Oh piss off

[JanineMelnitz]

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

The further I read, the more I am convinced that my family are nice and normal. Yes my sister and BIL live overseas and we are in the west country. My DM lives in the Midlands and my DMIL on the South coast. We get around and see them all. Sometimes we have to shell out for a hotel or Air B&B. We shall take christmas to gt grandma this year, with Tesco's help. When we retire we have in mind a location that will cut distances and we are looking forward to a time when our journeys are shorter and we see more of our friends.

DH is home, he had a shit time.

Partly he is desperate for us to come for the company I think, he's very much a black sheep (in a good way) and he really has nothing in common with them (esp as he doesn't drink).

I don't feel guilty, I never will, I literally have no interest in going there. I don't like the place and there's no one I am desperate see.

There are family members DC would like to see, however a days drive and you are never guaranteed they will make the time is frankly not good enough. Also one of DC is really car sick these days anyway - always a good excuse....

It's hard for DH ever since I met him he talked about how amazing his family were and with age he's really seeing it's not true. The reason he knew and saw everyone so much was drinking and socialising that he was never going to be part of as a grown up - at least as a child there were always lots of other children - his generation of family members are also massive boozers as well.

At least he's gone and been now and it will go quiet for a while!

Thing is they will moan anyway - if we went more they will start the 'when are you moving back' moan instead - equally as dull.....

I know what you mean op. We moved 128 miles before we had dd and in the first year we had her we were always coming back. Tbf my parents did visit 2 Christmas's and never visited when we lived up the road but most other people expected us to visit. We had some friends come to stay and mil once. Also fil came once with his kids and partner however we did live somewhere that is a massive tourist trap. We now live 40 miles away as we wanted to be closer to family and the same people visit and don't visit. Mil has now fallen out with us though but still can't be arsed to make an effort.

Most of my relatives live in same town/county and u don't see any of them. OH family live in abother county and we only see them at funerals etc. Rather fly to visit my friends and they fly to visit me. Families are a pain in the arse.

I'm with you on this one op. We live 120 miles from my il...only his brother has ever been here. They even have the cheek to call my dp on his birthday and ask when he's coming to collect his gifts...it really grinds my gears.

By in-laws are generally selfish centred, self obsessed and absorbed. They only live 30 mins up the road and never bother visiting or inviting us anywhere. But then she says she loves kids etc and doesn't bother with her own GC. Never even takes them to see Santa at Christmas or anything.
We got one precious day a week now to spend as a family. I refuse to spend that now sitting at her house bored listening to her talk about work.

Amazing how some folk expect others especially if younger to do all the travelling. Just tell them you have at last realised they are right, it's too fat!

We only live an hour away and I can count on one hand how many times my mum has come to visit. Oh 'you never come visit me blah blah blah'.

The problem is they all live walking distance between each other and I'm the one who moved out. They don't realise that when they all have their occasions, I'm there. That can equal a lot of visits. Then they expect me to further visit. My mum is the one pissing me off the most. She can travel 3 hours to Bournemouth but not an hour to me, then complain that I don't visit and expect me to feel motivated to visit her

DP's family are like this. They all live a 5 hour drive away and don't come to us ever. Pre-DS, we used to go up about 6 or 7 times a year, me doing all the driving as DP can't drive. Last time we went up there (post c-section with a 10 week old colicky DS) it took 10 hours due to road works and heavy holiday traffic. It was a nightmare, DS spent the entire weekend agitated and miserable, refused to go to anyone but me and DP, DP and I bickered continually due to the stress. The family then complained that I wanted to leave at 4pm on the Sunday instead of doing an overnight journey "like we used to".

We haven't seen them since as I refuse to drive up there now until DP has got a licence and can share the driving, and none of them ever come to see us. DS is 2.5. I think DP thinks I'm just trying to stop him from seeing them

If you go rogue you return to the pack, the pack doesn't travel.

This is exactly how they think

Our in laws only live about an hour away but on the very few times we've visited we've not been made very welcome. We have 4 dc, one of whom is autistic. He's not very good with long journeys and likes his home comforts.
Pil house is very small as it's just them, (That's not a problem in itself tho) but we are expected to travel there, squeeze into their sitting room, kids can't play in garden as it's a massive dog toilet plus they have cream carpets. Kids are made to eat in kitchen over the bin (too small for a table) so as not to ruin carpet. Ornaments everywhere. Dc get very bored so take electronics. Pil moan that the kids play electronics.
It's not a very enjoyable experience . We've suggested meeting nearby but turned down. We're very polite when there and the kids are well behaved

When they come to us, fil constantly moans about the journey, moans he's uncomfortable and is generally moody. Mil sits and slags off other family members while we nod and grunt in the right places. We are very accommodating and although we don't have room for them to stay overnight we feed and water them and try to entertain them. They never stay long and moan about the journey back and how long it will take.
We are now lc/nc and only see them at family parties.

Don't get me started on the rest of the in laws, always arranging stuff and we never get invited. It's lovely seeing fb posts with all dh siblings plus kids with comments like "with the fam " or "great day out with all the family" cheers for the invite
And they only literally live round the corner.

Then When I decline their offers to have the kids, they have the cheek to get offended. Our youngest is only 2 and barely knows them. And all their kids are a lot older and don't play the same sort of games

Even my own mother doesn't visit, always too busy. She's 30 min away. I was always visiting her but with 4 dc under 12 it was a bit of a mission although the visits always went well.
She's always asking when we are going next. Um, you have a car, how about you come to us for a change. I can count on one hand the times she's come here in the almost 6 years we've been here.
My dsis and her dd make more of an effort, we take it in turns for her to take a 2hr train here or I drive to collect her.
Crazy

I can relate to this. DH's bro and family live 3.5 hours drive from us -DD was 3 months when they first met her (bad colic so couldn't face driving up earlier). You wouldn't have been able to keep me away from meeting my only siblings firstborn! They came down once 10 years ago for our DD's 1st birthday celebration and swore they would never do it again as the journey on the M1 was too long and stressful. But ok for us to do it with 2 kids in the back (they had no kids then & were flexible)! They have a son now and have travelled down to London on numerous occasions and even drove to Legoland (30 mins from us!) but no attempt to meet with us. We saw the pics on FB! Bizarrely the family consider themselves close!! Then we travel up we get all the 'you need to come up more often comments'.

When my DB's children were small, any invitations from us for them to visit us were met by my SIL with 'its too far in the car for the children' (an hour) so we always went to them, which was fine. That is, until the children grew up, and there was always some other excuse. Wwe would love to have had them over, especially the children, but it never happened. To cap it all dSIL moaned to her own family members who they visited often (3.5 hour journey), that they always had to entertain us, and not the other way round! You just cannot win with some people.

Yes, they can piss off