Please help settle an argument with Dsis - she thinks I'm being unfair to my dc

[Livella13]

Please can you help me settle an argument with my sister. I have 2 dc and work condensed hours. When I finish work I have the sole care of both children. I also spend both Saturday and Sunday with them. AIBU to want to go out with friends one night per week (therefore missing their bedtime and leaving my husband to put the kids to bed).

Our dad is also terminally ill so I also often miss another bedtime either picking him from the hospital or spending an evening with him without the distraction of the kids. Again my husband puts the children to bed.

My sister thinks I am being unreasonable to miss two bedtimes per week. That at age 4 and 6 the kids should have their mummy to do it and they need this to make them feel secure. I, on the other hand feel I need a bit of a life sometimes. Some regular grown up time away from them provides a much needed break. And a potential 2 evenings per week when their dad puts them to bed is not a problem. My sister knows I'm posting this and I've agreed to show her your responses. Please can you let me know who you think is being unreasonable. I 100% think I am in the right, she 100% thinks she is!

If you are always the only one to do bedtimes then they will be really unsettled if you are ever too poorly or called away for an emergency. In both of those cases they will need the extra comfort of being used to their father also doing bedtime.
It's not like you're leaving them with a pile of snacks and the TV and hoping they eventually drop off to sleep!

If anything I would say that it is better for them if daddy also spends time with them. Not sure I would opt not to spend time with cgildrento go out though. I mean why? I get spending time with family though.

Oh you are going to have such fun if she has children. Now you never have to take hers overnight.

You definitely deserve a break - and one of the bedtimes you miss is not even a break, but to care for your father. Your children are perfectly secure being put to bed by their father. You are completely and utterly and100% reasonable.

Not sure I would opt not to spend time with cgildrento go out though

You never go out without your children?
I miss bedtime one night a week to go to a Pilates class, which I enjoy and is over bedtime.

I really love doing it and I think it's such a short time you put them to bed that I wouldn't want to miss it as one day they won't need me to put them to bed, but it is each to their own I don't think you are wrong missing two nights per week it's personal Choice.

Guilt is something we feel.

You are entitled to make your own decision and live your life. Your sister well she can live hers and keep her own thoughts inside her own head. You don't need that, you need a night out.

1 NONE of her business!

2 she doesn't know what she's talking about (agreeing with the teacher as a former nanny and childminder - caring for children IS hard work)

3 she needs to learn to keep her opinion to herself when on matters she knows NOTHING about.

She'd have a field day with me or would have 13 years ago. I was a single mum and full time student when my dd was aged 2-5. My best friend - her best friends mum - regularly collected her from nursery, had her overnight if I was chasing a deadline or having a night out and I had her kids once a month for a long weekend when she visited her long distance boyfriend (now husband and their adored stepfather).

My dd still has a v strong relationship not just with me but with my friend - her favourite 'aunty' and 'cousins' and I am still adored by her children.

Children benefit from a variety of good adult role models.

I don't really get this thing about bedtimes being some sacred time with your children. Yeah, sometimes it's stories and snuggles. Sometimes they're being grumpy overtired little shits and you just want the whole thing done as fast as possible so you can get yourself downstairs with a glass of wine and a boxset.

wait til she has children of her own and is begging you to take them for a sleepover so she can get out

Children have two parents who have equal responsibility for them. It's fine for either of them to put them to bed.

For the record it's also fine for other family members, a paid nanny/ childminder/babysitter to put children to bed.

She needs to shut up and mind her own business.

You are 100% NBU.

Save this for when she does have kids to remind her what a complete twat she was.

I sometimes miss 4 a week while at work on nightshift. DH manages fine without breasts to provide them comfort and settle them to sleep. Mine are 8, 5 and 3.

The sharing of bed time, parental care and comfort providing helped the older two emotionally when I had to spend months in hospital prior to dc3's birth.

Of course you need downtime too and social time your dsis has no idea. YANBU.

Your sister is mad. Missing 2/7 is nothing; that means you are there 5/7. I often miss 4/7 and often have to work for an additional night (but at home). My kids still see me!

She doesn't have kids therefore is simply perpetuating the myth that all mothers are insanely in love with their children and cease to exist as separate brings post having them! She is being totally unreasonable.

It's really important that you get some time away from the kids on a regular basis if possible. They ARE work and being an untie gives you no real idea of what hard workout is being responsible and on duty 24/7.

Wish I got out on my own even once a month! Make the most of it and re-charge your mummy batteries!

Auntie not untie!

Your DSis is an idiot. She'll be one of those martyr mothers who decide they can't have a life once they have children.

Tell her she can worry about her own DC when she has them.

You are entitled to a few nights off, you're a person too, not just "mum" and I'm sure your DC won't be emotionally scarred for life by Dad putting them to bed.

Ignore her OP. It sounds like you have a great balance.

i'd LOVE to see how your sister feels when she has kids....

yanbu, and i feel like being very cross with your sister.

She does not have dc.
Really! How on earth does she think she knows better then you? She's also insulting your DH in a way, by suggesting he shouldn't be putting the kids to bed ever by himself.

I should start making a list of random pronouncements on how she should parent if she's likely to have DCs at some point .

Your sister has a very idealised view of bedtimes OP. Yes, sometimes it's lovely but sometimes it's hell on earth and it takes everything you've got to get through it without losing the plot, especially when they are very little.

It's incredibly important that they see their Dad as an equally capable and loving parent and I agree that it's better that they don't have to rely on one person to put them to bed. You are not being unreasonable at all and yes this view that women should be with their children at all times to "make the most of those precious moments that are gone so soon" is sexist claptrap and it makes me mad. Personally I'm a far better parent when I have a break from time to time.

Whenever DH and I manage a rare night away (thanks to grandparents) we always always (whilst sitting in bar with glass of something) note the time and cackle with glee at thought of it being bedtime and us not having to do it.

I'm sorry about your Dad OP, take care of yourself

Absence make the heart grow fonder - I know I'm always fonder of my DC after they or a I have been absent for a bit!!!

Your sister is wrong

It is your life and you sound like you have enough to deal with so a night out and hubby puts them to med is no big deal...there are 7 nights in a week and so you miss 2 a week - ignore her what is her problem

I put mine to bed 2 nights a week as those nights DH isn't home till after 9pm, I dont work shift work or anything that stops me doing more just that DH likes to read to them. I've never given a second thought to it and kids are happy and well adjusted

I think it's really important their Dad does half the bedtimes if possible, or at the very least regularly. It's probably a good idea to have a trusted granny or friend who does it regularly too so if anything like a hospital stay was needed there was someone familiar. (If possible)

We take it in turns to do bed time. So I do 3 a week one week, 4 the next. I'm more often than not in the house but not necessarily.

I think your sister is nuts.