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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSIL abandoning DN at mine without asking

229 replies

charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:34

More of a WWYD really.....

So yesterday SIL turned up at 11.30 stating she was having issues with her dp and wanted a chat. She stayed til one when suddenly announced she was going to the pub for a couple of pints(?) But would be back later. I had nothing on yesterday was just pottering so said yeah that's fine. She took DN (11) with her. I popped to my mum's with my 3 DC (ds10 dd3 and ds2 3 months). Then had a call from her phone around half 2. It was DN stating he was bored at the pub could he come round. I said that's fine as DSiL was supposed to be coming back round to mine anyway.
2 hrs later I had made dinner so fed DN. No text etc to state where she was.DN then piped up that she had arranged to go with her DP to another friends house for a piss Up!

Long story short couldn't get hold of her all night DN who is iffy about staying out at the best of times wouldn't sleep or go to bed until midnight in case she came back. Had to move dd from her room to make space for the boys to sleep together. Dd was unsettled by DN crying and woke up, my sensitive DS is very upset for his cousin and none us us had a good sleep. It's now half past 8 and still not heard from her.
My DH is due to pick her up for work in 15mins although he feels like he should.bloody well leave her in bed.

So WWYD and how would you approach it? She has form for apparently forgetting she has kids (2 elder DN who now at university). I don't like confrontation but feel like she has royally taken the kids especially as she's gone out with DP who she was stating that she was going to leave just a few hours before!

OP posts:
Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 12:57

Okay update.

We are now at my mums. I replied to her that it wasnt possible to take DN to mums and that we'd already changed plans once today. Told her that shed need to collect him. No reply.
Got DN and my three ready and walked him to the end of his road. SIL opened the door and actually scowled at me before slamming the door!
DH didn't know she had invited herself to the pub with him. Hes livid and is going to speak to her asap.

She is neglectful in other ways. He's very short and underweight due to lack of regular mealtimes. Think takeaways at 10 at night aftwr being in the pub all day with no food. Barely enough food in the house, occasionally nothing at all and will come to ours for food or money. Not due to being skint but poor money management. I'm going to have a word with MIL but it always seems to be played down.and minimised. Mil looks after middle DN for sil. We had him live with us for a year before we had two smaller Dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 12:59

Unfortunately can't take on DN full time as no room at our house. It's cramped as it is with my DC. I don't think mil would take another DC for my all either x

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 03/09/2017 13:03

OP I think its time to get SS involved. If the child isn't being fed, isn't being adequately supervised and is obviously distressed about coming second to a pint he deserves better.

vikingprincess81 · 03/09/2017 13:06

Why haven't social services been called yet?

vikingprincess81 · 03/09/2017 13:06

Children are dependent on adults. Who's going to protect this poor lad?

Giraffeelephantgrape · 03/09/2017 13:07

I would definetly report to social services. This situation is not fair on your dn. He deserves better. Not a nice situation to have to report but this is necessary and in his best interests

Nocabbageinmyeye · 03/09/2017 13:08

Absolutely call social services op, that poor child needs someone to step in

Armadillostoes · 03/09/2017 13:17

Just adoing my voice to the others. Please look at the NSPCC link. This poor boy deserves much better than he is getting. You sound very kind but his current lifestyle is not a childhood anyone should have to have.

SealSong · 03/09/2017 13:19

You need to report all of this to social care, given the concerns in your latest post also. That child is experiencing neglect and emotional damage from his mothers alcoholism.
He probably wouldn't be removed, social care would work with his mother to address the issues and improve her parenting.

SealSong · 03/09/2017 13:20

x post with many!

Taylor22 · 03/09/2017 13:22

This is how children fall through the cracks. Because those around them are to weak to actually do something!

You clearly have a phone in your hand. So good the number for your local SS and call them. now. No excuse.
You don't need to speak to your POS DH or MIL. You don't need their permission. Just for the love of God call them.

4men1lady · 03/09/2017 13:22

Fuck me, I never comment on these types of threads but between 5 adults, someone needs to step in.

I'm sure you are doing as much as you can but by not intervening, it's as good as enabling his mum's poor behaviour.

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 13:31

Could I voice my concerns anonymously? I really don't want it to have to come from me.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/09/2017 13:36

You can report anonymously if you want.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/09/2017 13:41

It's not just coming from you though is it? You report together- you, DH, her MIL, your mum. She isn't coping and you won't stand by any longer and wait for the inevitable referral from school or the police getting involved in some way.

They won't remove him but will start providing support. And it will give her the massive kick she needs.

It doesn't matter who calls- you can say the family all agree she needs help. And if she has a go, do you really give a shit? This woman scowled at you and slammed her door in yours and her child's face when you bright him home this morning. Do you really feel unable to scowl back and say 'Grow the fuck up. We all agree on this. You need help. You're only lucky so far that you have us, including me, to dump him with so you've got away with neglecting him this long. So shut up and listen to them instead of yelling at me would be my advice'.

Do you think that if you said that to her your and her families would be anything but supportive?

Original poster
charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 13:41

I've looked at the link above and I agree he's definitely under some form of neglect. Tomorrow I'll report it.

OP posts:
DamsonGin · 03/09/2017 13:45

Good. You'll be doing the right thing for him.

RandomMess · 03/09/2017 13:46

It's a big ask but if you rent could you move somewhere bigger and take him on formally?

It isn't going to get better Sad

RandomMess · 03/09/2017 13:47

Let your DM phone MIL too!

Motoko · 03/09/2017 13:50

Yes OP, you must report it. If you don't, you're colluding in his neglect.

Silverthorn · 03/09/2017 13:55

This is so fucking sad for your poor dn. You know he is malnourished and neglected and sil has form for this but not a one of you has thought to get him some help? Not good enough OP. Poor boy.

Taylor22 · 03/09/2017 13:58

The link says it's open 24/7 so you can do it today OP.

Armadillostoes · 03/09/2017 14:06

Good for you OP. But please don't wait or have doubts. This child needs you

Shemozzle · 03/09/2017 14:12

You need to do the right thing here and report her for the sake of your nephew. If you don't who will? Poor kid.