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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL - somehow we've upset her.

187 replies

JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 16:27

I think it must say I am being unreasonable but I do need a rant on here rather than to DH who I think is really surprised with MIL's behaviour.

MIL very kindly looked after the DC's this weekend at our house whilst we were away at a wedding. Often my parents help with childcare but MIL had previously indicated that she's really like to have them so when we got the invite through 6 months ago we asked her and she agreed to have them.

She was going to come to our house approx 2 hour drive from hers on the Friday, spend the day with us and then we could take her and DC's out to dinner on Friday and then we go on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday lunchtime. The plan was that she'd then stay with us until Monday when she could go home if she wanted or stay as long as was wanted.

However she actually came on Saturday morning as she said she was tired and wanted a rest before she came to us, this was ok as we just delayed our leaving time. Not a particular issue, we did miss the ceremony bit of the wedding but not a huge issue as we'd never confirmed times with her. But on our way home on Sunday DS called to say that MIL wanted to go home and were we close because she was on her way out the door!

MIL did leave without us being home, we were only about 20 mins away but it was 2pm on Sunday, not late and around the time we'd planned to be home. We called her and asked if she needed anything as we were close to home and said did she want to stay until we got back and she said no. 'What was the point'.

Somehow, I feel we're managed to upset or annoy her but I can't for the life of me think how. Either that or she's not feeling very well. I've sent her some flowers to say thank you for having the DC's over the weekend, so hopefully they will cheer her up. But it is all a little odd.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 20:52

it's absolutely NOT mean... when it comes to Children.. there are NO Bending the rules.... she was totally inappropriate

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 04/09/2017 20:52

No matter what she's like she's 75 years old and two hours driving is a fair distance in anyone's book

You don't say you're going to look after them for a wedding, turn up late making you miss it, and then abandon the kids before you get home.
You just don't.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 20:58

The dc said she was tired and irritable.
That with the fact she came late and left early indicates something was amiss.

I know MILs are nearly always wrong on MN but I'd still want to check she was ok if she were my children's grandmother i.e. the H should have hopefully rang her to see.

schoolgaterebel · 04/09/2017 21:10

She arrived late and caused you to miss the ceremony!

She left your children alone!

Why on earth would you buy this woman flowers? I'd be tearing a strip off her and never asking her help again.

DopeOnARope · 04/09/2017 21:11

I would be checking in her health: tired before she came, desperate to get home....

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 04/09/2017 21:21

DH called her last night and then she called him this morning about something else. She says she's fine, I'm assuming she's not feeling very well though. Hopefully being home will make her feel more secure and cheerful.

Her leaving early meant that I didn't have to see her for the remainder of Sunday & until she would've left on Monday, every cloud...

I have distanced myself as indicated earlier, however she's still DH's mum so I don't wish her ill.

OP posts:
CallMeDollFace · 04/09/2017 21:47

Hmm. I've also got some very similar experience. I'm inclined to think your smothering with kindness is really pissing her off now, because she just isn't getting the attention she craves in the form of a big reaction. How lovely for you that she lives two hours away.

Keep it up! Wink

And obviously no more babysitting.

PandorasXbox · 04/09/2017 21:53

What do you think is wrong with her OP? Has she been ill before?

Got to say there's some really unkind comments on this thread.

Kimlek · 04/09/2017 21:53

Taking the moral high ground is always the best move with people like your MIL.
My PIL are exactly the same! The also left early (my DC were 12, 11 & 7 at the time.) They complained that they weren't needed! My DC said they were trying to be helpful by making themselves & my PIL breakfasts & lunches etc. No pleasing some people! I also sent them flowers as thanks otherwise I'd be the ungrateful one. Not worth the aggravation. We now pay for overnight babysitters.

Mittens1969 · 04/09/2017 22:08

That's awful, arriving late and making you miss the wedding which was the whole reason for her staying with your children. And then walking out?? I certainly don't think she merited flowers, no matter what she might say to your SIL and BIL.

GnomeDePlume · 04/09/2017 22:40

I think different people react to babysitting differently.

My DM would always want to emphasise how much work it had been and how she had 'only just sat down when we walked back in (despite us being able to see her sound asleep on the sofa as we walked up to the door!).

DPiL were quite different, we could come back to the house and find them outside tied to a lamp post and they would cheerfully claim the children had been no bother!

I think it is down to how they want to be perceived as grandparents: hard working or care free.

N0tNowBernard · 04/09/2017 23:16

How bad for the children as well if they feel like they might have behaved in a way that drove MIL away when they haven't done anything wrong!

YANBU she shouldn't I have left them, and if it was down to illness then she should have just said! People haven't got a crystal ball!

SouthWindsWesterly · 04/09/2017 23:38

So BIL, the rock,'is the golden child?

