Oh piss off

[JanineMelnitz]

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

Would you really be happy with hosting a constant stream of visiting relatives?

Ah yes. The relatives who live in a strange other dimension where distance becomes elongated, but only for them. I have a B and SIL like this. If, on the rare occasion, they came here it required a stop on the way, an overnight stop, and Everest expedition type organisation for the trip home which everyone is expected to pitch in and help with. However, if we went to them, we were fully expected to go there and back in one day, preferably leaving before tea time so they didn't have to feed us twice in one visit.

The vast distance was a great excuse when MIL needed help and looking after. It was impossible to get there, you see. Funnily enough, they managed to come down every weekend for weeks when MIL's house was being cleared and there was stuff to be had. What a lucky coincidence that they should have been so able to travel at the right time, eh.

Now that's all sorted we never hear from them, even when they've been holidaying less than half an hour away. Actually that suits me fine!

Stick to your guns, OP.

I think a lot of parents are in poorer health that we admit to ourselves. Or have other commitments.
my mum never announced she stopped driving for example, she just made excuses why she didn't want to drive in that occasion.

Yabu they all live in the same town. It would be waaaaay easier for you guys to go to them. It is a long journey. I can totally see why they don't want to do it. I can see why you don't want to either but for his family I think it should be you and your family that make the effort. I'm guessing you moved away?

I have something similar to many on here. My parents are long gone, sadly. DPs live 5 hours away (at best). We see them 3 or 4 times a year, and I think they have stayed with us twice in 18 yrs (and MIL looked after my DD when DP and I had to be away for two days)
18 yrs ago they were aged 62 and 65 - not too old to drive, but they still didn't come. Now they are 80 and 83 and Fil has had a stroke, so they probably never will again. Sigh.

Next time you go, could you not choose a restaurant pretty central and message them all saying we will be up on xday. meet us at x at xtime. If they don't come they can't complain you don't make the effort.

She will also earn more than I do - strange the assumption was that it would be the other way!

supersop
My mum had given up driving at that age. (We didn't know) Also appearances can be so deceptive. I am tired of the people who keep saying to me "oh but you look so well". I don't know why they do it but it doesn't make me feel better!

In 25 year of marriage my FIL has been to visit us 5 times! Instead we have visited them with DC many times over the years for the three hour journey there and back. They now don't like us to stay and so expect us to do a six hour round trip in a day for a two hour lunch in a horrid pub. Won't be doing that again. Also, don't get me started on the fact that quite clearly their phone doesn't make outgoing calls apparently!

Same here. Spent years taking our family to see different parts of my family - three and half hours to one, six hours to another.

No more. I decided I will keep in touch with those members of my family who keep in touch with me. Even emails don't get answered. I phone regularly to one person and that's it (they ring me regularly).

We travel to see one of OH's family (five hours) as they travel to see us.

Stick to your guns OP.

@Looneytune253 I've never lived there!

They still think DH will move back - he won't, his job doesn't exist there anyway

And if we go there we are expected to go see them individually so hard to see more than one or two at a push - they aren't very accommodating.

It's a city, so takes a long time to travel from one house to another. They wouldn't even come to PILs they won't come to a restaurant.

They literally think us coming up is not a hassle (we get invited to things mid - week after work regularly and are surprised we don't go).

I didn't assume you would earn more than her head, I said that if she is skint for a period would you still feel no obligation to go to her rather than her come to you!

And yes some people may be in worse health than they look - but that's not only to do with age. I think the more you say the more it seems like your circumstances are white particular and don't really let you generalise to say that the obligation to visit lies solely on the one who moved. Perhaps it lies more on the ones with the means (health, financial and time) to do so?

For instance, FIL is 58 and in great health, earns a good wage, takes long holidays, has no young children and has no mortgage to pay. And yet he still expects us to go to him, despite the fact that we work all the time, couldn't afford to take the train to his without sacrifice, and both have physical disabilities. We moved, yes - where he lives there is little public transport, no jobs and expensive properties. Bugger off does us moving mean that we are the only ones who should have to travel to maintain the relationship.

I just mean that if you go and offer them the opportunity to see you then they can't complain that they never see you if you gave them the chance and they never showed up.

ore
I think a lot of people's circumstances are different from what they appear.
No, I would feel under no obligation to visit.

I think it stems from going to uni - most parents don't visit and stay over - you try and give them independence and be happy when they come to see you. Of course you are used to them coming back to see you at holidays etc. When they move away, still it's easier for them to see you by coming home, as their siblings are here etc.
There isn't a point where it signals a change oh we must do equal visits now....

OP I feel your pain. I have been doing this on and off for over 30 years. I can count on one hand the amount of visits from some DH's siblings over the course of 20 years.

