Oh piss off

[JanineMelnitz]

DH has gone to his hometown for the weekend - he's not back until tomorrow night (went Friday night - it's a 4.5 drive if no stops/traffic)

DC and I haven't gone. It's first day of term for me and DC tomorrow.

He's gone to see a poorly relative - or rather one that was poorly and is better, mostly as he feels guilty. He is from a MASSIVE family, dozens of cousins, aunties etc - they all live in same city (apart from one of his brothers who is abroad).

In 25 years of visiting home town I have only seen relatives at social events or if we have gone to their houses - it means I have hardly seen relatives- when it was suggested they would come to see us at DHs parents it was too much trouble - why didn't we go to see them blah blah.

NO ONE has ever been to see us. DHs parents came rarely (too far), his brother and family came once (too far as well apparently - but would go on holiday further).

I think one year we went up 10 times - I still used to get the comments of 'we hardly see you' etc. Apparently when we go there is a magic tunnel and I get endless holiday from work.

Since PILs died I VOWED I wouldn't visit - or rather I will go there when someone comes to see us.
Especially since I have found out numerous members of his family have been to places on holiday near us (we live near places popular for holidays)
DH says 'you can't expect them to give to their holiday time' yes I bloody can

Anyway, I digress. DH has gone to a pub frequented by many of his relatives and they've all had a massive moan at him about how often he goes up (he has been on his own as he has a friend to stay with - if we all went it would be a hotel anyway).
And how me and DC don't go up and how they are all so desperate to see them ....

He feels terrible - has rang me and complained we all should have gone.
AIBU for me to tell him to tell them to piss off...

I'm ranting and I am in a bad mood

I know it's his family but someone could make a small amount of effort.
I was made to take a 3 week baby there as it was 'too far for them to come see us' (DH has since apologised and realised it was a crap thing for us to do).

My mother has never visited us and we have lived in the same house for thirty years and the in-laws have visited maybe 12 times, brother-in-law, ten times, BIL & SIL once when their team were in a cup final, sister twice and other sister 15 times. We are always expected to go to them, so consequently they don't have a close relationship with our children. We visited them every holiday until about five years ago, when the children complained about not having anything to do or anywhere to go. Their loss, really.

My ILs are in Canada. We visited 4 times within 6 years when our oldest was little. We get a lot of hinting and guilting about not having been for about 7 years. They are all welcome here at any time. It is more expensive for us to travel (there are now 5 of us) than any of my ILs and we earn the least.....

I would take the moral high ground but at the same time still be pleasant, next time they say you need to come up just say 'we're very busy with school etc at the moment, but your more than welcome to come and stay any time'
Turn it round on them, they won't know what to say.
If they say 'oh it's too far' just say 'I think the journey is pretty far for the kids too'
Kill them with kindess so to speak. IF they're like that then it's probably best that they live so far away

it could be worse... you could live in their city and have to see them on a regular basis...

all agreed Demander is right :-)
and next time they complain yes, tell the complainers to piss off.

Though in fact if husband's still there you have the excuse to put some of your points in an email in a kind of 'hi love, I've been thinking...' maybe seeing it in black and white with no emotion will make him see the reality of the situation. I don't have family in law because I'm smug single ;-) good luck!

We had this too!! Used to see relatives, always us going up, 200 mile round trip. Other way round 'oh but it's too far, I hate the journey'.

One time at Christmas we were so broke, DH and I both working all over christmas. We had xmas day and Boxing Day off, we were expected to come up Boxing Day.

As we were leaving, DH's sister let it slip they were down our way the next day to see Aunt (lives ten minutes from us).

DH was livid. They had 2 weeks off at Christmas, we had 2 days, and one day was spent driving to them!

After that we stopped visits. Said they could visit us. Haven't seen them since.

Stick to your guns OP. They need to make an effort too.

Just level with dh in the nicest possible way. You will see them every other year with his family coming to see you alternate years. They probably won't do it, so you have nothing to worry about. It is a compromise. If they care they will come, if they don't they won't.
We have the same dynamic and it is a pain, you are in the driving seat so remember that

Yeah don't bother with them if DH wants to thats his choice. Moaning about them is good sport though!

You could let slip a rumour to them that you and your DH have won the lottery. See if they want to come to you then!

Demander,

Spot on. Absolutely spot on.

That is why DP and I do not visit his relatives up country anymore. We have no young kids now and they can choose to visit the up country family if they want to now. We gave it up a few years ago.

Never ever had a visit from them, but we were always expected to trek halfway up a mountain track, following a four hour journey every time, in all weathers, and whether we liked it or not.

But you see DP left the farm and made his own way in the city away from them all. Hmmmm.

My FIL never visited us in the 20 plus years we lived in the last house, now we have moved so far away we really can't visit. I don't feel sorry for him as he just couldn't be bothered when we lived nearer. Just to say I understand how you feel; look after yourself and your DC. It isn't worth you 2 getting upset, they are losing out not you.

I think lots of people really don't see how unreasonable they are being in expecting others to be inconvenienced/out of pocket, instead of themselves.

One of my sisters is like this: she moved to Dubai 9 years ago and keeps trying to get our parents, me and other sis to go out for Christmas (saying she doesn't have the money to come home, it's so nice there at Christmas, it takes ages for her to travel etc etc). Yes, our parents are retired so time not an issue for them and money not a massive issue. Money definitely an issue for me at the moment and time/illness for my youngest sister. We all went out there her first Christmas, I visited at least once a year until last year (not at Christmas and by myself so could stay with her), parents and sister have been a few times. We have all met up for holidays somewhere roughly half way between us 3 times, including 1 Christmas. Parents have often paid for her ticket home at Christmas.

