Please help settle an argument with Dsis - she thinks I'm being unfair to my dc

[Livella13]

Please can you help me settle an argument with my sister. I have 2 dc and work condensed hours. When I finish work I have the sole care of both children. I also spend both Saturday and Sunday with them. AIBU to want to go out with friends one night per week (therefore missing their bedtime and leaving my husband to put the kids to bed).

Our dad is also terminally ill so I also often miss another bedtime either picking him from the hospital or spending an evening with him without the distraction of the kids. Again my husband puts the children to bed.

My sister thinks I am being unreasonable to miss two bedtimes per week. That at age 4 and 6 the kids should have their mummy to do it and they need this to make them feel secure. I, on the other hand feel I need a bit of a life sometimes. Some regular grown up time away from them provides a much needed break. And a potential 2 evenings per week when their dad puts them to bed is not a problem. My sister knows I'm posting this and I've agreed to show her your responses. Please can you let me know who you think is being unreasonable. I 100% think I am in the right, she 100% thinks she is!

No, not unreasonable, you're doing your best to be a good mum, who nurtures, provides, keeps herself sane and is a loving daughter.
You're manynthings apart from a mother and beingnall thosevthings will likely make you a better mother.
You're also I decent sister. She appears to be lagging behind. Id I were you I'd tell her to fuck off, in fact gimme her number and I'll tell her

Why shouldn't Dad have the joy of bedtime? Where is it written that it is your job? I don't get her logic. The kids need to learn that their parents have a life outside being mummy and daddy, washing their clothes, cooking their dinner, dealing with school and the hundreds of other roles we do. The kids need daddy time. The kids will not be mentally scarred by an aunt, gp babysitter et al doing bedtime. She is entitled to her opinion but not entitled to foist that on you.

What's wrong with a dad doing some of the parenting???? I don't have children but I believe that if the children feel happy, loved and cared-for you're winning the battle. And I also think from my limited experience with other's children that they are very hard work, and I get to give them back after a few hours! If I did have children I hope it would be with a partner that takes on his share of the work. Is sister's fella a lazy lump by any chance?

Actually thinking about it some of the very occasional mum's nights out we had when DCs were in reception class/ year 1 were purposely timed to begin so as to miss bath & bedtime

Surely DH doing bedtimes is helping him create a bond with his DC's? Your children have two parents.

Who on earth put that idea in her head?

Children need someone to love them and put them to bed. It can be either parent, or anyone else they know and love, for example she could put them to bed for you.

Sometimes my DB and my SIL both went out together and I put my nieces to bed. They don't appear to be traumatised.

My DH does as many bedtimes as he can, work allowing. He says it's his favourite time of day, especially reading their bedtime books. I hide downstairs and drink wine restore a small amount of sanity to my head.

Your sisters view is very sexist, why should it be a mum and not a dad putting dc to bed and parenting children

So every night your kids are put to bed by a parent, sometimes their mum, sometimes their dad. No problem whatsoever here.

Your sister has come out with an example of moronic ancient sexist twonkery at its most stupid.

I think you should paint what she said on a canvas, and when her first child is a year old, hand it over to her.

By that point she will have sobbed at the loss of her freedom, have snarled a lullaby through gritted teeth 490 times for a teething baby, have not known what it is to not smell of stale milk, gone from horror to sad acceptance that the sexy young thing she used to see in the mirror has been replaced by a less foxy counterpart, have sat on a sofa too tired to take a child to bed, have fantasised about killing her partner after hearing "well there's no point in me going, it's you s/he wants" as their child screams like a murder victim because Mummy was too tired to go in a 48th time, and possibly, possibly, thought "I wish I didn't have to do fucking bedtime."

Write in the card "Happy Birthday dear neice/nephew, Mummy has promised to put you to bed every night until you turn 18, isn't that nice? Lots of love from Aunty Liv"

Your sister is being VVU, OP.

My DH used to put our 2 DC to bed 2-3 nights a week because I had to work.

