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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so annoyed my child's phone was taken off him at a sleepover?

557 replies

minnieproblems · 02/09/2017 18:12

DS stayed over with a friend last night. There were four there in total. He has a phone so he can text/call us if he needs to. Before going to bed, phones and tablets were removed from the visiting children.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? He finds it quite stressful staying over and he hated being unable to contact us.

OP posts:
Alulu123 · 02/09/2017 23:37

I have to say, I don't really find it funny that you're now mocking people who do have real, serious fears @Huffletuff

It is supposed to be funny or sarcastic, I presume?

Huffletuff · 02/09/2017 23:38
Biscuit
Marmenteum · 02/09/2017 23:38

U ok hun?

Huffletuff · 02/09/2017 23:40

PM me.

BenLui · 02/09/2017 23:42

I agree with Somerville some pages back "this thread has gone batshit".

Also a number of posters have been deliberately obstreperous, I'm quite embarrassed on your behalves.

I have had children as young as 4 yo coming to my house for sleepovers. No child needs a phone overnight.

I'm generally considered a fairly strict parent so there are all sorts of rules in our home which some kids don't follow at home including eating at the table with nice table manners, no screens during a meal, no jumping on furniture, no taking food without asking, no violence or bad language to name but a few.

I don't outline any of these to the parents of visiting children. My house, my rules. If your child can't follow the rules they go home.

I've had anxious children come to stay several times. Their parents didn't need to "disclose medical information" they just needed to tell me quietly that wee Jimmy is a bit worried about xy or z and we made appropriate arrangements to reassure Jimmy and make him comfortable in our home, within our rules.

One of these children always needs to speak to his Mum the phone before bedtime. No problem. But the phone didn't stay in the room.

All children who stay with us for the first time are shown our bedroom and explicitly told they can wake us at any time if there's a problem.

I always send a quick text to parents around bedtime giving them an update on their kids and in the morning to say how they slept (or not!).

If you don't trust me to look after your child, don't send them.

If your child doesn't trust me to look after them, don't send them.

If your child can't cope overnight without continual access to a mobile phone, I'm very sorry but they shouldn't be staying.

I'm very sympathetic to the problem of an anxious child and I'm very keen to be a good host and make guests comfortable. But sleepovers are not obligatory. Plenty of children don't go on them.

If your child can't cope overnight that's completely fine. Just wait until they are. Don't put them through the stress, it won't help them.

It's not about being a "perfect" parent. It's about assessing the greatest risk. It's about running my home to my standards.

personally I confiscate Nerf guns Grin

OhSoggyBiscuit · 03/09/2017 00:02

This thread is something alright Confused

SE13Mummy · 03/09/2017 00:09

We have a 'no devices in bedrooms at bedtime' rule here and that applies to sleepover guests too. Phones etc. are left at the top of the stairs so there's nothing to stop a guest leaving the bedroom to go and send a quick text should they need to.

That said, if a 9/10 year old was coming to stay and needed the security of knowing that s/he could text a parent at midnight, I'd expect the parent to be upfront about it e.g. "If X is away from home, s/he sometimes likes to text me before going to sleep. Phone is in X's bag..."

That way, the child doesn't need to feel anxious about having a hidden phone or about wondering if texting home is allowed. The host parent can then reply with an "That's fine, X can do that whenever - I let the children have phones on at night" or "Phones aren't allowed in bedrooms in this house so X's can go on the landing/table/wherever with everyone else's. X can text you whenever s/he needs from there." When we've had anxious sleepover guests/their parents have worried that their DC may be anxious, I tend to send a couple of updates during the evening to let the parent know that X is settled/snoring/as chatty as the others.

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 00:09

I have not read the fucking thread it is 18 pages.

As a parent of a child who never sleeps, feels fear and hates staying at her Dad I
Let her have her iPad also at sleepovers.

Sometimes just a quick text from me at 2am can settle her down, as can a quick
Watch of icarly with her head phones in.

She is 9 she wants to sleep
over like anyone else. Just had the odd wobble ' it is her comfort blanket! Ffs

I do not condone anyone taking that away from her. Lights out as well! Wtf! That would tip her over the edge who puts a kid in a strange house in the dark?

Some of you need to get some kindness and empathy into you!! Hard as nails!
Bet you are so proud!

TormundsGingerBeard · 03/09/2017 00:09

Basically the point of this thread is that the @OP sent her child to a home where she didn't tell them he 'needed' his phone (like it's fucking oxygen ...)

Her mistake, not that of the host parents so why blame them?

Either tell them what you want or keep your child at home. Not difficult really is it Confused

BenLui · 03/09/2017 00:18

Tinker I'm not hard as nails. I'm sorry your DD finds overnights difficult and I really do sympathise, but I wouldn't agree to those conditions on her staying.

It's different if she's staying at her Dad's. But if she's staying with another child or a group of children the rules need to be fair.

