Please help settle an argument with Dsis - she thinks I'm being unfair to my dc

[Livella13]

Please can you help me settle an argument with my sister. I have 2 dc and work condensed hours. When I finish work I have the sole care of both children. I also spend both Saturday and Sunday with them. AIBU to want to go out with friends one night per week (therefore missing their bedtime and leaving my husband to put the kids to bed).

Our dad is also terminally ill so I also often miss another bedtime either picking him from the hospital or spending an evening with him without the distraction of the kids. Again my husband puts the children to bed.

My sister thinks I am being unreasonable to miss two bedtimes per week. That at age 4 and 6 the kids should have their mummy to do it and they need this to make them feel secure. I, on the other hand feel I need a bit of a life sometimes. Some regular grown up time away from them provides a much needed break. And a potential 2 evenings per week when their dad puts them to bed is not a problem. My sister knows I'm posting this and I've agreed to show her your responses. Please can you let me know who you think is being unreasonable. I 100% think I am in the right, she 100% thinks she is!

So to answer your q YANBU

I bet lots of people think that before having kids. Nothing really prepares you for how full on it is.

I despise the idea that becoming a parent ought to turn women - because it's only ever applied to mothers - into a shadow of who they are and used to be, with no vestige at all of independent thought, personality, wants, needs and whatnot. No. I do not agree, and my children benefit greatly from the fact that the whole of my personhood is not subsumed by the fact that I have had children. What a burden to place upon ones children.

Your sister is 100% wrong.

It's actually really healthy for your children to see their father as an active parent and partner in the household.

Having time alone with their Daddy strengthens their relationship.

You provide a good example to your children both by supporting your Dad when he's ill and by taking time to be Liv as well as just Mum.

Your sister owes you an apology.

YANBU kids are work, relentless work. I suggest your Dsis takes them for a weekend and see if she still thinks you don't need a break.

What an insult to the (presumably loving and capable) father of your children that she thinks they'll be damaged by being put to bed by him for less than a third of the week
This. It pisses me off when I see/hear women talking like their their DH/DP can't possibly manage as well as them. It's hugely patronising to all those amazing dads who are actively involved in parenting.

Other related symptoms of the same crap include saying that DH/DP 'helps' with the children or making stupid comments about dad 'babysitting'

Your sister is bonkers. hth

if she has kids in future you can remind her of this comment

I miss one night a week as I go out-not work related. And heaven forbid sometimes the babysitter puts them to bed (much better than we do) as I sometimes go out with my husband. He missed 1 or 2 a week. I hate bedtime as they are grumpy and whinge......

What is wrong with Dads doing bedtime? They are a parent too. I'm a SAHM and DP works nights, therefore when he isn't working he usually does bedtime so I can have a break and he can have some nice time with the kids, having cuddles and stories. Your sister sounds ridiculous. Without wishing to be upsetting, you could end up in hospital or be hit by a bus. It's good to know that if you're not around for any reason your DP is equally capable and can step in.

Your sister is ridiculous! My DH and I split bedtimes purely because we both like one on one time with our DD! So we each 'miss' a number each week.

Why on earth should bedtime be the preserve of the woman only?

Your sister is wrong.

Your children are being put to bed by their Dad. That's lovely for them that they have both parents doing bedtime on different days.

By keeping time for yourself, you become a happier person and by default a better mum.

Your sister can't know this yet as she's not a mum herself.

Wow, how old is she? That's like an attitude the mean old Irish nuns would have. Very strange mindset.

Your kids have two parents, both can equally put them to bed. It's not the mothers sole responsibility,

And yes, having children is work and no it doesn't remove your right to an adult life and a night out.

Even if she did have children she shouldn't be commenting. Ask her to unclench and pull her judgey pants out her arse.

I rarely do bedtime. I hate it. DH does it most nights.

I do 5/7 bedtimes a, week cos DH works nights. When he is home Dd1 is ecstatic for him to do bed time and banishes me completely. Could easily be out if not for baby dd2 it would make no difference at all its.daddys night xx

Your sister is being utterly ridiculous.

My DH does bedtimes when I work, twice a week. As he should because he's their father and is as perfectly capable as I am at being a parent. Because we are a team.

She does not have dc

And there we have it.

We take turns putting ours to bed. Works for us. In other news, your sister sounds weird thinking it has to be you doing it. What's all that about?

Wait till she has kids herself and remind her of this nonsense.

As everyone has pointed out, your sister is being absolutely ridiculous.

Apart from anything, it's completely right and appropriate that children should settle just as well and feel just as safe with their dad (or if there's no dad on the scene, then another adult they trust like a grandparent or whatever) as they do with their mum. If children are taught that ONLY mummy can put them to bed every night, that would surely affect their relationship with the other parent and also make it needlessly traumatic for them if their mum has to go away for any reason, such as a routine hospital stay or something? It's not fair on the child to make them entirely dependent on one person for comfort (unless there is no other option of course).

Mum one night, Dad the next. Not only did that help them to stay sane and love each other through the mad years of raising 3 kids, it also ensured we all developed great relationships with both parents!

This! You and your DH are both parents. Bedtime can be a lovely time to spend with your DC, stories, cuddles, bonding. Why should that just be for mums?!

Your sister is BU, and needs to butt out of your parenting decisions.

Your sister also seems to be implying that you shouldn't be spending that special time with your Dad, with her criticisms. Does she really think that you should forego supporting your poorly Dad so that your kids don't have the trauma of being put to bed by their perfectly capable and loving other parent? Has she thought this through or is she just spouting judgemental bollocks that she knows nothing about?

With their dad being there it's fine. They'll probably be even more secure having both parents do this stuff! What's it to do with your sister anyway!!

Livella's sister why don't you believe that Mr Livella is a suitable parent to put his own dc's to bed? Do you not believe that children benefit from a close and warm relationship with their father as well as their mother?

Your attitude to Mr Livella spending one to one time with his dcs is worrying. Is there more to this than we are reading?

'She does not have dc'

I think that is glaringly obvious!
You and your DH are a good team, and working together to raise your children.
Tell her she gets an opinion on child rearing when she's actually done some

Sounds like a bit more than just her opinion on your parenting. More like she thinks in general you are a bit selfish and put your needs before others. Totally a guess but is she perhaps doing more for your dad than you and just projecting what she really wants to say?

If you are always the only one to do bedtimes then they will be really unsettled if you are ever too poorly or called away for an emergency. In both of those cases they will need the extra comfort of being used to their father also doing bedtime.
It's not like you're leaving them with a pile of snacks and the TV and hoping they eventually drop off to sleep!