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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh piss off

165 replies

JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 22:08

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood Angry

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

OP posts:
bubblybum · 03/09/2017 22:23

Oh we had this too. I remember one year when ds was a few months old we were driving up for xmas day and they rang us first thing in the morning and told us to hurry up (none of them had dc and were all still in bed). Have driven there with all three dc on a nine hour journey as there were roadworks and should have been four hours. None of them drove to us.

Sorry no advice op, just a grudge held for ex pils

Original poster
JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 22:27

That's it - I've got a big grudge and I don't want to give it up!

OP posts:
TroelsLovesSquinkies · 03/09/2017 22:28

Yes this used to piss me off too.
It's the same distance from us to them as it is from them to us.
If it's too far for them to come to you, then why would they think it's OK for you? Makes no sense. I'd tell them to piss off.
Same with people who complain that you don't call them. Hello, phones work both ways!

PigeonPie · 03/09/2017 22:29

I don't have any advice either OP but you have my sympathy too. DH's family live 300 miles away from us and the only time we see them is when we make the effort to go to them.

MiL hasn't been to see us at home since DS2 was born and he's almost 10!

I would stand your ground and just say that when they can make the effort to see you, then you can go and see them!

Sashkin · 03/09/2017 22:33

DFIL used to do this when DS was first born and I was still getting over my c-section. DFIL lives in zone 4, we live in zone 2. It was not exactly a long way for him to come - he works in central London. DH put his foot down.

FenceSitter01 · 03/09/2017 22:34

Two ways of looking at this. Lots of relatives. DH (and yourselves) can travel back to see DHs home town and lots of relatives OR lots of relatives come and visit you, individually, like a dripping tap that never ends. I know which I prefer.

Original poster
JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 22:41

My favourite saying is 'the road goes both ways'......

I actually said once I would go there 10 times for every one time someone came to see us....(that didn't work)

DH makes me feel unreasonable about it. I have a bad association of going there as I hated going to my PILs so fucking much.
I know DH thinks it's a great city but 99% of my visits were being stuck inside in-laws houses 'visiting' I have no love for the place.

Also most of his relationship with his relatives was formed when he was kids and saw them lots - they are virtual strangers to me.
The relative who he's gone to see (who is very nice) I have met maybe 4 times in 25 years - and DH has tried to see her dozens of other times we have visited, always 'too busy'.

OP posts:
AtomHeart · 03/09/2017 22:42

Ah, don't worry about the miserable lot. You won't change them.

Original poster
JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 22:49

It's a moot argument though @FenceSitter01 seeing as none of them have ever been or ever will now I'm sure.

Even when we have been there we have struggled to see anyone as they all expect to go to theirs (all over the place) and they won't alter their plans (can't you come next weekend as well etc)

God I'm an old moan. The thought of the drive up makes me ill - I suspect he also hates going up, doesn't want to admit it and would like me there for company.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 03/09/2017 22:51

I know exactly what you mean. DH and I live between our families. 2.5 hours to one lot and 4.5 hours to the other.

We did most of the travelling to see family until DD was born. When she was a few weeks old she developed some serious helath issues which meant that we needed to be near the local children's hospital in case there was an emergency.

We then said to both families that if they wanted to see us they could jolly well make the effort because we wouldn't be visiting them.

And it worked.

DD is 17 now and those health problems resolved themselves many years ago. MIL is too unwell to travel so we visit her, but SIL could come and see us if she wants but she won't. I suspect that when MIL dies we will see less of SIL because she won't travel, and DH feels that it is unfair that we should do all the work (he has had serious health problems recently)

Maelstrop · 03/09/2017 22:53

No advice, op, my family is similar with the whinging, also about 4.5 hrs away. I've invited them endlessly, made the house DC friendly, we live in London, we suggest amazing (well, I think they're amazing!) days out at our expense and I get moaned at when I go 'home'.

Do what you're comfortable doing, don't be pushed into doing more than you want, put your foot down, be forceful. I've reduced my visits to once a year plus a long weekend which we all travel for. Get animals, OP! They're a fabulous excuse. I couldn't possibly put multiple dogs into kennels at such and such a price and who would look after the horses? Extreme, but it works for me!

Demander · 03/09/2017 22:53

It's the rule apparently. When you leave you have to go back.
If you go rogue you return to the pack, the pack doesn't travel.
At least you control the length and frequency of stay

goodeggsarehardtocatch · 03/09/2017 22:54

I have now determined that it's 'longer driving this way ' as we are expected to do the drive there every 8 weeks but in 29 years they have only managed it twice ! Despite driving straight past the motorway junction for us 2-3 times a month to collect the fecking racing pidgeons Confused

Maelstrop · 03/09/2017 22:55

f you go rogue you return to the pack, the pack doesn't travel.

Ha, you put it succinctly and brilliantly, that's exactly it, Demander!

Pandoraslastchance · 03/09/2017 22:58

Ah yes we have the expectation of traveling via public transport (bus, train, changing to another train and then another bus) with 3 kids but none of the family are able to travel this way in their own cars.

