Oh piss off

[JanineMelnitz]

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

Unfortunately I don't think there is a clear line where it might need to change - perhaps in your head but not in the parents head

Does their need to be a 'clear line' though? Their was no line in my head. Things just evolve naturally. My parents have always wanted to see where I live/work. I've not always been able to afford to visit at that particular time, so they've visited me because they want to see me. It sounds like you're saying 'they've dared to move away so they can make all the effort' which seems quite sad to me when you're talking about your own child. It's nothing to do with 'obligation', just the desire to spend time with your family.

My aunt and uncle live about half an hour away. When we were kids, my mum made such an effort, we used to go to them every holidays, so that we could play with my cousins (who I was quite close to and still am), but they never, EVER came to us.

Eventually my mum got fed up and stopped going. We haven't seen them since. I see my cousins from time to time, but we mainly keep in touch via Facebook. I haven't seen my aunt since my Grandma's funeral in 2011, and my uncle, who is sadly bed bound with MS, I haven't seen since a family party in 2004.

They simply won't come and see us, despite us being half an hour away. We don't really bother with most of our extended family any more. My husband's family are in the north (Lancs) and we're in the south (West country - God's own country) and we make a trip there every two years or so. Again, they rarely, if ever come down, and never just to see us - we're always a pit stop on the way to somewhere else.

It's sad, because we have two beautiful, funny little boys, who they never see, but it's their loss.

Ecureuil exactly - it's not about obligation, it's about wanting to see you children or, on the sad other hand, making clear that you don't want to. Or at least you don't want to enough to actually have to make an effort.

And as I've said in our case it's not about them maybe being able to do less that they seem to be able to - DH's DF makes long journeys, just not to us in the five years that we've lived far away!!

And there is a clear line if your children were, as I explained we did in my pp, to say to you "we would love to see you but we are completely unable to this year because of the cost and the time. Can we meet in the middle, or you come to us this time?". There. If it wasn't clear enough by the fact that the situation has changed since we were students in digs, where we now have our own home and family and obligations, it's definitely clear when spelled out.

"Then once they have a spare room/house of their own, just share equally unless there are other factors (health, activities at location etc)!"

Spot on, thecats. Once your DC have grown up and set up their own homes it baffles me that you wouldn't just have what is basically a loving relationship of equals where all involved make the effort!

It just seems like such a shame to treat it as an obligation. It's quite sad that whilst my DPs and DH's mum will be close and involved in our children's lives - and our lives, actually - DH's DF has shown that unless we make the effort again and again, he'll have nothing to do with us. Which in turn makes me quite resentful of making the effort with him, whereas we do it with joy for the rest of the family who bother.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I had this with my ex's family. I was guilted into taking our DD to a christening at 2 weeks old despite still recovering from a haemorrhage and accused of being spiteful when I initially said it wasn't possible. We moved a 40 minute drive from them, they came to our house 3 times in the 7 years we lived there. Yet they threw a huge tantrum when we said we wouldn't be coming every Sunday for lunch anymore as with 3 kids under 4, sitting on the M25 traffic jam wasn't our idea of fun really. We were apparently horrible people for this. Fuck them!

I suspect that a lot of it is because they all live near each other, so expect family stuff to happen there. Visit when you want to see them. If they want to see you more often, it's up to them to make an effort to come to you too.

Yes, it is very sad to think of yourself as an "obligation". I know that a number of my family (and husband's family too) see me/us like this, as a difficult obligation that it's unreasonable to expect them to prioritise. I want them to want to see me, but in the realisation that that won't happen, our relationships drift.

We have never had a spare room !

ecuriel
No I'm not saying that.
I am saying however, things don't always look like they seem, and what looks like an easy journey for some causes issues for others.

Head I couldn't agree more - what my PIL seem to think is an easy journey for us isn't at all. Like, you get that that works both ways right?!

