Please help settle an argument with Dsis - she thinks I'm being unfair to my dc

[Livella13]

Please can you help me settle an argument with my sister. I have 2 dc and work condensed hours. When I finish work I have the sole care of both children. I also spend both Saturday and Sunday with them. AIBU to want to go out with friends one night per week (therefore missing their bedtime and leaving my husband to put the kids to bed).

Our dad is also terminally ill so I also often miss another bedtime either picking him from the hospital or spending an evening with him without the distraction of the kids. Again my husband puts the children to bed.

My sister thinks I am being unreasonable to miss two bedtimes per week. That at age 4 and 6 the kids should have their mummy to do it and they need this to make them feel secure. I, on the other hand feel I need a bit of a life sometimes. Some regular grown up time away from them provides a much needed break. And a potential 2 evenings per week when their dad puts them to bed is not a problem. My sister knows I'm posting this and I've agreed to show her your responses. Please can you let me know who you think is being unreasonable. I 100% think I am in the right, she 100% thinks she is!

I don't think there is anything wrong with missing two bedtimes a week in the circumstances you describe. Does your sister have children?

Does she think their dad is incapable/ not their parent/ not as important to them as you?
Your sister is batshit crazy. Your kids will probably enjoy the fact both parents get involved in bedtimes and also will benefit from a happy less stressed mum who gets time off

I think your sister should mind her own business and worry about her own family, rather than yours that seems to be functioning perfectly well without her outdated ideas!

YANBU. Your sister is BVU. What an insult to the (presumably loving and capable) father of your children that she thinks they'll be damaged by being put to bed by him for less than a third of the week

She'd have a field day with me then! I work evening shifts and miss 3 bedtimes a week!

My husband is more than capable of doing his children's bedtime.

YANBU. I generally miss 2 bedtimes a week due to a variety of work, other commitments and occasional socialising and don't feel bad about it.

Also non-parents cannot comment on raising kids, no more than I can tell my DP how to be an engineer haha!

I only did bedtimes if DP wasn't in...

It's none of your Sister's business if you miss 7 out of 7 bedtimes each week. Cheeky thing.

Your DH is an equal parent with as much 'security' to offer them as you have, so there is no reason for you to be tied to them 24/7. I hate the idea that once you have DCs you have to be constantly around them for them to form a secure bond with you. It's patriarchy bullshit designed to keep women at home and in their place. For a woman to spout it to another woman is even worse, somehow.

Your children are loved, they are nurtured, they are safe. It would be madness to give up any free time away from them in order to satisfy someone else's ideal of what a mother should do. What happens if she takes umbrage when you say you're going to let them walk to school, or learn to drive? She can parent how she parents, you have to parent your children the way you know is best.

I'd be sending her opinions straight back to the 1950s where they belong, if I were you.

What complete and utter tosh, and so damaging. Makes me angry. WTF could possibly be bad about your husband taking an equal role in the raising of your children, and your children having the chance to build up closeness with their father??

They're with their dad, not Jimmy Saville

Ohhhh she doesn't have kids.

Yanbu - but your sister definitely is. How insulting to you DH that she clearly considers him such a poor second best in your DCs lives!

I'd be curious to know if she would think it a problem if your DH missed 2 bedtimes a week.

YANBU

She'd love me! I go out on the piss every so often with my mates and used to let my kids Stepdad put them to bed lol

I pointed out that DH is perfectly capable. I think her issue was more that I am being selfish in not actively wanting to be there every night and in fact want, need and look forward to a regular night without them. But they are safe and they are loved and that's all that matters really! Thanks all. Now I'll send her the thread link

I'm a SAHM, DH does 90% of bedtimes here, he is also so much better at doing it than me.

We play to our strengths.

Christ - she's an all knowing hypothetical parent, nothing in this world is more irritating. I'm fascinated to hear how she thinks shift workers/night workers children cope.

My parents used to go out once a week together for a date, leaving us with a babysitter. Every other night they would alternate who put us to bed - Mum one night, Dad the next. Not only did that help them to stay sane and love each other through the mad years of raising 3 kids, it also ensured we all developed great relationships with both parents! Now that DH and I have a LO of our own, I hope we'll be able to sustain a similar pattern.

Surely it's nice for their dad to strengthen his bond with them by doing the bedtimes a couple of times a week.

your both parents? why does it matter who puts kids to bed. when your both in the house do u both go up together??? fgs. its who they wake up to that matters more in my opinion.

I am labelling the kids as "work"

I am a Reception teacher. I spend all day every day around 26/27 4 and 5 year olds. I end most days brain-fried with absolute exhaustion. But my job is an absolute breeze in comparison to parenting my own two DCs.

There's a reason you have to pay nannies, childminders, nursery workers and teachers. The reason is that children are WORK. So she's right, you are labelling the children as work. And they are work. The fact that she is unable to see this means her opinion is based on some Enid Blyton fairytale nonsense she's imagining about motherhood. Which renders her opinion useless, really, because it's not based on real life.

Oh no kids lol. Strange opinion explained now.

Wait til she has kids and she's stripped the Babygro with shit to the neckline 3 times that day, mopped up the puke, watched 30 episodes of Peppa Pig, questioned how that damned pig is not called a bully and explained to your own kids that 'no, it's not ok to make George put his toys away all the time to make space for yours', cooked, cleaned, tried to work despite noticing the sick down your back as you glance in the mirror at work and knowing that whilst it's only 10.30 you have to finish the day in that blouse, read the same bloody story 50 times despite the entire shelf being full of lovely colourful DIFFERENT books.

I consider walking the bins out to the kerb time off for good behaviour!

DH puts both kids to bed most nights.

I’m on maternity leave so I’m with them both alllll day. I need the break and he loves it.

She isn't a parent, therefore is in no position to comment on this. We were all perfect parents before we became them!

Of course it's fine for a dad (or step dad) to put children to bed. She is being ridiculous. Mums are allowed a life too!