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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh piss off

165 replies

JanineMelnitz · 03/09/2017 22:08

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood Angry

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 04/09/2017 08:08

It's a common theme I think. My in laws only live five minutes away, and they never ever visit us, yet have the nerve to complain that they don't see enough of us.

BackInTheRoom · 04/09/2017 08:09

I sympathise with you OP. How about relatives living in the same town as you and hardly ever visiting?! 😕

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe · 04/09/2017 08:12

I have this too. We used to live in the same suburb as my mum. We've now moved a massive 20 minutes drive away. We've been here 18 months and she's been twice, and both times moaned about how far away it is.

Lovemusic33 · 04/09/2017 08:12

Yes, my family are similar but they live close by (most are 5-10 minutes away), no one visits us other than my DF who visits once a week.

Headofthehive55 · 04/09/2017 08:13

I think it's the moving away thing. You see it as a two way obligation to travel.
My DD plans to move three hours away next summer. I don't plan to visit her - she knows this - we have younger children who do activities at the weekends. We will love to see her when she visits! I think it's a mindset thing. I don't feel under any obligation to visit her.

notanotherNC · 04/09/2017 08:15

OP you could be me. My inlaws live as North in England and you could possible get and we are on the South Coast. They never come to see us. So now I refuse to go. Husband goes on his own. The kids don't want to go either so they never see them. Suits as fine. Husband is there now actually and it is so lovely. Not having to travel all that way to sit in their house for 3 days being bored then come home.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 04/09/2017 08:16

I started a similar thread a little while ago.
We have the same issue with my IL's, and live around 45 minutes away, door to door (they all live in the same town)

I feel bad for DH that they don't bother. They complain about not seeing us enough, or ask when we are going to move back down as they want DH to be near them. One set his siblings and their OH travel near to us for shopping! Do we get a visit? No!

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 08:18

Time to put your foot down and finally give up the resentment.

SouthernNorthernGirl · 04/09/2017 08:18

Head Can I ask why you won't visit your DD?

hiccupgirl · 04/09/2017 08:20

I have this too with in-laws.

20 years ago we moved to where we live now which is 3 hours drive from where in-laws had recently moved to, to be closer to DBIL and his young family. They couldn't drive to us because it was too far and not far on the young kids etc, etc.

When we then had our DS and the other children were late teens, it was fine for us to stick him in the car for hours because it was still too far for them to drive. Yet they manage to drive all over the country for things they like to do. So now, DH generally goes on his own with DS and I stay here. If we all go, we have to pay for a hotel if we don't want a really long day, and I resent the fact that in 20 yrs none of them have made the effort to come to us.

TriGirl007 · 04/09/2017 08:25

Yep we were expected to put two very small over excited baby& kid in the car EVERY Boxing Day and drive for 6hrs...after a few goes I put my foot down and said No, we need some time in our own home. We still visit but normally later in the xmas hols.

Castieldeansam · 04/09/2017 08:27

OP you are not alone. I go to see in-laws once a year, around christmas. MIL stopped coming to see us when she was told "no, you can't bring someone with you" (didn't mind when it was her granddaughter, it was when it was a stranger to us such as a "boyfriend" who she had only know a few weeks, or her other son, who is an alcoholic - not recovering!) What annoys me is that we get the "we don't see you very often" routine, and yet she will go see her alcoholic son, regularly, but won't stay on the train for 1 more hour to see us.
We also have to see random relatives too, even visit SIL ex husband and new wife(!!!!!).
FIL is brilliant, doesn't whinge we only go once a year, is just happy to see us.
They live in a beautiful area too, but we never get to see it, and had they not lived there, would probably go on holiday there!

Headofthehive55 · 04/09/2017 08:30

southern
I wouldn't feel confident driving that far (get anxiety driving)
I have other small children to look after and they have commitments with sport and activities.
I wouldn't be able to stay (small studio) so it would be a day trip on public transport.

AVY1 · 04/09/2017 08:31

YANBU

PILs live about an hour away (on a busy traffic day) but rarely come to us. Even if they are staying friends who live 10 minutes from us they don't come to see us. I think they see it as easier for us as DH is 'going home' to visit them but to come to us is a major event for them.