Struggling with health and/or travel isn't actually exclusively reserved for parents or the family members who haven't moved.

Has he ever taken the kids without you, Op?

I mean you being there isn't necessary for his rellies to see his kids, is it?

I have a very similar situation, myself & DH live 300miles from our families. We do visit my family a couple of times a year & they in turn visit us. However my DH's family have never been to visit us since we moved here 3 years ago & even when we lived closer it was always us visiting them! We are the ones always expected to take the time off work, travel & incur the necessary costs for travel, hotel, food etc. I'm currently pregnant so myself & DS haven't seen DH's family since the start of the year as I made the decision that unless it suits me I wasn't making all the effort. I'm happy for DH to do whatever he likes & he has been up to visit for a weekend without us.

In my eyes it works both ways & it shouldn't just be us making all the effort & quite bluntly they should get off their own arse's if they are that bothered!

So I completely agree with you & I think your well within your rights to tell them to piss off!

For all the posters whose families live in the same town but don't bother visiting, ditto!! My MIL can actually see our front door from one of her windows, but I've seen her three times this year (those were birthdays when she dropped cards in). I used to make an effort, call weekly and be on hand if she was ill etc but after an incident a few months ago I realised that I only heard from her if she needed something. Having taken a step back to see if she would step up it's become apparent that she can't be arsed with seeing her grandchildren. She's clearly too busy with her other grandchildren who, gallingly, she sees multiple times a week.

When we moved away to a tourist type town near the sea, we assumed people would come to us. In 12 years we have had one visit by dh's mum and step-dad, and two visits by friends.

If we want to see people we go back, and if we want to keep in touch it's by fb, skype, whatsapp, email etc.

ore
Of course.
It was part of the reason we moved back nearer our parents - as the journey for both of us was too much.

I am very good at texting and Skype though.

When do you have the conversation though?
Do I say by the way DD if you go for a job abroad I can't visit you (wouldn't get insurance)
Or do you wait until they do (trying to not interfere) and then point it out? Or hope you don't need to mention it. It's a bit late then - she might not have chosen to do that, realising that it would be so awkward.

I know that I'd prefer to know before I made the decision to move abroad - I might well still decide to do it but at least I would be moving knowing that it meant that I either would have sole responsibility for visiting or wouldn't see my parents. Also it definitely does make a difference whether they couldn't visit, as in your case unable to get travel insurance etc, or just wouldn't, as in my FIL's case. And if it's the latter and we ever said that we couldn't because we couldn't afford it or get the time off work or weren't well enough, is expect sympathy and offers to help not a guilt trip or resentment.

If it weren't for the utter paucity of jobs near where we grew up, and the insane price of housing there, I might feel more sympathetic to the picture you paint of children just swanning of to the other side of the country, or world. As it is I would bloody love to live nearer both our families, I miss them and I'd love their support and company. But we can't afford it, and I don't want a guilt trip on top of that.

But that's just it - I don't want to guilt trip them and I don't really want her to feel restricted by the need to be close to home.

I think that in your circumstances it's the most understandable thing in the world though, head!

I specifically said in my last post that when I talk about guilt trips and resentment I'm only referring to parents who just don't want to travel rather than can't.

OP - you say your partner has a big extended who mostly live in his hometown. From a practical point of view, it makes more sense for him to go there. However, that doesn't make it right for them to have a go at him for not visiting more often. Any sensible adult should be able to understand that a nine-hour round trip is a big undertaking.

I had this except with friends when I moved cities - from London to another SE city, saying "it's a hour on the train" to her saying "yes but I've got to get to the tube, then mainline station, then it's an hour". Erm, so do I! This was pre DCs.

Ok then, friendship over. (I had been there numerous times in a year).

I also commute from new city to London, and I have a friend who lives in the area where I work yet can't be bothered to say "why don't we meet after work" (I have suggested it and she stood me up/changed plans twice) so I gave up.

Sighs.

I know about bunberry !!