Please help settle an argument with Dsis - she thinks I'm being unfair to my dc

[Livella13]

Please can you help me settle an argument with my sister. I have 2 dc and work condensed hours. When I finish work I have the sole care of both children. I also spend both Saturday and Sunday with them. AIBU to want to go out with friends one night per week (therefore missing their bedtime and leaving my husband to put the kids to bed).

Our dad is also terminally ill so I also often miss another bedtime either picking him from the hospital or spending an evening with him without the distraction of the kids. Again my husband puts the children to bed.

My sister thinks I am being unreasonable to miss two bedtimes per week. That at age 4 and 6 the kids should have their mummy to do it and they need this to make them feel secure. I, on the other hand feel I need a bit of a life sometimes. Some regular grown up time away from them provides a much needed break. And a potential 2 evenings per week when their dad puts them to bed is not a problem. My sister knows I'm posting this and I've agreed to show her your responses. Please can you let me know who you think is being unreasonable. I 100% think I am in the right, she 100% thinks she is!

YANBU. I miss one bedtime a week. DH misses 2-3. We both spend plenty of quality time with our children outside of bedtimes!

Tell your sister the 1950's called and she should fuck off back there.

Has she never missed anything with her DCs?

I used to miss 3 bedtimes when I worked evenings. Dh was perfectly capable of putting them to bed.

Me and oh split the bedtimes one week he does 4 I do 3 and the next I do 4 and he does 3. It's a partnership.

She's crazy!!

What's the point in them.having a dad of you have to do everything anyway

2 bedtime is nothing I work evenings im.always missing bedtime.

I can't fathom why she would think this is unfair.

Yanbu. One parent should be enough.

She is being unreasonable because if you and your DH are happy with this arrangement then that is all that matters

And yes everyone needs time out of their relationship and their kids.

I am probably not around for bedtime 2 nights a week since my kid was 6 months old and I see no scars

And does she expect that your husband does less than his fair share of parenting?

I miss 2 bedtimes a week DH misses one for the youngest and we will occasionally miss others. Kids don't mind and are happy with either of us putting them to bed

Wtf? They're with their other parent, not left on their own! I think it's good for both parents to be able to handle bedtime alone.

SIBU and sexist to think children can't possibly be put to bed by their father!

You are 100 in the right. DH is just as capable at doing bedtime as me. Sometimes I work late and he does it (and vice versa) . Sometimes one of us does an activity and the other one does it alone. No great shakes. I am sure my children feel secure and loved.

YANBU your children have another parent.
Why is it only you who are expected (by Sis) to give up time for yourself?
Why doesn't she think their dad is as valid a parent as you are?

YANBU

In fact, far from it. I think more women should be going and doing things instead of sitting around whining about how they never see their friends because the world would fall apart if mummy didnt do everythimg (because obviously daddy can't anywhere near as good job as mummy in their eyes )

Keep doing what you're doing OP. We need more women like you.

Your DC your choice, your DSIS should mind her own business (though for what it's worth I wouldn't miss that many bedtimes so do agree with her, not because it should be mothers that do bedtimes, more that I wouldn't want to miss them)

@SootSprite brilliant

She does not have dc. I did actually point out that we were no longer in the 1950's but she was adamant that all mummies would want to be with their children at bedtime and my attitude of needing a night off per week is because of my own mindset and that I am labelling the kids as "work" so this is what they have become. To clarify I do think they can be very hard work! Don't get me wrong we do have some lovely times together and I enjoy them but it's far from relaxation or "me time" so in this way she is right. My mindset is that the kids are work in a way.

I am a single parent and spend 100% of the time in hols and after school with son so do all the bedtimes yet I think it's HEALTHIER for children to have some variety. Plus it's their dad doing bedtime not a stranger - perfectly OK and right.
Sorry to hear about your dad - think it's lovely you get some time with him and it's very healthy to have some time for you - I don't get enough and it's made me ill at times.
You are 100% in the right

'Isnt'

Should is a strong word. Presumably if you don't live with a mum you never go to bed.
There's no flaming should about it! I leave before my son gets up every morning but the time we are together is precious (and a lot cause I'm often home to pick from school).
It's quality not quantity.
And presumably you will know if your kids are unhappy and can makes changes then.
No mother SHOULD do anything

I agree with you. I just don't see what is wrong with your husband doing some bedtimes or why it is so vital that you are the one to do it every night. Why does your sister think your husband cannot offer security to them as well as you can? It sounds like you spend plenty of time with your children and have a lot on your plate, so I really don't understand her reasoning.

She does not have dc

And there we have the answer.

I'm more interested in why you give any credence to her opinion.

Unless you're breastfeeding them when you put them to bed there is no reason why the dad can't do it !?

Ignore me pointlessly correcting myself

Me and DH take it in turns to do bedtimes, have done ever since DC1 was 6mo and I wanted her to not feed to sleep.

Never miss a bedtime? Fuck that for a bag of chips! I'd go crazy if I was tied to the house every evening until they leave home!