Oh piss off

[JanineMelnitz]

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

Same here I have always gone back to visit my family .....no more I am happier not seeing them anyway....all they bloody well do is moan and I come away depressed....I always send birthday and christmas cards and presents .....we have 2 dogs.....they don't like dogs....tough shit I don't like them....my dogs win every time...their loss not mine...I am very happy

PIL always used to say - it's so much easier for you to come to us

I'm sure it is...for you!

Ugh, so much sympathy OP. Our situation is quite different to yours but my word it drives me potty.

We haven't had children yet, but we live about 4 hours from both my family, DH's mum (who was his resident parent and who we're both v close to), and DH's grandparents, aunts and uncles; and it's about 3 more hours to DH's dad and step-family. We don't have a car, so we're stuck on public transport which is also quite remarkably expensive, and we both in training at the moment so on quite low wages.

For the last 5 years we have schlepped to his dad's after Christmas, and every time we've tried to explain that time and cost means that it would be much better for us to meet at the extended family do that DH's grandparents have every year, and my god you'd think that we'd slapped them in the face. It wouldn't be so bad if his father had ever made any effort to see us otherwise, but he has not once taken us up on the offer of visiting us. In five years, two different homes and he's seen neither because he can't be arsed! I wouldn't be so bitter if he made even the effort to stay in touch but he doesn't - he just expects us to visit at Christmas having ignored us for the best part of a year. It's almost as though he's stuck 15 years in the past and thinks that he still has a custody arrangement in place that says he gets two days at Christmas!

Be honest with your other half and make clear how much rage it causes you. I had to properly lose my temper to get DH to see how much it bothered me, and now for the first time in years we've already agreed we're not going this year which feels wonderful.

I actually said once I would go there 10 times for every one time someone came to see us....(that didn't work)

I said for every 3 visit I they could come to us for one. Well that was 3 years ago and mil has visited 2, but not on her own steam.

Thin is ive got quite used to not going there now, I dug my heels in and was throughly pissed off after one visit that I told myself not again, not until she's made the effort.

It's a bit awkward now, and I feel a bit guilty, and i wish I had sat her down and told her how us always visiting her made me feel. Still I haven't and I won't and I will just keep waiting for her to make 1 visit on her own beige I go to hers.

PIL always used to say - it's so much easier for you to come to us

The bloody cheek of it!!!!

This xmas me and hubby and dogs will be having it by ourselves.....every year for 11 years we have had to go visiting everyone so not much of a break for us....sat listening to small talk conversation...eating when they want to eat....watching shit xmas tv that they want to watch....joining in with rubbish xmas games....sooooo looking forward to this year we have told everyone we are going away this year....we are going into hiding and will have the xmas we want....pure bliss

He is a Bunburyist!
see who knows what that means without googling

My XBIL & XSIL live an hour away but always expect me and my 4DC to go to them. The last time they came to us was just after DC2 was born (he'll be 13 in December).

I took the kids down there just before xmas last year and was told again, "you know where we are"... Erm yeah. You know where we are too. 😡

We haven't seen them since, which is a shame as the kids loved their cousins - one of whom goes to college about half an hour past ours on the way from theirs (so ours is an hour from them and carry on half an hour to get to the college).
Fuck 'em OP

yep, fuck em. dh is not helping either.

OP - I live 4,000 miles from my lot and still get this. You'd think if we'd flown over the Atlantic, rented a car, driven half way up the UK, that someone would say "Oh yes, I'll switch round my plans and see you on Weds night" but no, it's always "hmm, that's not really good for me, and the pub you suggest isn't my favorite, so let's do a different night in a different pub (that doesn't serve food so now DD has nothing to eat)".

The older I get, the less I like other people. I'm going to be a grumpy old woman who only talks to her cats.

"DH makes me feel unreasonable about it."
That is your one and only problem in my opinion.

I would probably rip him a new one, trying to make me feel bad when he needs to open his eyes and see that his precious family can't be arsed with him ("DH has tried to see her dozens of other times we have visited, always 'too busy'."). Or is mewling 'you're unreasonable, not them' his way of deliberately not seeing how shit his family are?

As for his family - it would be my pleasure never to see the lazy but-we're-so-close fakers again.

