To be so annoyed my child's phone was taken off him at a sleepover?

[minnieproblems]

DS stayed over with a friend last night. There were four there in total. He has a phone so he can text/call us if he needs to. Before going to bed, phones and tablets were removed from the visiting children.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? He finds it quite stressful staying over and he hated being unable to contact us.

I wouldn't dream of telling someone how to parent their kids, and I appreciate the same back. Except that isn't what happened here. No phones at bedtime is a popular rule, and when you are in someone else's home, you follow their rules.

He stays over because he wants to be part of things, That way madness lies....what else would he be prepared to do to be "a part of things"?

One girl couldn't make it through the night. She told me and we had her mom come pick her up. But I have to tell you, dd1 and the other girls were none too understanding ... and that poor girl was excluded for subsequent events for the next several months. So my advice is if your son is not ready, don't force the issue because it may end up making him look bad in front of his buddies. Your advise is crap! if my dd did this to her friend who needed to go home (several times) on sleepovers, I'd be so disappointed in her. It show terrible lacks on understanding, and to be fair, they don't deserve to be called friends. It would be the " buddies" who need to work on themselves, not the lad!

Why is it bizarre to have a tracking app? My entire family are on mine so we can all see where each other is. That's... why they make them. Sorry, it sounds rather controlling to want to know where your entire family is 24/7.

Why wouldn't you want to know if your loved ones have arrived at a destination safely? It's called communicating. My dd walks home from school. I work, so don't have time (or the inclination, to be honest) to constantly 'track' her. I get a text saying "home" when she reaches her destination. THAT is what phones are for. My other dd is 9. She goes home with friends. I don't need to "track" that! It sounds like you are v anxious about your families whereabouts.

I also check that my DH and DM have arrived safely at work. What did you do before mobile phones/gps?

Perfectly healthy. It's really not, not on an everyday basis. Going on a long trip and haven't heard anything? Fair enough. Going to work/school. Every. Day. NOT so much.

Oh & suggesting that those of us who don't track our family members constantly are "weird" or accusing us of us not caring about their safety is just ridiculous and shows exactly how over the top you are. I certainly DO care about all my family members. Very much so. Just don't feel the need to track them.

I'm not a slave to anything apart from my bowel. And an app on your phone that let's you track your family. I really wish you could see how unhealthy that is.

My dd has anxiety, I know without a doubt that she would need comfort from me if she woke at a sleepover. She doesn't have a phone, she doesn't need one. And anyway, being able to contact me 24/7 would actually worsen her anxiety, because there would be times when she wouldn't (for whatever reason) be able to contact me straight away...which is what she would need. I would have to stay awake myself, all night. Therefore, sleepovers = too hard. I keep her home, and will until she understands & has different ways to comfort herself in my absence.

Watching youtube at 2am is likely to cause more anxiety than it fixes, to be fair.

"Its a quick contact to me* You said she watched icarly on it! That's not contacting you!

It show terrible lacks on understanding, - "It shows a terrible lack of understanding"

Tinkerbec If she finds the dads "scary" perhaps she shouldn't be there?

Also, you staying up and expecting a 2am text/call just shows how ingrained this behaviour has become now. For her & you.

My dd rarely sleeps (asd, has meds for going to sleep, wakes at least twice per night and on occasion can take over an hour to resettle, has anxiety too) and yet I have managed not to make her reliant on tech when she inevitably wakes in the night. Because it isn't healthy. There have been times that I have sat and read a book to her to calm her. I usually play with her hair, rub her back, comfort her quietly. Because of all this, she cannot do sleepovers.

It would be so much easier to tell her to watch a "quick clip" of something on youtube, though. I would get some sleep. But she would not.

I am not sat up waiting I actually sleep on a normal day ( non jet lag) that was a joke. Her texts are usually about 10.30 anyway. Rare 2am that's usually when at her Dads as he won't wake up when she is scared.

Also this is just for sleepovers is not like I let her watch it when at home.

I would rather her watch that then wake up parents and other kids. It's a one off. Not the norm.
Chances are they could all be awake talking away.

No devices upstairs in our house overnight. Including visitors. Oldest is 13. If it was a problem for you we wouldn't have your child to stay.

Maybe you need to explain to her that anxiety gives physical symptoms heart racing feeling frightened etc. Your body is reacting to something that is not there. Maybe teach her to do some deep breathing and patience that the symptoms will go.
Gong on her phone will make her more alert which won't help and prolong the anxiety.,

I have never known a 'no phones at bedtime' rule in my life to be honest. I have had my kids on sleepovers before many times in the past, and on several occasions, they became quite unhappy after falling out with one of the people at the sleepover, and it was a relief for them that they could call me to ask me to come get them. We may not have had mobiles in the past, but then we didn't have sleepovers often either! Not like they do now. I went on 4 at the most in my entire childhood.

