Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my in-laws?

262 replies

Lauraw1989 · 02/09/2017 16:09

Hi Ladies,

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to stop over at her house (who are a 20 minute drive away) with my 1 month year old baby so my hubby don't have to drive and he can stay up with them and have a few drinks.

We have a house cat so I worry about him being on his own overnight. Plus I just want to be in my own bed and to put my baby asleep in my own house.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 23:20

"I've read it that the OP is being made out to be miserable for not wanting to 'just stay over' at a time when she is quite possibly still feeling vulnerable" She hasn't said anything about feeling miserable or vulnerable. If she was then of course she should go home and her dp should go with her.

PrimalLass · 02/09/2017 23:25

Does she have to spell it out? I don't think so as a lot of us just understood why it might not be ideal at 4 weeks.

stitchglitched · 02/09/2017 23:31

'And she doesn't have to. As everyone has said all along.'

Except you, whose immediate response to OP's 'AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my inlaws' was 'yes.'

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 23:32

Well, she spelled out how she doesn't want her mil to "have her own way". And what she "lets" her dp do.

PrimalLass · 02/09/2017 23:36

It's a tricky time. I don't think giving the OP a battering on this thread is very nice. I was v funny about my MIL post birth too, and she is perfectly nice. And 12 years on I've still not really forgiven DP for how he handled it.

sushiwushi · 02/09/2017 23:43

When my DD was that age I would have wanted to go home too and expected my DP to support that. He would have too. You are not being unreasonable.

cantthinkofabloodyname · 02/09/2017 23:50

My MIL used to drive me crazy with they way she was with my 2 (at the time) DS's, as she would always want us to spend time there, do things for them etc. It took me a long time to realise that it was her way of showing how much she loved them. I'm glad that I managed to relax with my feelings towards her, as she sadly passed away 8 years ago. She never got to meet our DS3 who was born a couple of years after she passed.

BackforGood · 02/09/2017 23:51

I don't expect the OP thought she needed to spell it out. I expect (and I know we are all projecting a bit here), but I expect she presumes how she is feeling is how all new Mums feel. I know I did. I didn't really realise how difficult things had been with my first, until I had my 2nd dc, and she was just so much easier. MN wasn't invented when I had my first - I never realised that some people were flying round the world or attending weddings or any of the other things you read about on MN at any point in the first few months. I was chuffed if I got dressed or washed my hair. If you are struggling, that is 'normal' when you have nothing to compare it with.

stolemyusername · 03/09/2017 02:45

Poor OP, you're getting a grilling here!

At one month you wouldn't have found me agreeing to spend a night away from home to facilitate my DH'a drinking, I'd be at home trying to get some sleep in as I was knackered.

I get where you're coming from by saying you 'let him' do things, as in I'm assuming you meant you were fine to be left alone with a child that is just as much his responsibility as yours, basically you agreed to take on his share of the work while he had some time off. Those calling the op controlling, do you not think that the DH has a responsibility to the baby also and that he needs to check that it's actually okay for him to go out leaving OP in sole charge?

Another poster suggested that the inlaws should come to you for a take out, suggest this, they could pick it up on the way, DH can drink without having to worry about driving home and you can sleep in your own bed. If drinking is so important to MIL then one of them can not drink so they can drive home, alternative is they could leave their car there and get a taxi, or your DH could pick them up with a take away and them still be able to get a taxi.

Sayyouwill · 03/09/2017 07:29

I like how it's casually mentioned that he wants to drink alcohol and suddenly she is facilitating his drinking, he's a borderline alcoholic, he obviously can't have fun without alcohol blah blah blah.
Maybe he just enjoys drinking? You can do that without having a problem. He also has a very young baby... perhaps the prospect of a night in with his parents, a takeaway and a few drinks sounds like bliss to him.

There is no reason why you both can't go over and then get a taxi home OP. He'll come back the next day. It's honestly not that big of a deal!
Women have been having babies forever. They don't need to be wrapped up in cotton wool and can't possibly leave the house a months later.
If you did stay, you only need to take the basics (pram if you need it, something to sleep in, something to eat, something to poop in). It really doesn't have to be a drama.

JassyRadlett · 03/09/2017 09:02

And it is amazing how often the prostrate and bleeding and leaking milk thing is brought out to explain why pils need to be kept at bay...../

But you're totally inventing a narrative here. OP isn't trying to keep the PILs 'at bay'. She's suggesting alternatives that don't involve late-night boozing, not saying she wants the PILs ostracised.

At 4 weeks I would have loathed staying at anyone else's house. Yes, life was returning to (new) normal but that didn't mean I would have been thrilled about transplanting the new normal to someone else's house without all the things in my home that made it easier to cope with a newborn.

And that's before people start making snide comments about women 'leaking from every orifice for months'.

JustMumNowNotMe · 03/09/2017 09:13

Jassy, that's the point! She doesn't have to! She can get a taxi home, its as simple as that!!! Shecis not physically joined to her husband, they can be in two places at once!

Jesus, all these women who don't seem to be able to manage one baby for one night! I have 2 under 2 and older kids, often on my own weeks at a time, including when DC2 was born, DH wasnt home until she was 3 months old! The OP needs to get a grip.

