgotten about it and had basically other plans.
OR she somehow thought you would be away only for the evening and that you would spend much more time with her than you did.

DeadGood · 04/09/2017 16:51

I wouldn't be tiptoeing round trying to figure out her opaque intentions.

I'd call her and say plainly: "MIL, is something going on? You said you wanted to look after the kids, so that is what we arranged. You left early and seemed angry. Why?"

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 16:51

How old is MIL OP? Could she be ill? Sounds like something is going on with her too just leave like that.

Are the dc too much for her do you think? Could they have drove her daft with loud music, answering back and arguing with each other?!

Pengggwn · 04/09/2017 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RatRolyPoly · 04/09/2017 16:52

Your MIL sounds like my MIL, OP. Not actively bad, just strange and vaguely disappointing. More like an extra child in how you "manage" them than the grandparent you were expecting them to be to your own.

You seem to be dealing with it in much the same way that I am. Not sure if any of the other options would work any better!

Pengggwn · 04/09/2017 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhubardGin · 04/09/2017 16:52

We all deal with things differently but I would have been fucking livid with her entire behaviour.

Sending her flowers wouldn't even cross my mind.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 16:52

. Mine are a little edgier but totally adore her, if she's playing ball. It seems from their comments she was a tired and irritable.

Hmm. What do you mean by edgier?

Witsender · 04/09/2017 16:53

I would not be sending flowers and tiptoeing around tbh.

I took edgier to mean that they were older and therefore less compliant than a 3 yr old.

RandomMess · 04/09/2017 16:54

I wonder if the wanting to look after the DC was all talk and it had never occurred to her you would actually ask!

DeadGood · 04/09/2017 16:54

By the way I can only assume you are being intentionally laissez-faire about missing the ceremony, for the benefit of mumsnet. Nobody would be so "not a huge issue" in real life. Hope it was a large wedding, otherwise you'd have some sizeable apologies to make to the bride and groom.

Giraffey1 · 04/09/2017 16:55

It's a bit strange, agreeing to babysit and then arriving late and leaving early. I't s a bit off. I'd have been a lot less polite than you about missing a wedding ceremony, isn't that part of the point of going away and arranging childcare?

I wouldn't ask her again.

MagdalenLaundry · 04/09/2017 16:55

I think she only wanted to pretend to want to be more involved
Pissed off when she actually had to do something. She let you down badly OP
Quit pussy footing around her, ask for nothing and leave her to your dh

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 16:56

Bet any money the dc were too much for her. She knew what time you were back roughly but couldn't handle them so decided to leave. I don't think she should have left them alone though.