In addition, I remember staying at someone's house in the past - 30 years ago or so, (her mother and mine were acquaintances, and they were all going to an evening do, so I ended up staying at this woman's house.)

The girl I was staying with got 2 older girls around, and they intimidated and bullied and harangued me for the whole evening, threatening me, and scaring the shit out of me. They pinned me against the wall and kept slapping me, and then locked me in the built in wardrobe in one of the bedrooms and wouldn't let me out. I was crying and begging to be let out. They left me in there for an hour.

The parents were out (with mine,) all evening. It upset me greatly and it sends chills through me now when I think about it. I would have LOVED to have been able to ring someone, as they kept me trapped for 5 hours and then denied everything when the parents came back!

There have been some very cruel and mean and spiteful posts on this thread, from people who are mocking children who feel safe with their phone, and taking the piss out of the parents who like to check if their child is OK. I am fully aware that many children spend a lot of time on their phone, but it's out of order for another parent (on another child's sleepover,) to remove your child's phone. As I said, I have never heard of a 'no phones overnight' rule either, and it seems like it's one of those things you only see on mumsnet!

In addition, if the kids are going to mess about and take embarrassing pics and post them on youtube, they can do that anytime, like earlier in the evening (before the 'phone ban!')

Upshot is, a little kindness and empathy wouldn't go amiss. Some people have been really nasty to a few posters on this thread. And if you feel the need to take phones away, it must be because your child spends a lot of time on their phone, so maybe instead of slagging off peoples parenting, you should try looking in the mirror.

My DD is about to turn 9 - I literally have to prize it out of her paws at bedtime!! So I'd probably have asked them all to put in kitchen - though if I was primed beforehand I'd probably allow a visiting child put it in their bag or something as long as my rule was respected (DD doesn't, she tries to sneak other tablets or phones to her bed 🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒

Good grief, I'm glad I went to bed when I did before incoming posters ramped this thread up to an even more special level of crazy. Poor ickle girls frightened of the big scary daddies and an ipad as a comfort blanket

And if you feel the need to take phones away, it must be because your child spends a lot of time on their phone, so maybe instead of slagging off peoples parenting, you should try looking in the mirror.

Really? DS1 has an iPhone and probably spends about 10 minutes a day on it, tops. He's just not interested. I still have a rule that phones don't go upstairs at bedtime. Does that mean I need to look in a mirror and reduce his 10 minutes daily, shall I aim for 5 minutes? 3? You can't possibly assume that removal of phones at bedtime means that a child has spent too long on it during the day. It's ridiculous.

Everyone has their own rules when it comes to stuff like this and I think if your DCs are staying in someone else's home you have to assume your DCs will have to cooperate with the family's rules. If you don't agree with the family's rules your DCs should probably not stay there.

user Do you attend the net safety evening that your DC's school are likely to offer? My DCare at3 different schools, each of which had a different advisor for the evening, and they all recommended no devices in bedrooms as their number one piece of advice. The reasoning is:

• they can be fully charged ready for next day
• sleep will be better without screens to look at
• children read more without devices at bedtime
• a 12 hour + break from any cyber bullying or silliness. (Either as recipient or perpetrator)
• removes the risk of inappropriate conversations/grooming over night, when parents are asleep and not supervising internet usage
• makes it harder for anyone who is grooming or bullying them in the daytime , e.g. to get them to send inappropriate photos

Yabu op and that's it.

If you expect your child to sleep with phone under pillow you need to make that clear to the hosting parent so they can say yes or no.

I never understand on these threads the 'taking phones' stuff. Surely you'd just tell the kids to leave them on a shelf till morning? And if a child needed to use their phone they go downstairs .

And in terms of 'would never wake hosting parent at 12'... Surely if a child was going home they would have to be woken up anyway?

How on earth did we cope in the 80s?

someerville not only do schools recommend it, but also the police, social services, NSPCC, Childline, The Samaritans.

Even the Department of Health.

I can't think of any agencies involved with children that would advise otherwise.

I would have LOVED to have been able to ring someone, as they kept me trapped for 5 hours and then denied everything when the parents came back!

If you had had a phone with you do you seriously believe those girls would have let you keep it? They wouldn't. They would have taken it from you and very possibly filmed your distress on it before posting it online. You were very unlucky to have been left with vile bullies. I had many sleepovers before mobiles were a thing and never once had that kind of an experience.

flumpy 😳

Speak to a doctor and check that letting him have a phone is the best way to deal with seperation anxiety rather than actually the cause of it.