SkylarFalls · 03/09/2017 00:22

it is her comfort blanket! Ffs

a 9yo using electronics at 2am is not a healthy "comfort blanket". You need to work harder on coping strategies instead of coping out and using electronics to prop up her night-time issues!

BackieJerkhart · 03/09/2017 00:36

If you have created a situation where your 9yo is anxious without their phone then you have done them a disservice and it is quite unfair to do to a child. Emotional dependence on an electronic device that can malfunction, break, lose signal, lose credit or data or run out of battery is a really ridiculous thing to encourage in a child.

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 00:40

I am not saying don't day put the iPad down. That is fair but to take it away then yes you are exactly that!

The idea of putting it on the landing is a good one.

I don't take anything away on sleepovers but I am constantly listening in with doors open and checking every few minutes until they are asleep.

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 00:42

a 9yo using electronics at 2am is not a healthy "comfort blanket". You need to work harder on coping strategies instead of coping out and using electronics to prop up her night-time issues

Could not disagree more.

Its a quick contact to me. This shows your ignorance to anxiety to be honest.

deadringer · 03/09/2017 00:43

Sleepovers are not compulsory you know op. Neither are mobile phones. Yabu.

SkylarFalls · 03/09/2017 00:54

Its a quick contact to me. This shows your ignorance to anxiety to be honest

as someone who suffers from anxiety I know as well as anyone that while delving into your phone might temporarily feel good, it actually makes the anxiety worse not better, especially if you're using it at 2am because you can't sleep - the lighting used on phones/tablets just further fucks up your brain chemistry.

It's like saying "my 9yo is eating chocolate at 2am because she's anxious, if you tell me I'm wrong to not help her find alternative strategies you're devoid of compassion and don't get anxiety". Which is bullshit!

Letting her use divices at 2am is the easy option.. it's not the right one though!

ujerneyson · 03/09/2017 00:58

7-9 year olds with phones, well, I have no words. It's totally and completely unecessary and I can safely say that no once in my life have I ever checked that DH has got to work safely. I work on the assumption that if he hasn't then I would hear somehow.

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 01:01

Its a text from me to say go back to sleep or go and wake up the parents if you want to come home as most kids would dread that bit.

You can't really compare it to chocolate. Deary me.

Weirdly my dd is on a sleepover now with severe jet lag. I did warn my friend to this previously.
Not had one text though (yet) yipee.

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 01:05

Also friend finder alot of my friends have this.

My Dad has us all on it but I block him and tell him to stop being so nosey 🙄.

I have my best friend on it though. She swims lakes and runs marathons. She said it is a precaution incase something happens. I never really log onto it though.

Many people do though as a previous poster said thats why it comes in built with iPhones.

BackieJerkhart · 03/09/2017 01:06

as someone who suffers from anxiety I know as well as anyone that while delving into your phone might temporarily feel good, it actually makes the anxiety worse not better,

Yep. It's a false crutch. The temporary good feelings/relief from checking the phone/sending a text to mum/dad is actually rewarding the anxiety. Its saying "oh I feel good now I've checked in, obviously checking in at 2am was the right thing to do because it has made me feel good" when actually you should be teaching her/him to look for that good feeling that happens when they wake in the morning and everything is still alright.

SkylarFalls · 03/09/2017 01:11

it is just like chocolate because it's a compulsion. Checking your phone at 2am is not healthy for anyone! And you texting back just gives a shot of serotonin just like chocolate but does nothing to releave the background anxiety and actually makes it worse as the void of not checking your phone or not getting a reply becomes a "thing".

Your text does not change her situation at all, so yes it is a false crutch. There are other things you could work through with her to help her deal with the situation she is in rather than retreating to her phone, but it would be harder work on your part than just replying to a text….

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 01:17

I don't think so. The result is she would go back to sleep or come home. No big deal.

Tonight she hasn't even bothered at all. So it has actually technically ' worked'.

So it would be better for her to fret for a while you think? To get a coping mechanism? Hmmm

Did you use control crying?
Actually don't go there. Lets just agree to disagree. We can't all have the same opinion.

SkylarFalls · 03/09/2017 01:23

no. I'm not saying let her fret, and I didn't use CC

I'm saying that your system of 2am phone use will actually cause more fretting than it'll solve. It's not solving anything and isn't healthy and can lead to worsening problems

going on your phone at 2am is not healthy even though it gives you a short feel good hit - long term it will increase your problems.

You're completely wrong to thing I am saying "leave her to fret" - I'm saying the exact opposite, I'm saying you should work on solutions and not use electronics as a cop out

DistanceCall · 03/09/2017 01:24

Sounds like perhaps some of your anxiety has rubbed off on your child, OP.

Tinkerbec · 03/09/2017 01:27

Ok skylar fair enough.

Any suggestions? It does not help that she only sleeps 6 hours. Had her to docs for this.