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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSIL abandoning DN at mine without asking

229 replies

charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:34

More of a WWYD really.....

So yesterday SIL turned up at 11.30 stating she was having issues with her dp and wanted a chat. She stayed til one when suddenly announced she was going to the pub for a couple of pints(?) But would be back later. I had nothing on yesterday was just pottering so said yeah that's fine. She took DN (11) with her. I popped to my mum's with my 3 DC (ds10 dd3 and ds2 3 months). Then had a call from her phone around half 2. It was DN stating he was bored at the pub could he come round. I said that's fine as DSiL was supposed to be coming back round to mine anyway.
2 hrs later I had made dinner so fed DN. No text etc to state where she was.DN then piped up that she had arranged to go with her DP to another friends house for a piss Up!

Long story short couldn't get hold of her all night DN who is iffy about staying out at the best of times wouldn't sleep or go to bed until midnight in case she came back. Had to move dd from her room to make space for the boys to sleep together. Dd was unsettled by DN crying and woke up, my sensitive DS is very upset for his cousin and none us us had a good sleep. It's now half past 8 and still not heard from her.
My DH is due to pick her up for work in 15mins although he feels like he should.bloody well leave her in bed.

So WWYD and how would you approach it? She has form for apparently forgetting she has kids (2 elder DN who now at university). I don't like confrontation but feel like she has royally taken the kids especially as she's gone out with DP who she was stating that she was going to leave just a few hours before!

OP posts:
Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 10:44

Okay

He told me he was under the impression you were coming back. He wouldn't go to sleep cause he was worried about you so he didn't go to sleep til well after midnight. He will probably be tired today as are ds and dd. It's not acceptable to leave him with me without asking first.

More aggressive?

OP posts:
Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 10:46

I really feel.for DN and I don't want it to come across like he can't come here.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 03/09/2017 10:50

I'd let her know that that was thoroughly shit parenting. Poor lad.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/09/2017 10:52

This is awful, your poor DN.
Your text is much too wimpy! You need to put how upset DN was/is, say that he was crying. "Worried" just isn't strong enough.
And you haven't said much about the father, where is he? What are you or DH going to say to him?

Funnyonion17 · 03/09/2017 10:55

How old is she?! She sounds like a teenager on a bender, not a grown woman hmm.

Tbh dragging ya kids to pub, then leaving them with family but not contacting or making any form of arrangements so the child understands the situation is neglect in my eyes.

Mellington · 03/09/2017 10:55

How about:

SiL,
DN was under the impression you were coming back for him, he was very upset and didn't go to sleep until after midnight, not only keeping himself awake but disturbing X and Y, who as you know have been ill this week. I'm sorry but this just isn't acceptable it's not fair on us or the children that your social life comes first. We love having DN to stay but this will have to be the last time as you've not only upset the children but have ruined our pre-arranged plans for today.

Pengggwn · 03/09/2017 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaireWilliams3 · 03/09/2017 10:55

Thank goodness your DN has you to help. She is being irresponsible (how bad is the situation with her DP?) but at least your DN has a safe place to be with you guys.

pictish · 03/09/2017 10:56

"He was under the impression you were coming back for him. When we were unable to contact you, he was worried about you and cried. It was well after midnight before he fell asleep. He will be tired today, as will our kids who were unable to sleep through it. On top of that, we had to cancel our plans today as we only have four seats in the car. You know we love dn but don't assume you can leave him here overnight without discussing it with us again. When will one of you be here to collect him?"

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 10:57

Hubby has just rang. She's at work with him and apparently her DP is at home. DH thinks it "just a mix up in DN part" probably to keep the peace tbh. Funny how this is the second time this "mix up" has happened...

OP posts:
Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 10:59

Well apparently situation with dp is awful but she was out drinking with him last night and is happy for DN to go back to him. Probabaly so she doesn't have to face me. DN dad hasn't been on the scene since he was a baby.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 03/09/2017 11:00

Charlie i think your second text with the ''not acceptable'x is the right call.

Its easy for people on the internet to suggest going full barrel but they dont need to deal with the family fall out. Your second text isnt rude but its assertive and thats what you want.

Sunnyshores · 03/09/2017 11:14

DN is 11 and is left alone asleep in bed, left alone in the house during the day, taken to the pub where hs mum gets drnnk and then abandoned at your house. She clearly didnt know or care, whether he'd gone home alone or whether he'd stayed at yours.

Yes, you need to stand up to DSinlaw but its much more than just because she has inconvenienced you, DN is a child and he needs a safe and loving home. Id be having a chat with SS.

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 11:26

My side of the family have wondered in the past how she hasn't had the dc removed. Before the elder two DN left they would regularly babysit DN so SIL could go drinking. DN has learnt to become very self sufficient as he's had no choice. He knows he can always come here or to my mum's if needs be. I'd report her but if he's taken away I'd feel awful because at least I know at the minute he has family (us) around the corner to help.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 11:27

I like what Mellington said better.

Your dh really doesn't want confrontation with this drama queen, does he?

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 11:31

Okay I send the text. If DH won't do anything then I will.

OP posts:
vikingprincess81 · 03/09/2017 11:35

Why is no one willing to confront SIL on her terrible behaviour? No snark, I'm genuinely asking, I can't imagine allowing this sort of thing, and being reluctant to call her out.
I feel so sorry for your DN and I'm glad he's got you and your folks around to turn to when needed.

vikingprincess81 · 03/09/2017 11:36

Cross post OP, well done on sending a text. She needs to know this is unacceptable, and you're standing up for an 11 year old, who can't stand up for himself right now.

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 11:39

Got a message back saying. "Sorry". That's it. ....

Followed by another message asking if I can keep and take DN to my mums this aftwrnoon for roast dinner so she can have a few beers in the pub with my DH!!

(Dh works long hours so occasionally has a few beers on a Sunday afternoon while I take the kids to the GPs)

Can't believe the level of cheeky fuckery.! What on earth do I reply to that! X

OP posts:
AnarchyKitty · 03/09/2017 11:41

You rely No. Come and collect your child and be a mother!

Pouncival · 03/09/2017 11:42

How about

"Are you taking the fucking piss?"

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 11:44

My mums just rang for an update as she was round at mine yesterday. She's livid and I've had to stop her ringing my MIL to tell her. Dm has refused to have DN for lunch anyways after SILs behaviour (not that I was intending to take him!) Going to text DH and see if he knows she's invited herself...

OP posts:
CherieBabySpliffUp · 03/09/2017 11:45

Why would you take her son to your mother's who he is not related to so she can get pissed in the pub? Shock
Tell her Hell No!

lookingbeyond40 · 03/09/2017 11:46

It gets worse!!!! So you have to now, not only abandon your plans, but take her child so she can go and have hair of the dog.

Cheeky fuckery of the highest order!

Pouncival · 03/09/2017 11:46

You should have let her ring MIL - all this pussy footing around is encouraging SIL to carry on behaving like a twat