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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSIL abandoning DN at mine without asking

229 replies

charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:34

More of a WWYD really.....

So yesterday SIL turned up at 11.30 stating she was having issues with her dp and wanted a chat. She stayed til one when suddenly announced she was going to the pub for a couple of pints(?) But would be back later. I had nothing on yesterday was just pottering so said yeah that's fine. She took DN (11) with her. I popped to my mum's with my 3 DC (ds10 dd3 and ds2 3 months). Then had a call from her phone around half 2. It was DN stating he was bored at the pub could he come round. I said that's fine as DSiL was supposed to be coming back round to mine anyway.
2 hrs later I had made dinner so fed DN. No text etc to state where she was.DN then piped up that she had arranged to go with her DP to another friends house for a piss Up!

Long story short couldn't get hold of her all night DN who is iffy about staying out at the best of times wouldn't sleep or go to bed until midnight in case she came back. Had to move dd from her room to make space for the boys to sleep together. Dd was unsettled by DN crying and woke up, my sensitive DS is very upset for his cousin and none us us had a good sleep. It's now half past 8 and still not heard from her.
My DH is due to pick her up for work in 15mins although he feels like he should.bloody well leave her in bed.

So WWYD and how would you approach it? She has form for apparently forgetting she has kids (2 elder DN who now at university). I don't like confrontation but feel like she has royally taken the kids especially as she's gone out with DP who she was stating that she was going to leave just a few hours before!

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 03/09/2017 11:53

Everyone needs to stop tip toeing around her.

Tell her that she is a shit and negligent mother and she has 1 month to buck the hell up or you will be contacting social services.

DamsonGin · 03/09/2017 11:54

Has she got a bit of an alcohol problem? Your DN sounds like he's getting fucked about like he's less important than a pint.

Maelstrop · 03/09/2017 11:58

Tell her your mum isn't happy and I'd also be fucking raging at your DH for thinking it's ok to go to the pub with her after yesterday! He needs to have your back. I take it sil is a big drinker? Please stand up to her and say no, make sure your DH is aware of what's going on. I can't believe her cheek!

DamsonGin · 03/09/2017 11:58

Actually, I'd be texting back that that's what she should be saying to her son.

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 11:59

Yes, I do believe she has a drinking problem. This is half the issue with her and her DP who has tried to help. Poor DN was also crying last night because he doesn't want her to leave DP. SIL has long history if introducing partners to her dc then things going wrong. Youngest DN has seen about 15 boyfriends in his 11 years. Latwst DP she is engaged to and has been with 2 years. No reply from DH yet..

OP posts:
pictish · 03/09/2017 11:59

Certainly not. Come and collect your child.

DamsonGin · 03/09/2017 12:00

(as in he deserves the sorry more than anyone)

AlternativeTentacle · 03/09/2017 12:02

Not that sorry then eh?

MadMags · 03/09/2017 12:04

Why are you waiting for a reply from spineless DH?

Text back:

"Are you joking? I'll drop him to your do."

And then do that!!!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/09/2017 12:05

Also text your DH and tell him to grow a bloody spine.

Doublemint · 03/09/2017 12:05

Sounds like she has. Drinkingproblem and is on the verge of neglecting DN.

Text reply idea:

"I will absolutely NOT be taking DN anywhere today.
Please come and collect your son at X time. Your behaviour is really worrying and concerning at the moment. Should we think about getting you some further formal support for arranging care for DN?"

That should fire a rocket up her arse.

Kittychatcat · 03/09/2017 12:07

You sound way too weak to deal with your SIL and your DH sounds useless too. Unless you want to be your DN's default childcare again, TELL SIL that she or DP has to come and collect her child now. You should phone MIL yourself to complain about being dumped on by both her children when you have a 3 month old baby to deal with. I think it's also worth calling SS as well as the NSPCC as she is emotionally abusing her son by her behaviour.

PollyFlint · 03/09/2017 12:08

Everything you've said suggests to me that your SIL is an alcoholic who is neglecting her son. If your husband now goes out drinking with her, he is a disgrace who is enabling both the alcoholism and the neglect.

This whole situation is incredibly sad. Who the hell goes out on the piss all night without telling her poor son what's going on and then isn't contactable? For all your poor nephew knew, his mum could have been dead in a ditch somewhere. No wonder he was anxious and didn't want to go to bed. This is borderline abuse.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2017 12:09

"You have got to be kidding right? No, I will not keep him. Come here, collect him, and start behaving like an adult"

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/09/2017 12:11

15 boyfriends hes met and hes only 11. Christ, this kid needs some serious support.

Queenofthestress · 03/09/2017 12:18

Just so you know, if he was taken into care they would look at interfamily fostering first

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 03/09/2017 12:26

Have you replied to her yet Op?

Karmapolicearrestthisman · 03/09/2017 12:26

She sounds like an alcoholic. Poor DN. Is she neglectful in other ways?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 12:35

Crikey. Poor kid. It sounds as if she needs SS involved. Right now you're all enabling her unfortunately.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 03/09/2017 12:40

"Are you joking? Not a fucking hope and you have some front to even think it"

People like her get away with shit like this because people like you allow her, stand up to her for your sake but more importantly for dn and your children who were disrupted too

namechangedforthisreply · 03/09/2017 12:43

OP absolutely not acceptable for your DP to support her "socialising" ie abandoning her son

LouHotel · 03/09/2017 12:50

I think this is a tough call because in the middle of this you have an 11 year old who is made to feel he is not wanted by his family.

Your SIL is absolutely taking the piss and i get the sense this is facilitated by your DH, he cant go drinking with her after knowing she's out you through the mill.

Do you love your nephew and have the means to be able to take him on full time? I

Armadillostoes · 03/09/2017 12:51

Her behaviour is horrible, but there is also the welfare of her poor son to consider. Why don't you ring her mother and talk to her? It sounds as though her brother is enabling her awful behaviour. Maybe a rocket from her Mum would make her think.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/09/2017 12:53

Can't believe she is intendign to go out drinking again... with your DH!

Is there an element of him facilitating this by sitting on the fence? Because if so that will be a factor in her utter brass neck AND the general denial of how bloody awful this is. ''Can't be that bad, DH is fine with me letting my hair down, charlie is a boring old fart about it though...'' etc.

You definitely need your DH to step up here and say no fucking way are you welcome drinking with me this afternoon - you think I'm merrily getting pissed with you after the way you've treated us and especially Charlie? While she's still looking after your child because you can't be arsed to parent?

Madwoman5 · 03/09/2017 12:54

There was no genuine mix up re dn otherwise she would not have ignored her phone all night. To then expect you to look after him all day whilst she tops up her alcohol is appalling. Tell your dh to tell her to go the fuck home and pick up HER child whom she has ignored since x time yesterday. He has to tell her that her behaviour stinks and she is clearly damaging her son and risks losing him if she doesn't shape up. Poor kid.