Please help settle an argument with Dsis - she thinks I'm being unfair to my dc

[Livella13]

Please can you help me settle an argument with my sister. I have 2 dc and work condensed hours. When I finish work I have the sole care of both children. I also spend both Saturday and Sunday with them. AIBU to want to go out with friends one night per week (therefore missing their bedtime and leaving my husband to put the kids to bed).

Our dad is also terminally ill so I also often miss another bedtime either picking him from the hospital or spending an evening with him without the distraction of the kids. Again my husband puts the children to bed.

My sister thinks I am being unreasonable to miss two bedtimes per week. That at age 4 and 6 the kids should have their mummy to do it and they need this to make them feel secure. I, on the other hand feel I need a bit of a life sometimes. Some regular grown up time away from them provides a much needed break. And a potential 2 evenings per week when their dad puts them to bed is not a problem. My sister knows I'm posting this and I've agreed to show her your responses. Please can you let me know who you think is being unreasonable. I 100% think I am in the right, she 100% thinks she is!

Try being in the forces and missing 9 months of bed times this year. Bloody ridiculous. She's wrong. There is a damn sight more to parenting than bed time.

I'd have given my kidneys for two nights a week where my (now) ex h put the kids to bed. It's vital for dads and kids to know that mum isn't the only one who can do this stuff.

Your DSis is very much in the wrong!

Honestly, what nonsense! Of course YANBU, OP, it's good for the DCs to be put to bed by their dad. Your DSis isn't a parent herself so she does have a clue!!

My DH is perfectly capable of putting our DDs to bed and it's much better for them if we both play a part in looking after them.

Is she really saying that you shouldn't go out at all???

Your sister needs to get a grip and mind her own fucking business. They are being put to bed by their FATHER ffs, not some random babysitter. I would be furious with her over this obscene, misguided judgement concerning your mothering. Is she somehow trapped in the 1950s where the father isn't expected to do anything in regards to caring for his own children?

*Yesterday 20:15 MaisyPops

YANBU

In fact, far from it. I think more women should be going and doing things instead of sitting around whining about how they never see their friends because the world would fall apart if mummy didnt do everythimg (because obviously daddy can't anywhere near as good job as mummy in their eyes hmm)

Keep doing what you're doing OP. We need more women like you.*
This!!!!
One million billion trillion percent!!!

Your kids have two parents so 100% nothing wrong you going out or even staying downstairs and daddy doing bedtime

YANBU.

I work late shifts (12-8) and DH nearly always puts DS to bed.

Does this make me the worst parent ever

Before DD2 came along, DH and I alternated bedtime for DD1. I was only putting her to bed half the time. Then I got pregnant and pretty much immobile due to SPD so DH did all bedtimes. Now he's away so I do all bed times for both DD's.
Whatever works for your family! Personally I think it's good for children to get that time with both parents, the one to one while settling down helps the child to bond.

YANBU

Do you really need the internet to tell you that? If so, perhaps get some help in assertiveness with siblings

YANBU

Do you really need the internet to tell you that? If so, perhaps get some help in assertiveness with siblings

Yanbu

In fact, being a parent is more than being there for bedtime. If she ever has kids then god forbid.

It's also about being a role model to your children and showing them to be healthy adults, not just a slave to your dcs.

Oooh, I love a good consensus, me!

I hope you do show your DSis this thread. She's living in a dream world!

But then, she has time to dream. She hasN'T GOT ANY KIDS!

She does not have dc... she was adamant that all mummies would want to be with their children at bedtime and my attitude of needing a night off per week is because of my own mindset and that I am labelling the kids as "work" so this is what they have become

Ahahahahaha. The most annoying thing is that if your sister goes on to have kids herself, this conversation will magically erase itself from her mind so you won't be able to remind her what a title she was. Seriously, I know it's childish but if I were you, if she ever announced she was pregnant I wouldn't be thinking "congratulations" I would be thinking "just wait till your kid is like 23m old and has stopped napping and we'll see what bloody mindset you're bringing then"

I really hope that, if your sister does have children, she doesn't intend to push their father out of things like putting the children to bed. It would be so bad for their relationship.

I seeee. She's one of those perfect parents, who don't have children yet. And as we know all mothers should want to put their children to bed every single night without fail. Anything less and surely we're missing the maternal gene. Pfffft.

Pretty unanimous eh!

I miss at least one bedtime per week, and have done since dd2 was 3. It's absolutely fine.

Just smile and be safe in the knowledge that you know she's talking out her arse.

Op's sister, there is nothing more laughable than the idealistic parenting opinions of someone who doesn't have children. Parenting is not a Disney movie.

No hope for my DS then, or the child of any other shift worker who regularly miss bedtimes due to being at work? Strangely despite the many missed bedtimes DS still seems to be a secure, happy child.

Dh and I are both around for most bedtimes a week but we still split them. One puts the kids to sleep, the other tidies the house in the meantime. Sometimes I put them to sleep, sometimes it's DH. We do it differently, and I'm convinced the kids love both of our approaches. They would definitely miss their dad's bedtime routine if he suddenly handed it all over to me! And he would miss it too.

Not only is it not unfair on your kids to only harm you doing bed time, it is also unfair on your dh and the kids (provided he had the time to do it, I don't think kids suffer from either parent not being present at bed time if that's what the schedule is like, as long as there is enough quality time with both parents during the rest of the week).

She is being completely utterly and laughably unreasonable. Nothing quite like a non-parent to tell you how to do it properly