To be so annoyed my child's phone was taken off him at a sleepover?

[minnieproblems]

DS stayed over with a friend last night. There were four there in total. He has a phone so he can text/call us if he needs to. Before going to bed, phones and tablets were removed from the visiting children.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? He finds it quite stressful staying over and he hated being unable to contact us.

I never said the child should be allowed to spend all night using the mobile phone fgs. Just there is no reason they should not be allowed to keep it with them. And no the girls who bullied me, would NOT have taken it off me because I wouldn't have had it where they knew where it was. And at least I would have had a sporting chance of contacting someone, instead of being terrorised for 5 hours!

And no, people didn't generally have sleepover pre 1990's. Not in the UK anyway. I barely knew a soul who had them. Yeah you would occasionally stay at a friend's house, but it was very rare. There was no need to, as all our friends lived closeby. Now they sometimes live at different ends of town!

I re-iterate, this is the first time I have ever heard the 'leave your phones downstairs, as there is no phones allowed at bedtime' rule. It's just one of many things that only happens on mumsnet. The woman had no business taking the phone off the OP's child. Cheeky mare.

Upshot is, people need to accept not every child is the same as theirs, not every parent is the same as them, and quit being so bloody judgemental.

I also find it hilarious that people say 'if they have their phone at night, they will watch porn and horror. Like they couldn't watch it at any other time!

I think the most worrying thing is that a ten year old needs a phone as a 'comfort blanket'.

If he needs to know you're close to him (physically, over the phone etc), he's not ready to go on sleepovers. Technology is an enabler, and I'm normally the first to stand up for children using tablets/phones etc. But it's slippery territory when a young child uses it as a security blanket. It makes the child reliant on something that's inherently nowhere near as reliable as his own resources (e.g. when he's older he won't need you so much) or those of a trusted adult (e.g. sleepover host, grandparents if staying with them etc).

Reliance on - rather than a take-it-or-leave-it approach to - technology is a problem.

He is only 10 but by that age most children can seperate confidently from their parents for the duration of a sleepover. That's not to say there's anything wrong with your son that he needs extra reassurance just that the hosting parents wouldn't be expecting it without being told. If you have a conversation with parents about your sons needs in future I'm sure they would be sensible enough not to be gossiping in the playground. I wouldn't leave my child with people I thought would embarrass them.
You're talking about phones being left downstairs as some kind of punishment when it's just a rule. Would you say that phones had been 'confiscated' if they weren't allowed at the table for e.g.'?

And no the girls who bullied me, would NOT have taken it off me because I wouldn't have had it where they knew where it was.

Really? So you would have pre-emptied the bullying and stashed your phone away in the cupboard they would later lock you in? Right.

user1490607838 Sun 03-Sep-17 15:08:39
"I never said the child should be allowed to spend all night using the mobile phone fgs. Just there is no reason they should not be allowed to keep it with them."

So if the phone is in the bedroom with the children how are the parents supposed to ensure it is not used inappropriately? Do they have to sit up all night in the same room?

I'd be annoyed. It's a bit weird

Also meant to say that when my dd stayed at a school friends house recently I was surprised that the children were allowed phones/iPads in the bedroom at all as internet use is 100% supervised at home. I wouldn't have dreamt of complaining though. If you want your children looked after according to your house rules then don't have others looking after them in their home imo. I've just told my dd not to watch anything that makes her uncomfortable. It's quite possible that some of the other parents wouldn't have been happy if phones WERE allowed in the room. The hosts can't parent all kids by their own parents rules so the hosts rules should apply. Unless they are unsafe I think you'd be very precious to say anything to the hosts.

Bottom line is this -- Her home, her rules. As a parent, it's your parental right to keep your kid from going to that home, if you don't like the rules. Simple.

The "no phones at bedtime" is a VERY common rule (just look around MN). If a parent wants the host to give special privilege to her child, it is the parent's job to ask. You can't expect the host to be a mind reader.