Now at 20 and 16, they have a great relationship with us both.

If your DSis hasn't got kids herself, she hasn't got a dog in the race. Ignore her.

Enjoy your night out

She'd love me then. My boyfriend (not my children's dad) put one of my dc to bed tonight for me. He'd been at his dads since Friday, come home today and we played and had fun, but my elbow went (old injury that flares up when it gets cooler) and I struggled to lift him without being in pain. Lovely boyfriend (hate calling him that we're not teenagers lol) took dc to bed and settled him for me while my painkillers tried to work- so out of seven nights I've put dc to bed 4.
She really needs to experience parenthood herself before she comments, it's a long old slog and if your dh is about, why shouldn't he take some of the burden?!

Sorry about your dad, I hope he's not in pain and you're all managing. Scary being given that diagnosis, you're in limbo

She would be phoning social services about me then, I'm on maternity leave and DH put DS to bed tonight while I sat downstairs with a glass of wine.

Both DH and DS seemed quite happy with that arrangement.

They're being put to bed by a parent, what's the problem? And if it was also a grandparent, aunt, uncle or babysitter sometimes, what's the problem?

Actually I'd argue all the above options are good for the DCs, including staying over at GPs' etc houses occasionally from an early age, because having some variety within a close, well-known group of carers can help build confidence and resilience.

It also makes things much easier when a parent has to be absent for a bit, for work, through illness or caring responsibility as for you. There's no noticeable disruption for the DC.

So I think your dsis has the 'security' argument arse about face and should read up on child psychology instead of spouting made up nonsense.

I am labelling the kids as "work" so this is what they have become

Kids are work. Does she think think we live in an advert for baby powder?

Your DSis would be funny if these attitudes didn't make live so bloody difficult for other women. Does she take these assumptions to women she works with (or who, gods forbid, work for her) or does she keep her trips to the 1950s for you?

If Dh is home he puts them to bed - if not I do it. So Dh puts them to bed somewhere between 2 and 7 nights a week, depending on how busy he is.

When your sister has kids is she intending to do so with a anon donor or is she intending on depriving the other parent of any and all bonding and relationship building care giving all because she's the mum

They need their mummy to do it? Do they not have a perfectly competent daddy?

You aren't just their mummy, you need a bit of time to yourself. Unless you have children you don't understand how wearing the bedtime routine can be. I doubt there are many parents out there who never miss bedtime, except by necessity where they are the sole parent. Let's face it, bedtime is a chore. Elma the fucking Patchwork Elephant was very engaging the first 3 times but by the time Thursday rolls around I'm happy to let DP have a crack at it.

We take it in turns. To be completely honest, I hate bedtime and pretty much always have. Everyone is tired and DD strings it out as much as she possible can!

Before kids, I had the idea that bedtime was a tender, loving time. Hahaha! (Though I get a lot of kisses just as the light goes out, as I am just about to leave the room )

It's just occured to me that my friends' children have NEVER ONCE EVER been put to bed by Mum.

They don't have one, they have 2 dads.

I imagine that's going to proper shit up 1950s sister. It might be kinder not to tell her, she could get smothered by her own judgy pants.

Yanbu.
You will be a better parent for having a bit of your own space/life!! Your dc can feel perfectly 'secure' being put to bed by their df.

I can't really add much - everyone has said it for me. She's being utterly daft.

Hang on I'm confused. She thinks you are BU for missing TWO bedtime a week? Just 2? For goodness sake YANBU at all.

It's also not like they are being dumped left right and centre with any old Tom, Dick or Harry. They are with their dad! So still safe at home in their own beds etc with same times and routine.

Your DSis is definitely the unreasonable one here I'd say!

I think it's great that your DH does bedtimes. It's a bonding opportunity for him and I think it should happen in all families if possible. At 4 and 6 I had just started doing the odd overnight away with work - I missed them like mad, but DH developed his own brand of bedtime stories which they really enjoyed and they had their own perfectly good routine. Your Dsis is being a bit precious about this (this is me being charitable here)