I know,the motorways must be spirals that take many many miles more of traveling

yorkshireyummymummy · 03/09/2017 23:00

They won't change- why would they even want to when you and your family have always done the leg work? My advice for what it's worth is visit twice a year if you have to . Otherwise, Get them all in a round robin and give them the dates in advance of when you are coming, where you will be staying and what their plans can be. Remind them that you will have have travelled for X miles and for X hours so it's only fair if they drive the last 2/4/10 miles to see you. It's much easier to do it in writing than it is in person! But since your PIL are dead I wouldn't be going for anything but events- weddings , funerals, christenings etc and even then only if they fell in with my plans and dates. If your DH wants to go back occasionally then that's his decision. But it's his family and they don't seem that close if you have only met some of them four times in. 25 years!! I think you have more than done your duty since you were married. Be strong, put your foot down and use the extra time you have gained to enjoy your self!! Ten visits in one year?? God, you must be a bloody Saint. !!!

Maryz · 03/09/2017 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yorkshireyummymummy · 03/09/2017 23:04

Maelstrop can I come and visit you please? I would live some amazing days out in London at somebody else's expense!!! And I'm a really good house guest, don't mind doing the cooking, I clean the loo and I always strip my bed before I leave!

yorkshireyummymummy · 03/09/2017 23:04

Maelstrop can I come and visit you please? I would love some amazing days out in London at somebody else's expense!!! And I'm a really good house guest, don't mind doing the cooking, I clean the loo and I always strip my bed before I leave!

Original poster
JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 23:13

@Demander that's it exactly - but it's not my pack so I think they can piss off now....

OP posts:
ThoseCowsAreFarAway · 03/09/2017 23:17

We have this problem too. We bought a house less than a year ago about an hours drive from dhs family - I cannot understand how they can be so uninterested as to not bother to come and visit us in our new home. We visit them every 6 to 8 weeks or so... Constantly hear how 'busy' they are and how they must come but blah, blah, blah...

I get cross and give out about them every now and again - but you can't change other people only how you react to them. If they wanted to visit they would. I've stopped asking them now and just try and enjoy our visits for what they are and not dwell on their selfishness and thoughtlessness.

HurtyAtThirty · 03/09/2017 23:18

We have the same problem, we live 3 hours from my IL and we're always expected to go to them. My FIL hates driving and they won't go on the tube which means they can't get a train to the town we live in (which would be cheaper), so instead they have to pay almost £200 to get a train to a station an hour away from us and my DH has to go out of his way to collect them on his way home from work. But now, quite rightly imo, that is too expensive for them.

So instead we get moaned at because we won't take our DD (only grandchild) down to visit every month. To put it in context, we both work out of the house for 12-13hrs a day with our commutes and to drive down there would mean either arriving very late on a Friday and leaving early Sunday (which isn't long enough apparently) OR taking holiday to travel (which I'm against as my vacation days are precious!). It wouldn't be so bad if they reciprocated, but like your DHs family it's always one sided...

Recently we went down but couldn't stay with the IL because SIL has moved back in and there was no space for us. We'd planned the trip to see our friends and their children, as shamelessly we haven't seen them since they were born and some are almost 1! It's the first time in 2.5 yrs where we've visited and arranged to see friends, I'm conscious that IL don't get to see DD often so don't want to eat into their time, but on the other hand I'm sure our friends are getting sick of having to drive to us if they want to see us. We invited IL to come with us to see friends as we wanted to extend their time with DD. All hell broke loose when we got home on the Sunday, MIL sent a very shitty message about being mistreated by us and not knowing DD enough, but refuses to visit more as "there's nothing to do up here" (I would've thought just seeing DD and her DS would be enough...but no!) and won't Skype as DD won't sit still long enough to talk (she's only 2!).

For some people you'll never win, stay strong and don't back down. Like you say, it's a two way street!

HurtyAtThirty · 03/09/2017 23:18

Also, IL are both retired so wouldn't be an issue with work etc

Original poster
JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 23:22

@yorkshireyummymummy 10 visits and BIL said 'you only bother to come up once a year'.... glad you've taken notice
Actually the 10 visits (many weddings) and the one time I went for Christmas AND new year broke me - I reduced visits after that....

Thing is also they all assume we are staying with BIL - but we're not (cos he's a dickhead) as it's always too inconvenient for them and ruins their DCs routines Confused (mostly because he's a dickhead)

So I also don't go on the basis we are not shelling out for a hotel - so just the same inconvenience for them to come to us (which they won't)

I don't want them to come to me either really esp after all this time - I just really really don't want to go there anymore.... so I won't Grin

One of his uncles has been telling him about going on a lads weekend - 45 minutes away from us (DH is texting - he's not impressed).

OP posts:
SideOrderofSprouts · 03/09/2017 23:23

I have the opposite. My parents live in the uk mainland and get over to
Us as least once a year and us to them

My mil loves five bloody minutes down the road next to lne sil and can't be arsed to come
And visit us but can go round the island on buses taking pictures.

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