I wouldn't let kids keep phones overnight if they were at a sleepover at my house. Bedtime is for sleeping not messing about with phones.
If they needed to contact their parent they could ask and I would give them back without question but they wouldn't get them otherwise.

user you might not have had sleepovers in the 90's but I certainly did. A sleepover party was pretty much what everyone did from about year 8 and I certainly recall having slept over at pretty much all my friends houses numerous times. And I didn't need a phone or to contact my mum. I really do think that at times we really are too scared to build resilience in our kids

user I was having sleepovers in the 60s and 70s . They might not have been called sleepovers - but we certainly went to stay the night with friends. Just like playdates weren't called playdates - you went for tea with a friend after school !

Can I just say again to OP and to all who think it is fine for kids to have phones over night.

This is AGAINST the recommended esafety advice given out by EVERY SINGLE organisation involved with children and esafety.

Both my kids secdonary school had parents eveneings for new starters, year 7, and almost begged us as parents to remove devices at bedtime.

It is not confiscating their property, it is saying now is the time to put them away. Just as when you come in from playing football, the ball goes away and doesn't get kicked around the bedroom, so, at bedtime the phones go down stairs.

regardless of whether or not you agree or disagree with the OP, please can I ask you to consider the advice of ALL child agencies, and make is a general policy in your homes to remove tech from bedrooms at night.

We are sometimes so trusting of our own kids, that we actually do them no kindness by overtrusting them. They are safer with their phones downstairs. Yes, this is a matter of good parenting, surely at some point we can take expert advice and say, hands up, I didn't know that it was better to do this, I will change what happens in my house to improve my parenting. I have done that, it is hard, it causes more arguments, but I believe the experts that this is better for my kids.

That still leaves plenty of room for compassion, for understanding visiting children etc, but there are other ways to ensure that happens.

And no, people didn't generally have sleepover pre 1990's. Not in the UK anyway. I barely knew a soul who had them. Yeah you would occasionally stay at a friend's house, but it was very rare. There was no need to, as all our friends lived closeby. Now they sometimes live at different ends of town! My kids had loads of sleepovers in the 70s, kids in the same road would have sleepovers because it was fun. I've had half a dozen camping out in the lounge under tents made of sheets. It was perfectly normal where I lived in a large English city.

When my GC sleepover at mine I have the phones at night. If I didn't they would be up half the night and I would get it in the neck when parents pick up exhausted children.

where we lived in the 70s,early 80s sleepovers were mostly in tents in each others garden .The parents left the back door unlocked incase we needed the loo in the night

sleepovers were rare ore 1990s?

Not where I grew up!

I think that it's pretty standard to say put your phone away for bedtime and presumably the parent has had sleepovers before where they were a pain. If your child needs their phone with them as a comfort blanket they need to stay home .

Steppe, it's a bit different when away from home. Anyway no permanent damage. I'm just not sure I am comfortable with the assumption my ten year old is going to be accessing pornography given half the chance

I'm just not sure I am comfortable with the assumption my ten year old is going to be accessing pornography given half the chance

well if I'm hosting a sleep over I wouldn't be comfortable with your assumption that they definitely won't!

And no, people didn't generally have sleepover pre 1990's. Not in the UK anyway. I barely knew a soul who had them. Yeah you would occasionally stay at a friend's house, but it was very rare. There was no need to, as all our friends lived closeby. Now they sometimes live at different ends of town!

What a load of crap! Sleep-overs were the standard birthday party in the 80s round my way! All of the girls/teens magazines at the time were all "10 ways to host a top sleep-over". Sleep-shirts were a whole fashion in themselves, 80s retailers made a fortune out of sleep-over fashions! it was TOTALLY a thing! And I had many sleep-overs with my next door neighbour and neighbours from across the road! "Midnight feasts" and make overs all round!

I also find it hilarious that people say 'if they have their phone at night, they will watch porn and horror. Like they couldn't watch it at any other time! yeah cos there is NO difference between supervised device use and un-supervised device use… unless you mean that just because they might see a clip at the park you might as well take an "in for a penny in for a pound" attitude and just give them free reign?

They were called slumber parties back then though. At least where I grew up.

I didn't like them. Other children interrupted my reading time. Unfortunately my parents did because it saved on getting a babysitter.