YA so NBU. Your DH is though, for texting you to try and make you feel crap.
Don't give in to it.
At least he's being reminded of WHY they're all crap with this story-telling of the hi-jinks weekend less than an hour away from you! Hopefully he'll get his head right and apologise to you for trying to guilt you.

And no, I wouldn't go either.

Pft.
We live 3000 miles from PIL.
They chose to move away.
I have visited his parents twice.
DH has visited his parents Zero times.
Guess who gets the grief?

Seriously though, my parents are dead. I wish we all had made the effort to visit when they were fit and healthy and not just in the last two years of their lives. You are not BU but sometimes you don't realise what you've got until it's gone.

FIL has never been here
DM came once 6 years ago
DSis came one 7 years ago
DSis2 has never been
DS3 comes once a year (yeah)

They'd much rather I drag 3 kids on a flight bus and train them another local train to sit round drinking tea and 'getting chips in'

My kids want to go to the cinema and shopping and dry slope skiing or the zoo!!

Also get the 'we aren't free on Saturday'

Well fuck off

I haven't been for over 3 years now.

Earlier in the year DH suggested we go there for a week for our summer holiday I ignored that.

PIL used to constantly tell me how lucky I was going to theirs rather than being at home and it was 'like a holiday' - sleeping on the floor and eating bad food, maybe like backpacking?

I made the effort when they were alive but I am done now, no one is thankful you have spent 7 hours in traffic to get there I find.

I wouldn't spent a few hours to visit people I really like in my old age

My brother actually said it's closer for you to come to me than me to you.

I do think however the onus is on the people who moved away to return to visit - your choice to move away otherwise your decision ends up costing other people in time and money which isn't fair.

My DN has moved a long way a away. There is no way on this earth we will get the money to ever travel to see her so I think if she wishes to maintain a relationship in person she has to fly to see us. It was her decision to move.

OP I sympathise. I live in a nice part of country so everyone talks about visiting but never comes. Then you see them checked in on FB 20 mins from where I live.

My DB has been to see me once in 9 years (and I paid for the train ticket) yet complains I don't see him often enough I normally visit every every 4-6 weeks!

YABU. Your DH has moved a long way from friends and family so it's only natural he wants to go and spend time with them to maintain that relationship.
If you don't want to go that's your choice. But don't make it all about you.
Yes, they're not your blood relations, but that doesn't mean that because he's with you he has to forget his family!

Fil is just like this. Desperate to see the DC and whinges we never take them to see him. He is retired and very active, travels all over the world, we work full time. He has not travelled the 150 miles to see us in 5 years. What really boils my piss though is that bil and family live in Switzerland and he goes there frequently.

We barely have anything to do with him anymore as his actions do not match his words.

I hope you told your DH to moan right back at them?

Coastal, have you actually read the OP's posts? She's not complaining about her husband visiting his relatives. She's complaining that they moan because he doesn't go more often whilst they refuse to make the effort to go and see him.

YANBU

DHs family live an 8 hour drive away and in the 20 years we have been married none of his family have ever visited us. I have watched 6 nephew and nieces grow up who have never set foot in my home. We live in a hugely popular tourist destination (in a part of the country they all originally came from and, judging by Facebook posts, would love to live there again) and they live somewhere incredibly industrial area but apparently the motorway only goes in one direction.

ive decided to put me first and I'm never going to visit again.

Does anyone get constantly asked (after 20 years!), "when are you moving back?" or "when are you moving back home?"

DH family constantly ask this....it's not 'back' or 'home' for me! I've never lived there, it's 200 miles from where I'm from and 300 miles from where we live!

YANBU OP. I have something similar with my DH's family too, and it drives me a bit potty. We have a toddler and a baby, so leaving the house is a PITA sometimes, but it always seems to have to be us that goes to them. PIL's have commented before that we live too far away (it's literally about 45 - 50 mins by car, not exactly the other end of the country)! MIL has only been over once this year (and PIL couldn't even be bothered to come with her) but we go to them once every week or two normally. FIL is fully retired, MIL is partly retired and only works part-time, and they both have cars and manage to go on holiday (including long-haul) 3-4 times a year but apparently a 45 minute drive to see their son, DIL and grand-daughters every now and then is just too much effort.

That should say in the bracket (and FIL couldn't even be bothered to come with her)!