Tell parents hosting the sleepover about DCs anxiety and the need for a phone 24/7.

Get a non smart phone that has no camera, no wifi, no blue tooth, no data connection, no memory, no video playback and no games so it is safe to use in a children's bedroom overnight. Only the ability to ring and text, like a Nokia 1610.

seriously why do parents give phones to kids so young...

why?

I gave my dd an old iPhone and a pay as you go sim last year when she went away on pony camp aged 8. She was supposed to text me with the times she would be riding so I could go and watch. But she forgot so I ended up getting the info by going down there myself, which embarrassed her a bit. I swapped it for a cheap android contract this year and she gave me regular updates aged 9. She hates her phone but bugger if I'm getting a 9 yo an iPhone. If she didn't do camp, I don't expect she'd have a phone as she really doesn't use it. I set it up to only go off wifi so no chance of getting internet outside home. She will cotton on at some stage that I'm blocking internet use but she's not a kid, who's interested in gadgets so she's not worked it out.

Dd also has a medical condition, where her heart stops beating then automatically restarts a minute or so later and it makes her very tired and groggy for a 24 hours after. Luckily it doesn't happen often. So I like that she has a phone and will continue to encourage her to use it in future so I can collect her from anywhere if needs be.

So yes, some small kids have phones for a reason.

I would be surprised if devices weren't removed at a sleepover tbh. Dd recently went to one and I think the mum had to put them away at about 3am when the kids were all still awake. They'd have probably been awake for a few hours longer if she hadn't.
Regardless of whether your son had data the others might have and letting just your son keep their phone likely would have led to resentment from the others. If you are letting your child stay out then they need to be able to follow (reasonable) house rules that are different from home imo. If your son has a serious problem with anxiety you really should have warned the other parents beforehand so they could decide whether they could accommodate it with the other children there or a sleepover at another time would be better. Maybe the parents could then have reassured all the children that if they NEEDED to speak to their parents they could.
Maybe your son will feel more confident now that he has managed to survive without his phone? There's not much point in a sleepover imo if the kids are all sat not socialising and absorbed with their devices.

I am mystified that someone would say that the host should have informed the parent of the rules her child would be expected to follow.

EG. is she supposed to say:

No elbows on the table.
Use please and thank you.
Please flush the toilet after use and wash your hands.
Do not kick the dog/cat/hamster.
Do not bully my child, their siblings, their granny.
No phones in the bedroom.

No, of course not.
No phones in the bedroom is just another standard rule for most parents and as recommended by schools and medics so it seriously wouldn't occur to me to tell another parent that phone are left in the kitchen overnight.

Are you even sure that your DS did not know where his phone was? If it was such an issue to him/you then it was for you to point this out to the parent rather than for them to guess this.

Completely agree. I have a child with food allergies. I will let parents know before he goes to their house what he can't eat. The ops situation would be like me complaining afterwards because they hadn't told me what they would be serving.
If your kid has needs that are out of the ordinary you need to let others who are caring for them know.
Most children, apart from being a bit grumpy that they aren't allowed them, won't suffer for not having a phone and will probably have more fun with their friends and sleep more if they aren't in the bedroom.

Thanks for the replies. It wouldn't occur to me to confiscate another child's property (assuming they weren't behaving badly) so will remember for next time.

However, just to clear up something - DS doesn't "have anxiety" and to be honest, if he did, I wouldn't be spreading it around the playground. He is prone to be a bit anxious when apart from me which isn't the same as anxiety. Knowing he can send me a message means he doesn't fret as he feels on some level like I am 'there.' He is only ten, after all.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry I've not had a chance to get on much - busy weekend.

If you are sending your child for a sleepover at somebody else's house wouldn't it be a kind thing to inform the hosting parents of any special traits that might mean he needs a bit of special consideration rather than just expecting them to be mind readers? After all, no electronics in the bedroom at night is a very common rule.

And even though you know that your ds can't access unsuitable websites on his phone and show the other kids, how do you expect his hosts to know that unless you tell them?

If your ds is too scared to explain things, then you need to.

"It wouldn't occur to me to confiscate another child's property (assuming they weren't behaving badly")"

So how are the parents supposed to know that the children won't "behave badly", accessing dodgy websites in the middle of the night? Should they stay up all night and watch over their shoulders? Or just make a general rule that they can't have mobiles in areas where they aren't supervised?

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. I think if you send your child to another house for a sleep over then you have to except that they may have different rules and routines to your own. If you feel so strongly that they should have kept it in case they didn't feel safe then maybe they shouldn't have been there in the first place