Two of his DB's bought MIL down once (who couldn't possibly travel on public transport, like my 80 year old Gran)...one of them actually said.."I'm not being funny, but I wont come down to bring Ma home, coz it's way too far" (2.5 hours). We were expected to pop up every few weeks though.

OH is one of eight. We have had two visits in seven years, and when we do go up it's like too much effort for some of them. I think we got half an hour all told between two family members last time. I dont think we will be bothering now

I know quite a few friends who wouldn't drive 2.5 hours.
Because you can doesn't mean others will find it as easy

I'm really glad my parents don't see visiting me as an 'obligation'!
DH and I have lived in 9 counties and 3 countries since we met 8 years ago. My parents (divorced) have stayed in the same place, where I grew up. We have commitments (young children, jobs etc) as do they. They have always visited us, and us them. My mum earns very little, so I would never expect her to stay in a hotel or pay for her flights, but she still makes the effort to visit.
DH's family on the other hand retired to another country the year DD1 was born. They always expect us to go there, despite the fact that they have far more money than us, no time commitments whatsoever and no pre schoolers to think about. Because us going there is a holiday, you see, and we should be grateful for having the opportunity to stay with them and have a holiday.

And my parents did come and visit me at uni and stay over in a nearby b&b! They wanted to see where I lived/studied etc.

You do come to a point where you just think - fuckit, if they're not bothered with me then I can't be bothered with them either.

As I'm in Australia now, I do NOT expect my friends or family to fly over to visit - it would be lovely if they did but I know it's expensive and a long way - I should know, I do the trip every year back to the UK with DSs.

When I get there, I stay with my Dad. So he doesn't need to travel to see us, obviously. But then I mostly do travel around to see people in their own homes, because it's easier - we can stay at theirs, they can't stay at Dad's, and sometimes I'll see more than one of that group of friends at once.
But I won't chase people any more to see them - they get a few weeks warning that we're coming, emails are sent out with updates, and if they don't make the effort to get in contact, then I don't chase them.
Because of this there are a few people I haven't seen for a few years now - but that's down to them. My time is limited, I don't have extra to try and force people to meet up if they haven't that much interest.

Head yeah I sympathise with the thing about getting into a routine over it whilst the DCs are at university - but I think there is often a fairly clear line about when it changes, and that's when it needs to in order to maintain the relationship. For instance, it wasn't all that long ago that we were at university and our visits resembled the popping-round-once-per-holiday thing (his DF wasn't his resident parent after the divorce so he didn't go back to live there during the breaks). But in the intervening years we've gotten married, set up a proper home not a student flat or shared house, and have discussed it like the grown ups that we are - we can't afford to visit in terms of time or money, and our disabilities and reliance on public transport make the journey really difficult. Plus we have a million other people who expect us to visit too. Unfortunately this has led to a situation in which the very occasional phone calls that DH gets from his DF ending with "well you're always welcome" "yes as are you" in a sort of sad stalemate.

Basically I just don't think it's as simple as the ones who move away have full and sole responsibility to visit. Certainly I'm really glad that my DPs don't view it that way, and we have a great relationship due to their willingness to visit us almost as often as we visit them, and meet in the middle when that's better for us. Which actually in turn makes us much more willing to make the effort to go to them!!

My father comes from the opposite end of the world-literally-to see us and even then becomes more often than you DH's family. YANBU

It's the rule apparently. When you leave you have to go back.
If you go rogue you return to the pack, the pack doesn't travel.

This really made me smile! Yes, that is the rule, but I didn't know about it until I moved away. Many of my family and friends live at the other end of this weird travel-dilation effect where it's easy, cheap and always convenient for me to get to them, but difficult, expensive and a Huge Big Deal for them to try to get to me...

orecchietti - agreed. I'd say that visits from parents post uni, as a rule of thumb, should begin with at least making the effort once a year if the children are in shared accommodation/unable to put them up (assuming that when the children visit the parents, they can sleep in a proper bed).

Then once they have a spare room/house of their own, just share equally unless there are other factors (health, activities at location etc)!

I've just had four weekends straight away from home (weddings etc, not visits as such), and there's so much more you can do if someone comes to you.

Unfortunately I don't think there is a clear line where it might need to change - perhaps in your head but not in the parents head.

I think people have to be mindful that by moving away they are making expectations on family to spend time and money visiting. Even if they are willing and able - it's a big ask for some people.
i wouldn't be able to drive those distances - even though I look quite competent and able.

This is my fabourite one - DH goes back to see his DF every now and again. However he never has once in 14 years taken the kids in his own.

It seems it's only possible if I go too.

This is largely down to him wanting to catch up with friends and go drinking (fine) he stays over at a mates house on the Saturday.

But it's my fault they don't get to see the kids!!! I should make the effort (accordingly to SIL who never once has visited here and spends her holiday time actually on holiday - but we should give up our holiday time to visit them)

Tut tut