Brittbugs80 · 03/09/2017 09:26

yup giving birth totally gives you all the decisions in a marriage. Yup. he gets fuck all say

And can you imagine if it was reversed?

DH would be a control freak and OP would ask if this is the only thing he likes to control and to ltb.

Get a taxi. It's not really an issue. Yanbu to want your own bed, I always want my own bed and unless it's impossible, then I always try to get home.

O wouldn't begrudge my Husband staying at his parents to have a few drinks.

Inertia · 03/09/2017 09:35

I think you've had an unecessarily tough time on this thread OP. When I think back to DC1 being 4 weeks old I remember the hours of screaming from a colicky baby, and the cluster feeding, and the night feeds, and night time nappy changes. She was also a spectacular projectile vomiter, so PJs and a nappy bag would have been woefully inadequate for an overnight stay- we'd have needed several changes of clothing plus spare bedding. It isn't always simple. Yanbu to want to come home and deal with all that (plus your own physical issues) in your own house.

If your partner is drinking heavily at MIL's he'd be no help with the baby anyway. Why do you even need to go? They could come to see you to see the baby, and your DP could go back and drink at their house if he wanted.

tossmeacigarette · 03/09/2017 09:49

You can't reverse the situation though? Men would not be in the position of wanting their partner at nighttimes because they've given birth, they're breastfeeding, it's all still a bit new and they need support.

Support that I expect they would need less at 6 months, less at a year, etc. There is plenty of time for them both to stay out overnight so they can drink if that's what they choose.

I month old is still very new and young.

Sure lots of people don't have that support for various reasons that cannot be changed, and have to get on with it. I don't see that as relevant. That's not the OPs situation.

I am baffled by the vitriol being expressed. What is it about the idea of mothers being emotionally and physically vulnerable with tiny babies that makes people angry?

The post partum period is a significant point for possible depression. Why wouldn't we support a culture that says let's make allowances for a mothers needs during that time.

Yep OP might have an IL issue but I don't think this is the time to address it. A little understanding from her ILs at this time might go a long way to helping their relationship.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2017 09:52

Actually, I've often thought of starting a thread about this.

There's a sort of balance to be struck, and I think we do get it wrong. Obviously it's wrong for women to be expected to take childbirth completely in their stride-the 70s/80s image of day old baby under one besuited arm and briefcase and mobile phone under the other- and many women do try to do too much too soon because either they or someone else expects it of them.

But the horror image that is always presented on Mumsnet where you are unable to take part in normal life for weeks on end is also wrong. And, incidentally, I would imagine, really scary for first timers. And (feminist point coming up-do skip if you'd rather) there is something a bit misogynist about assuming women will be automatically rendered incapable by quite normal female bodily functions. It's a bit like assuming any negative emotion a woman shows is down to her period. Not all births go smoothly of course and sometimes a woman is floored by it for weeks. But is that really the norm?

Notreallyarsed · 03/09/2017 09:56

But she's not physically and emotionally vulnerable, she's pissed off because she's not getting her own way.

If OP had said something like "I'm struggling with night feeds, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm not feeling up to doing this by myself for the night, AIBU?" She would have got a resounding YANBU. But she didn't, she sounded off about her MIL and the fact her DP didn't drop everything when she said so.

FlaviaAlbia · 03/09/2017 10:00

I was wondering about starting a thread too Bertrand. I'm coming at it from the other side though, I've been rather horrified by the "well, I manged by myself" so you should just suck it style of posts. Why wouldn't you want another woman to aye an easier time than you?

Why should a woman have to do it by herself? Shouldn't the man be pulling his weight too?

I'm more inclined to think that both parents taking responsibility at the start will lead to a more equitable relationship as the child grows.

Maybe I'm part of an unlucky group but among my friends it's more common than not to have had birth injuries of various types that made life a bit harder.

RestingBitchFaced · 03/09/2017 10:01

YANBU if you don't want to then don't! The baby is only a month old, there will be plenty of time for this later. Your DP should be helping you when the baby wakes at night, or taking baby in morning for you to get a lie in not getting pissed

FlaviaAlbia · 03/09/2017 10:01

Ah, damn you autocorrect.

Graceflorrick · 03/09/2017 10:04

YANBU.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2017 10:04

"Why should a woman have to do it by herself? Shouldn't the man be pulling his weight too?"

Yes of course he should. But surely having one night off isn't "not pulling his weight?"

FlaviaAlbia · 03/09/2017 10:07

Well, at only a month with his partner not onboard with it, I'd day no.

I haven't met many people who would mind their partner having time to relax when they're coping well so I'd tend to give OP the benefit of the doubt.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2017 10:09

This is getting stranger and stranger.

She doesn't have to stay, neither of them do, they can both get a taxi back. Nothing to say he wants to get pissed, just have a few drinks.

She's not saying she's in agony, distraught, and leaking from every orifice she's saying if she does it once it might become a habit and she'd rather not.

Either way, either her alone or both of them can get a taxi back, although she's ignoring that fact for some reason. He can have a few drinks and both of them leave and stay at home.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2017 10:13

" haven't met many people who would mind their partner having time to relax when they're coping well so I'd tend to give OP the benefit of the doubt."

She has said and implied that it's nothing to do with whether she's coping or not. If she had said she wasn't coping she would have got completelydifferent responses.

Swipe left for the next trending thread