It actually really upsets DH as he feels when we're there that they turn into performance grandparents, showing DD off to extended family, neighbours, friends etc and then he has to listen to them completely not understanding who she is or what makes her tick. He's decided that from now on there'll be no more visits until they've been to us.

User843022 · 04/09/2017 08:31

If they complain they never see you, but cba to visit that is of course not on.

We have relatives who insist on travelling 5hrs to see us and the extended family, often making comments if they didn't make the effort no one else would and that is in fact true. I certainly wouldn't drive 5 hrs to see them and tbh it's a pita when they invite themselves up 3 times a year. We all inwardly groan at the announced visits.

'I live in a nice part of country so everyone talks about visiting but never comes. Then you see them checked in on FB 20 mins from where I live. '
Are you my cousin? Grin

Headofthehive55 · 04/09/2017 08:37

Don't forget that older people struggle with driving especially at night - and often in the day when it's busy.
I didn't realise the thing about eyes until mine started to go.

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 04/09/2017 08:40

YANBU op - I've lived thousands of miles away, or 10 mins up the road, and still, we're the ones expected to go visit (with the exception of my parents, and my PIL aren't able to do long journeys any more, so also understandably).

We've also had the complaints - why don't you visit more, why don't you call more, and luckily both DP and I realise that this goes both ways and don't stress about it. I think it might start to calm down now that the lead culprit has had kids and might start to realise what a hassle it is to load up two little ones for long journeys (or for short journeys to houses not used to kids)

orecchietti · 04/09/2017 08:41

"I think it's the moving away thing. You see it as a two way obligation to travel.
My DD plans to move three hours away next summer. I don't plan to visit her - she knows this - we have younger children who do activities at the weekends. We will love to see her when she visits! I think it's a mindset thing. I don't feel under any obligation to visit her."

Right. So if she can't afford the trip/can't get time off/also feels no obligation to visit, you'll be happy just not to see her? What about when your other kids are older so you don't have that excuse?

It's not about who is obligated to do that - it's about two different sets of adults mutually making the effort to maintain their relationship.

I think part of why I at least get so angry about this - it just shows how little DH actually means to FIL & co, that even if we can only spare the time and money to go once a year they still don't bother even though they're wealthy and have literally all of summer off. It's not about obligation, it's more that they should want to.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/09/2017 08:44

When my parents were still alive and when MIL was still fit and able they came to visit. It is the siblings who cba.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/09/2017 08:45

Headofthehive55 Hmm

Daydreamerbynight · 04/09/2017 08:49

'Obligated' Confused

Headofthehive55 · 04/09/2017 08:56

lonicera
I have a life threatening illness - I don't really plan that far ahead!

Of course I feel sad, but I have other children to be with and spend time with. There is only so much time I have to dole out!

i haven't got that much spare capacity (time, energy) for visiting.

That's the thing when family members move away - it's their decision, of course, but you should expect other people to accomodate your life choices as they may not feel able to.

thecatsthecats · 04/09/2017 09:08

I come from a very lovely part of the country originally, so I can sort of understand that my parents PREFER me to visit them - we're active and outdoorsy, which Birmingham is not. However, they also whinge that my brother never visits (he lives in Brum too), but the travel weighting is equal - us two here, them there. I had a minor epiphany thinking that if they missed us they could bloody well make the trip! It took me a while to get there because I do love going home, and it looks like I'm unlikely to make it until Christmas.

I have friends scattered to the four corners of the country though, and it's hard work doing my fair share of visits. On the plus side, it makes it much easier to ditch (non-family) people who aren't making a reciprocal effort.

Also I can newly enjoy being 40m from PILs, instead of 25m. Suddenly it's a lot more justifiable to insist they come to us, and oops, they'll want to leave early to see to the dog. Unlike when we visit them and I'm driving, not drinking, I certainly won't be putting pressure on them to hang around :D

orecchietti · 04/09/2017 09:08

Do you think perhaps hive that your situation (young kids, poor health etc) is a bit different to the situation of most of our parents/PILs otherwise we probably wouldn't be moaning about them?

Were you in perfect health and with all children flown the nest would you feel more happy to share the responsibility to travel to maintain a relationship with your DCs, or would you still expect them and only them to make the effort?

diddl · 04/09/2017 09:11

You should be telling him to piss off with his guilt tripping & moaning!

And if all they do is moan at him when he visits-why does he bother??

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