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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSIL abandoning DN at mine without asking

229 replies

charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:34

More of a WWYD really.....

So yesterday SIL turned up at 11.30 stating she was having issues with her dp and wanted a chat. She stayed til one when suddenly announced she was going to the pub for a couple of pints(?) But would be back later. I had nothing on yesterday was just pottering so said yeah that's fine. She took DN (11) with her. I popped to my mum's with my 3 DC (ds10 dd3 and ds2 3 months). Then had a call from her phone around half 2. It was DN stating he was bored at the pub could he come round. I said that's fine as DSiL was supposed to be coming back round to mine anyway.
2 hrs later I had made dinner so fed DN. No text etc to state where she was.DN then piped up that she had arranged to go with her DP to another friends house for a piss Up!

Long story short couldn't get hold of her all night DN who is iffy about staying out at the best of times wouldn't sleep or go to bed until midnight in case she came back. Had to move dd from her room to make space for the boys to sleep together. Dd was unsettled by DN crying and woke up, my sensitive DS is very upset for his cousin and none us us had a good sleep. It's now half past 8 and still not heard from her.
My DH is due to pick her up for work in 15mins although he feels like he should.bloody well leave her in bed.

So WWYD and how would you approach it? She has form for apparently forgetting she has kids (2 elder DN who now at university). I don't like confrontation but feel like she has royally taken the kids especially as she's gone out with DP who she was stating that she was going to leave just a few hours before!

OP posts:
zeebeedee · 03/09/2017 08:38

Why would he not pick her up for work? Allowing her a lie in to get over her hangover? She has responsibilities to her work as well as her kids, so get her up and working even if she is suffering, and be kind to your DN who sounds like he is having a hard time.

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:45

Yes regarding the hangover. He has gone to pick her up but whether she will be ready or in any fit state is another matter. Looks like I'll be looking after DN until she gets back from work too...

OP posts:
user1493759849 · 03/09/2017 08:46

I am with you OP. I think her behaviour is a disgrace and I would be telling her so too! Ask her why she thought it was OK to do what she did!

Her dumping her kids on you and then buzzing off out is outrageous!

I would literally fall out with someone over this. She is a very irresponsible parent!

FenceSitter01 · 03/09/2017 08:48

You brothers wife or your husbands sister?

Either way, deliver child back to his sober parent.

paq · 03/09/2017 08:51

YANBU to be pissed off, v poor behaviour from SIL.

But when I read your thread title I thought your nephew had been abandoned at an actual mine.

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:53

DH sister. Until I get a text off DH I won't know if she's home or at work. Her Dp may also be working (self employed) so can't just sent DN back I case house is empty. I'm mad cause I have plans with my 3 DC today which will have to be cancelled.

OP posts:
Saracen · 03/09/2017 08:56

Why hasn't your DN gone back to his dad now? Or is SIL's DP not his father and doesn't usually look after him while his mum works?

zeebeedee · 03/09/2017 08:59

Who would normally look after DN if his mum and her partner (is he DN's dad?) are at work on the weekend?

Can't he join in with your plans for today?

Saracen · 03/09/2017 08:59

Oh, I see. Sorry, cross posted.

But what would they normally be doing for childcare in this situation?

RandomMess · 03/09/2017 09:05

Where are your PIL?

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 09:08

Usually either takes him with her, leaves him in bed if it super early or Dp/DN friends watch him. (Cleaning job flexi hours) can't take him out with us as only have the 4 seat car as other in the garage (3dcs). Can't send him home if the house is empty. I don't mid having him as he us generally no problem but I feel she should have asked and a basic text or call to explain to her D'S would have helped him settle better

OP posts:
Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 09:09

Pil live roughly 350 miles away so no help there in afraid

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 09:17

Is she normally like this? Poor kid.

StarlitTrees · 03/09/2017 09:18

Your DH should have taken him with him when going to pick her up.
However lovely DN is, and although you don't mind him spending time with you, if you sit back and let this happen it will just continue/increase in frequency.
It isn't at all acceptable. He's not your responsibility. Can't believe these people who just abandon their kids and expect friends/family to just get on with it.

You don't need to have a go, just tell her it isn't acceptable and you don't appreciate the lack of respect she has for you that she would do this. Tell her your DN and your children were all upset at the situation and at the very least that's not fair or acceptable.

Neverknowing · 03/09/2017 09:21

That's so awful her poor DS. That's honestly such disgusting behaviour you can't just pretend you don't have kids for a bit.
Maybe take your DN with you to wherever you have planned to take your kids today? He must be feeling pretty shite, it's not his fault his mum's an arse Sad

Pouncival · 03/09/2017 09:24

I don't like confrontation

but if you don't say/do something then she will do it again!

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 09:37

Just this minute have had a text through.

So soz my phone died. DN said if he didn't come back he stay with you. Went out with friends. Xxx.

Really?! Poor DN didn't say anything if the sort. He's a shy kid who is very homesick and spent every hour last night asking for his mum and when she's be back! I'm so angry I don't know what to reply.

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 03/09/2017 09:38

That's absolutely dreadful. She's not even contrite in the cold light of day.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 03/09/2017 09:42

I have been through similar. Some people are inconsiderate and will never change. The best you can do.is he there for your DN so he's knows he always has reliable people in his life.

Pengggwn · 03/09/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 03/09/2017 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

13bastards · 03/09/2017 09:45

Poor DN probably knows this behaviour from her isn't right which has made his upset worse at 'being abandoned'

I can't believe people do this shit.

Maelstrop · 03/09/2017 09:46

Message back asking where you can drop DN as you have plans. Your DH needs to read her the riot act, it's his sister.

flumpybear · 03/09/2017 09:52

Wow your sisters message is worse still, essentially she didn't know where her 11 year old child was all night - I'd be livid!

Saracen · 03/09/2017 09:54

How about, "I think there was a terrible misunderstanding between you and DN. He thought he had to stay at ours, but I don't think he wanted to. He cried half the night. We love him very much and found this really upsetting.

Also, we've had to change our plans today as we couldn't fit him into the car. That was a problem for us. He's a lovely lad and we are happy to have him sometimes if he wants to come to our house, but it must be by prior arrangement so everyone knows what is happening. Please don't do this again."