She can't get over the inconvenience to her of travelling home, but it would cost so much for all 4 of us to fly out and pay hotel rooms and food (she stays with my parents + youngest sister when she comes here, and I travel 2 hrs to parents to stay there too when she's home, so no cost). She is well paid, but just doesn't prioritise trips to see family compared to expensive electronics and home furnishings. She also has very generous holidays, so the time complaint is a smokescreen. I think she's counting on mum not being able to bear the thought of us not being together at Christmas, so giving in and paying for her ticket and treating her like she's doing something amazing by coming home to see (ill) family .

I thought when I started reading this thread that it might make me feel a bit less angry at my sister. Some of these stories are shocking and far worse than mine, but in a way it just makes me even more annoyed because how can these people be so bloody inconsiderate of others?!!!

It's not just iLs who pull this kind of thing.

I moved to London in the late '90s, from a town less than 40 miles away. My parents have visited 3 times since. They are now sadly (particularly my DF) pretty cronky and incapable. However, for the first 10 years, there was no physical reason preventing them. Indeed, my DF would quite often wang on about where he'd been to do his hobby that was actually a lot further return journey via the M25 than my house was. They made endless excuses, until I realised that they were only interested in seeing me to the extent that it was me making the effort. Even then, they'd quite often put me off, "Oh, we're coming back from Cornwall the weekend before(!!)", "The house is a bit messy,".

They have a DGC they haven't seen since Xmas. I made arrangements to come up with her and DP, then found out pretty much by chance my DF had decided to go out with friends instead . (I wouldn't mind so much, except that when I wanted to see my DPs during a fairly crisis situation I was having a few years back, I got a lecture on how I shouldn't possibly expect him to miss the meeting of his hobby my visit clashed with.)

They have always tended to trot out crap excuses for how it's Just. Not. Possible. to do things their DC (in particular me) wanted to do. For the sake of my mental health, I've become better about accepting that they have just never been that interested.

It's a crock of crap about it being the duty of the person who moved away to do all the running. Firstly, because without movement you end up with inbreeding. Secondly, because people most often move towns for work--are they really supposed to stay put and un(der)employed for the sake of their family? In the case of my DPs, they don't even like their town much, and certainly didn't like me living with them for as long as I did.

This sounds like my late DF's family. They lived in London and couldn't understand why anyone didn't live in London. Couldn't understand why my DF (who was an academic) didn't earn as much as his brother who were business men. If we had lived in London we would have been in a tiny flat, whereas outside London in the university city my DF worked in we could have a 5 bedroom house with a lovely garden.

My GM thought anything further than the M25 was a wilderness. Even the idea of leaving London seemed to make her feel ill. Yet it was 'easy' for us to visit London!

thing is the rellies do manage to visit close by when it suits. they just cba to make the short detour to visit. everything has to be on their terms, and the op completely inconvenienced.

If feels he wants to or has to see his family- let him. You didn't have to go. You don't have to worry about it.

Your logic clearly wins, OP.

My brother has not been to visit me in over 10 years. He lives 400 miles away. I've had DS since then and still no visit, despite having spent 4 days at a sporting tournament in the next town over (8 miles away). I used to go back to visit my family every few months but I've completely stopped - my mum comes to see us if she wants to but I'm not wasting money on flights and parking only to be traipsed round the countryside like a travelling circus for the duration of our visit (all my friends bar one moved away too), if they don't care that they don't see us, then we don't care either!

His family are wrong to put a guilt trip on him and you're right not to want to do all the running, especially with kids.

When I had my 3rd baby 14 months ago, I told my family, who all live a few hundred miles away in different directions, that I wouldn't be able to do any overnight stays for a while. My youngest 2 are 18 months apart and I just thought it would be a bit much. I always made the effort before that.

I was lucky, well if you count being bombarded by family lucky! I can't keep them away! I've had several visits from my brothers and families and my mum and a couple of close friends who live away too. I think I've seen them more now I've said that! Maybe they panicked

Tell them top shove it. Anyone who wants to see the kids knows where they are!

Tell him there's nothing stopping him from taking the DC to see his relatives; you don't have to go, too, if he really is so keen for them to see them.

You are not being unreasonable. He just doesn't want the work that goes with visiting his relatives with the DC without you to do the heavy lifting, I imagine.

Yep. Same situation here. They can all piss right off!!!!

YANBU, I would be v upset in your shoes OP. All it would take from them is a call to say we are visiting X attraction 30 mins from you on Sunday, fancy meeting for lunch or we can swing by for a cuppa afterwards? Even if you have other plans then you know they give a shit and tried to make the effort. After many years of this I would give up too, DH may feel the pull of family ties making him persevere but he should understand where you are coming from.

My SIL (lives in different country)said to me that she been once to my town (a tourist destination) and they have no reason to come again. I tend to go back to my country once a year and she expects I fit into her plans.... tolerated this for years, not anymore......

Now your PILs aren't around anymore I think my solution would be to never see them again ever, therefore presenting no further opportunities for them to moan at any of you ever again.

I've had this too.

This is your standard, cheery reply: "It's the same distance both ways!" And repeat.

My mum doesn't visit us. She's about 3 hours in the car with no hold ups. She expects me to drive to her. The kids always argue in the car and I find it stressful. She doesn't drive which is why she won't come to us. But she can get here by coach. Yes it's a few changes by coach but I figure she can just sit and watch the world go by. But she still won't visit. Also we can put her up but she can't put us up. Another reason t come to us. But there's no telling her. 😂