TBH you should go LC/NC. She kicked up a fuss, wanted to take her turn to look after the kids and turned up late, making you kiss the actual wedding ceremony, buggered off early and got your dc to call to tell you that she was going before you were home? That's fucking shit. Your dc are either rolling their eyes saying that's gran which means she's always treated them second best or they're upset that gran couldn't be arsed to spend any time with them. Which is also shit as as they realise that they don't even rank on their grans radar.

Shove the bigger person - this is very much a case of a narc who only thinks of herself and her golden boy. If this was me, I wouldn't accept this behaviour again - if your DH wants to see his mum again, fair play but I would insist that the DC and myself were not included in the mind games. Create distance between you all - for your DC's sake if anything.

Jaxhog · 04/09/2017 23:55

That's awful, arriving late and making you miss the wedding which was the whole reason for her staying with your children. And then walking out??
This isn't on. Especially leaving your DCs on their own. You could have been unavoidably detained and not got back when expected. I wouldn't let her do anything like this again, You can't trust her.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2017 00:03

She sounds very toxic and manipulative. I would keepbher at arms length if it was too much she should have said before. Lower your expectations of her, and don't have much to do with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2017 00:06

Stop trying to be the bigger person, and please, as you never will. Her behaviour was shit, and you sent her flowers, wtaf! She made you late for the wedding, and buggered off early. Seriously go Low contact or no contact

Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 05/09/2017 00:07

Nope DH agrees, there won't be a next time.

We are LC, with all of them. Happened because it used to be me who led meeting up etc. Now I leave to DH and MIL to negotiate times and dates with one another. I've git a new job around a year ago and have more responsibility now and genuinely don't have time for her mind games. Previously I worked very part time, I was more available.

OP posts:
Original poster
JakeBallardswife · 05/09/2017 00:08

I got a new job. Not git!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2017 00:09

Good idea, shecis definitely what you call a toxic person.

MrsOverTheRoad · 05/09/2017 00:18

My MIL is 70 and full of how she wants to see more of my DC who are 9 and 13...but when she HAS them, it's a bloody nightmare. She's confused by them wanting to spend any time alone or by their ways in general and like you OP, she has a much younger, more compliant grandchild of 3...who she spends way more time with.

Pisses me off really. It's not that hard to adjust as an adult from a toddler's ways to those of teens/tweens.

Lymmmummy · 05/09/2017 17:38

You could always ask her ?

Seems v odd to leave before you have arrived back regardless of age of children and surely she would know the effort required given her looking after her 3yr old other GC

My MIL begged and I mean begged that we "must" take DS to her house a v inconvenient and expensive trip for us because she was allegedly thrilled at the prospect of babysitting her first GC Andy insisting she was keen " to give us a break" - then she took an enormous huff when it actually required her to do anything like look after him for a day or two on her own - we never asked again and she never offered - just one of those things - in our case I think mil just completely underestimated the effort and energy required to look after a toddler for a day or two - then tried to imply that she had somehow been taken advantage of despite us agreeing the terms clearly before the visur snd despite the whole idea being hers - perhaps like your mil she asks for things then when the reality of helping out hits her she makes out she has been unfairly taken advantage of - oh wellSmile

FizzyGreenWater · 05/09/2017 17:39

You sound like you are handling it all very well OP.

She sounds like a bitter drama queen. And you can bet your bum that she HATES the way you don't react and don't dance to her tune when she pulls a stunt.

Lower contact now, I'd say. And no more invites. Silly MIL...

WarriorNation · 05/09/2017 17:44

I think you're being entirely reasonable to feel a bit miffed. I'd enquire about her health (physical and mental), not only from her but from any siblings of DH, and if all is well, maintain your distance and position on the moral high ground (!) and refuse any further offers of help to look after your DCs again. MILs are, in my experience, fabulous at times, but only when it suits them to be, so I don't tend to rely on mine and after a couple of rather distressing times, including one ruined holiday, I maintain a warm, but slightly distant, relationship. Best of luck, but I think you're doing the right thing.

kastiekastie · 05/09/2017 17:46

I know my parents get annoyed with looking after my brother's kids if they are on 'their gadgets' as my mum calls it i.e. technology, the whole time. They look forward to seeing the grandkids and then feel that it's one sided. That could give rise perhaps to a 'what's the point' type comment. At 10 and 13 leaving them alone for 20 minutes is not unreasonable but the way it was done is. She sounds like she's reacted really immaturely to something and I'd have to ask what was up. Depressed? ill?

necklaceofraindrops · 05/09/2017 18:02

@lymmmummy DH, DS and I went on holiday for a few days with my parents when he was about 2. They said they'd look after DS for a couple of evenings so we could go to the local pub and have some time to ourselves and generally help out (self-catering holiday). I ended up cooking every meal for all of us and they went to bed early every night, before DS went to bed. At the end of the holiday, they said it had been such a lovely refreshing break for all of us. Needless to say, that was the first and last time we went on holiday with them!