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Original poster

MIL - somehow we've upset her.

187 replies

JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 16:27

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 04/09/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/09/2017 16:57

I don't think it matters how 'edgy' the children are, she agreed to look after them, 6 months ago.

How old is she? If she's eighty it might have been a bit much for her (although her arriving late in the first place shows it's more of a control thing), if she's sixty two, a little less explicable.

I wouldn't ring her and beg for explanations, I think this is a control issue, and she wants you to be all over her, suspecting she's ill, falling over yourselves to find out 'what's wrong'. I suspect nothing is wrong but she wants you to think there is and desperately try to 'make up' for it. There is simply no excuse for making you miss a wedding ceremony and then leave the kids alone (despite their ages, she had agreed to stay with them).

FuzzyCustard · 04/09/2017 16:57

She shouldn't have arrive late.
She shouldn't have left early.

But maybe she'd had enough of your "edgy" children and was genuinely exhausted. The reality of childcare is often rather different from the imagined.

RiversrunWoodville · 04/09/2017 16:58

Does sound odd behaviour. Maybe she wasn't well but even so

thecatsthecats · 04/09/2017 16:58

Re: the 'What#'s the point?', I've had a thought.

Maybe you were (extremely understandably) in a rush on the way out by the time she arrived, so she didn't think that you were interested in seeing her/felt brushed off?

Ridiculous, I know, but my less-than-timely relatives sometimes had an attitude like this when they turned up late and I didn't magic up more time to spend with them!

eddielizzard · 04/09/2017 17:00

wow what a let down. i'd be upset you missed the ceremony. this sort of thing is why i don't ask my mil anymore. all the sighs and 'I'm so tired...' - when she insisted in the first place. too much hassle. better to pay someone, if you can. means no night aways of course...

Piffle11 · 04/09/2017 17:04

I think your DH should just ask her what is going on, as clearly she has a problem and her behaviour was unacceptable. I would be furious if I missed a wedding ceremony, and as for leaving your children alone ... even at their ages, what if you were delayed? I think you need to nip it in the bud and never let her look after your DC again!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/09/2017 17:05

But is she okay, I mean she was bang out of order leaving, but it isn't normal behaviour is it ?
How old is MIL ?
Moody is one thing, but you wouldn't have left her with your children if you couldn't trust her, so maybe there's a problem, that needs confronting.

Piffle11 · 04/09/2017 17:06

Can i just add that to my mind she was is a huff before she arrived, so I don't think you rushing or the kids being difficult was the main issue.

Notevilstepmother · 04/09/2017 17:08

What an odd thing to do. I'd leave her to it if I were you, and get your parents to do any future events.

I think you are being very reasonable.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 04/09/2017 17:08

I think she only wanted to pretend to want to be more involved

This. My MIL wants to come across and be seen as the involved MIL who helps her DS and DIL. It's like she has a little picture in her mind about the way our life should be. She is most put out when reality doesn't match that - for example, it's cold and windy so the children would rather play inside than go to the picnic in the park she had planned. Instead of compromising (picnic in the living room!) she sulks.

jay55 · 04/09/2017 17:10

Whilst I accept 10 and 13 year olds can be handfuls and then some. In general they won't take much looking after for a weekend. It could be she left early as they were too engrossed in screens etc but she was late in the first place.
Has she a new gentleman friend ;)

Anatidae · 04/09/2017 17:11

She made you miss the actual wedding then left your children alone?

Speechless

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:11

How old is MIL?
Would your 13 and 10 year old have been well behaved for her?
Have you actually asked her if she's ok - what with her coming a day late so she could "rest"?
Has DH rang and spoken to his mum to find out if he everything was ok whilst you were away?

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/09/2017 17:11

My money is on her hoping that your DC would be really keen to see her and not challenge her grown-up opinions in any way. That way her early reticence becomes reality setting in/nervousness, and her early departure becomes a huff at being shown to be right.

If her main GC contact is a 3yo, then I imagine tween/teens would be a bit more emotionally challenging. Is she a particularly sensitive soul, in terms of hurt feelings?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 04/09/2017 17:12

She was that rude and left your kids alone and you sent her flowers????? Christ on a bike talk about rewarding shitty behaviour, no wonder she is moody is she gets flowers for being a bitch

(And yes I know it was 20 minutes and they aren't babies so I don't mean it safety wise, I mean it just being a general cunt to your grandchildren wise)

Gannicusthemannicus · 04/09/2017 17:13

If she is anything like my grandmothers, it might be that she is used to looking after the 3 year old, and was expecting your DCs to want to 'play' more, rather than spend time watching telly, playing computer games, reading etc. She might have been expecting your kids to specifically spend time entertaining her.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:13

Are you always that dramatic cabbage?

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 17:14

Edgier- I meant fairly typical for their ages, opinionated but easygoing if things are fun. They'd written a list of things they'd like to do, so had thought about things she may like too.

Missing the wedding ceremony was a big issue but not the point of the post. I also really just wanted to go to the meal & reception and just have a night away with friends.

Over the years MIL has been a tyrant, bully and blows hot and cold with both me and DH but has always been good to the DC. I've been super stressed and ill over it so many times. So a couple of years ago I backed off, sent flowers and cards as thank yous. DH arranges to see her and if I'm around I'll go too. She no longer rules my life. When we are in contact I'm super lovely, gives her nothing to moan or complain about. I finally think this is an issue for her now.

BTW she's 75

OP posts:
DopeOnARope · 04/09/2017 17:14

One possibility, given what you say about her previous moodiness etc, is that she said she wanted to have the kids more as a competitive thing because YOUR parents have them more / see them more. And by the time she was actually getting to spend the weekend with them she had worked it up in her mind as a massive favour she was doing for you at great inconvenience to herself..

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 17:15

@mycontessadiplump I think you've hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
MegCleary · 04/09/2017 17:16

75 I'd say just knackered and maybe surprised she was knackered

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 17:18

Did she do the things with the dc that they'd written down?

What did they say she was irritable about? Might give you some clues.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 04/09/2017 17:19

What exactly is so dramatic about was I said Pandora? The fact I am shocked you'd send flowers? Or that I said she was rude? She was or I said she acted like a cunt to her grandchildren? She did. You can't be that rude to kids, you just can't, it's shitty behaviour, not dramatic at all. I didn't say send flowers to her grave, that would be dramatic, just why the he would you send flowers to anyone after that behaviour

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/09/2017 17:19

op ah, I thought so. Your DH has got a slightly older version of my own mother (now deceased). Call me a dreadul person, but I'm secretly relieved that we never had to negotiate this sort of situation as it would inevtiably have arisen (DC were v small when she died).