MIL - somehow we've upset her.

[JakeBallardswife]

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

She sounds like my ahem, lovely DM

My DM is always on at my DB to babysit the DGC but whenever they take her up on it she get's really huffy by the end of a few hours because it's not as much fun or relaxing as she expected it to be (I don't know what she expects, she didn't enjoy parenting the first time around either...) DB and SIL tired of the martyr routine years ago.

If I were babysitting a 10yo and 13yo and found it too tiring, I'd just allow them unlimited TV/gaming time until their parents returned, and go for a lie down if I needed to. What I wouldn't do is flounce off home early, and I definitely wouldn't get one of the kids to ring and say I was about to leave! Shoddy behaviour on her part. You should all be far less available to her, your DH included.

@Butterymuffin that's what I'd do too. TBH I fully expected that to happen, we'd had a busy week out and about so they were happy to be at home, board games, films, maybe swimming ( 5 min drive or 40 min walk)

My first post was a bit glossing over the situation but if I go into it too much and her behaviour then I do find myself getting wound up.

Stop sending her flowers (unless it's a cactus - yes, send her a 🌵...)

I would be furious if someone left my kids alone.

Our in laws do the flouncing off thing too. If their demands are not met, no matter how inreasonable they just leave.

So for ds's birthday they arrived early, insisted on all the doors being open (it was minus ten) and 'tidied up' which meant poking through everything they could get their hands on. Then they sat stony faced on the sofa while small children played nicely and the attention was on ds - I'm not sure what they expected (attention on them) but they left early. They've also left at 5am when we've politely refused to do something they insist on ( like redecorating our house in their taste, or packed and left when we declined taking a newborn out in almost 40 degrees to somewhere with no shade.) it's an eight hour drive home for them.

Such peculiar behaviour and so controlling - they just throw a tantrum if they don't get their way, then ring and cry at dh down the phone. It's bizarre behaviour.

Just ignore her, op. If she starts the whole woe is me shit then tell her you couldnt possibly impose on her again after she found it so draining to look after the kids - in fact perhaps it's her who needs help these days? Has she considered getting some help in etc etc. Anyone who gets an earful of her poison should be told he same thing. "Poor mil, so worried about her, you know she was too tired to watch the kids and left them alone? Yes alone. I know ... yes we have thought about early signs of dementia, wandering behaviour..."

You're very calm about it all (which of course is the correct way to deal with it) but ffs...

She was really spoiling for a fight, wasn't she? Well bloody done for not giving it to her and being the bigger person. She arrived not on the day planned and too late for you to attend the ceremony and you didn't bite, then eff'd off early and still you sent her flowers and a thank you. I think you are the poster girl woman for how to deal with the narcissistic bitches of the world.

Now you know she is perfectly willing to treat your children with the same level of contempt she treats you and your husband, you can put some good boundaries in place. And as you say, you won't be leaving your dc with her again. 👏

Personally, I think the flowers were a brilliant idea. Either she'll think you 'appreciated' her 'effort' or she'll think they're being sent as a sarcastic gesture. I'd be happy with either reaction, tbf, and anyone who sees them will say 'Oh how lovely your son and DiL are! They sent you flowers for watching your DGC!". She'll have to bite her tongue or sound like a shrew.

Lesson learnt, eh? You'll never ask and she'll never offer again.

PandoraXbox why are you so desperate for the MIL's behaviour to be the fault of her OP and her DC?

I think you handled it very well.

Don't give her a fight or a reason to complain. Just don't ask her again and don't mention any future weekends away either.

The flowers were a brilliant passive aggressive move.

I'm just thinking back to when my inlaws looked after the dc once and were in a rush to leave when we got back.
The DC's had been bickering the whole time. Just wondered if that's what had happened here and if the MIL was ill or something.

@JakeBallardswife : you're a better person than me OP. So calm. So collected. You've smothered her with kindness. Well done!

If I'd missed my friend's wedding ceremony then the wheels would have come off. And leaving my kids unattended when you were under the impression they were being cared for: would have been the nuke button,

As always, you can only rejoice when these things happen as it's another reason to disengage,

Well done you!

Pandora - this doesn't seem to be the case as MIL didn't even turn up on time and made OP miss the wedding ceremony - so not the fault of the kids

There's obviously a lot of history between the OP and her MIL going of recent posts.
I was just surprised that the OP was surprised that's all given that she knows what's she like.

I don't wish to overdo things but your MIL's behaviour and mood swings and quite contrary attitude were those that my own mother manifested at the age of 75!Little did we know at the time but learned later that it was the onset of dementia! I obviously, sincerely hope that is not the case with your MIL.

Smother her with kindness
Doesn't matter what you smother her with, really! plastic bags work well But great PA gesture.

I'm with the poster who said just smother her - stop with the kindness!

As for missing the ceremony I'd have left when we needed to, they're old enough to be left alone for a bit. I'd have had no problem wth them being left on the Sunday either IF she had rung & asked if it was ok.

Turning up late & buggering off early when other plans had been made with her is just ridiculous & her trying to wind you up.

If I were you this would be the final straw, I wouldn't be going to visit her or don't anything else for her. I wouldn't give a flying fuck what SIL & BIL think. Not because she left them home alone, but because of her attitude.

Had the kids had enough of her beng grumpy and gone to their rooms? I'd assume that's what prompted the 'there's no point' comment.

My Aunty is in her late 80's and often has all 4 of her very lively GC. She'll have them for a few days quite happily. She's a bit knackered afterwards but she cooks loads, plays games & football while they're they, somim not surprised! She's a star!

I imagine she felt she should offer to help then realised how tired she is.
I offer to do stuff then when it comes to it I'm all huffing and puffing feeling ridiculously tired. I often have to bail earlier than I expect.

I imagine she felt she should offer to help then realised how tired she is.
I offer to do stuff then when it comes to it I'm all huffing and puffing feeling ridiculously tired. I often have to bail earlier than I expect.

Yeah I mean we can all sympathise with that, but you wouldn't leave two young kids alone would you? I'm constantly knackered but the thought of leaving someone's children by themselves...

Maybe they had ignored her? Or fought and bickered?

OP couldn't leave the DCs alone to go to the ceremony because she had no guarantee that the MIL would actually come.

If they'd behaved badly she shouldn't have left them alone. She should have waited till their parents came home and told them they'd behaved badly. There's no justification for leaving them alone - I know they're 13 and 10 but that's such an awful thing to do :/

She offered to look after the kids so you could go to a wedding, then not only did she turn up late making you miss said wedding, she walked out on your kids before you got home?
How the hell are you seeming so calm and sending her flowers and saying you think you've upset her?
There's absolutely no way she'd EVER be looking after them again. Or at least seeing them without somebody there with her.

I often have to bail earlier than I expect.

But that doesn't really make sense as MIL had a 2 hour drive ahead of her Surely you would wait 20 minutes for the parents to get home and then go for a nap/stay the night so you aren't tired driving?

I don't care what age she is... or how ill she felt.. or how tired she was... anybody had left my kids alone.. after promising to babysit them.. is Dangerously Inappropriate.. ..I don't care what age the kids are.. they were left in Her CARE... and She would never set foot in my home again.... EVER ..

you have the patience of a Saint OP ..

So she DROVE 2 hours home... TIRED

are you kidding me ..... crazy

That's a bit mean Gemini. No matter what she's like she's 75 years old and two hours driving is a fair distance in anyone's book.

OP has your DH asked her why she left before you got home yet?