AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my in-laws?

[Lauraw1989]

Hi Ladies,

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to stop over at her house (who are a 20 minute drive away) with my 1 month year old baby so my hubby don't have to drive and he can stay up with them and have a few drinks.

We have a house cat so I worry about him being on his own overnight. Plus I just want to be in my own bed and to put my baby asleep in my own house.

Am I being unreasonable?

We've obviously read that completely differently Not Really.

I've read that as the OP wanting to avoid gettting into the rut of all 3 of them being expected to stay overnight every weekend. What she asked about was whether she should be obliged to stay over with the baby- which of course she shouldn't. The husband could still go, but that would make it crystal clear that staying out drinking overnight is a great priority than helping with overnight care of his newborn.

But the OP obviously wants to put her mil in her place

Crikey that is harsh. At 4 weeks first time around I would have burst into tears at the prospect of spending a night in someone else's house, even my own DPs. I wouldn't have spent the night with a bunch of heavy drinkers just to be a dutiful DiL. And yes I was bleeding out of every orifice, including a nipple first time, with one of the subsequents I was loading the washing a couple of hours after giving birth. MV between babies never mind individuals.

I agree with PP suggesting new mothers are afforded a degree of slack in the first couple of months - its a short enough time to accommodate odd requests.

OP: I would expect DH to drop me back and then spend the evening with his parents.

If (as I've picked up from one or two other posts) the real root of your concerns is the heavy drinking culture in the family - that is a whole different can of worms and the iL status of the people is irrelevant. I'd agree you need some clear boundaries for the future, esp if babysitting is involved.

'Grabbing a taxi' is not a huge amount of fun as the only adult with a newborn plus pram/ nappies/ changing bags (and possibly bottles/formula /steriliser) in the middle of the night. You'd do it if you had to, but there's no real need. OP has offered to visit It's for lunch or coffee, but the some purpose of visiting from the husband's point of view is to drink all night.

*ILs

Since DH and I have had kids I have been of the view we "let each other go out". Why? Because if I go out it impacts my DH, I am committing him to solo childcare, I would not do this without consultation. Not such a big deal with older kids, but can be big deal with younger ones, especially when they are not sleeping through. Vice versa. Equal parental responsibility.

It seems quite archaic to me to suggest a man going out drinking late or all night has no impact on and needs no agreement from his wife. Stinks of the attitude that childcare is a woman's sole responsibility.

I presume op has been scared away, but this thread seems to have become more about general principles (especially as it involves MIL). On that note I do think that in laws with strong views on what ongoing role the will have in their child's and potential gramdchildrens' lives should make this clear before marriage (or other commitment). These threads always show different world views, and it's not hard to see how problems will arise when these world views clash.

I said to my DP can't we just go round for a coffee or Sunday lunch he said that's boring

Did you ask DP why he thought a visit without drinking was boring? I like a glass of wine as much as the next person but I wouldn't consider a family visit boring if it didn't include drinking. Or is it something else he had in mind?

Noone but the OP can know whetehr she is being unreasonable becasue it's really down to motivation IMO.
If you feel uncomfortable being away from home with your baby then YANBU, we're all different.

I said to my DP can't we just go round for a coffee or Sunday lunch he said that's boring
He wants to drink. I get that.
I also get that it's fucking dull as dishwater sitting around tired and sober as shit watching other people drinking.

I have not read the full thread- ultimately you are a grown woman- if you don't want to stay over at someone's house, then you don't have to and you don't need to feel guilty about that or worry about whether or not you are being reasonable.
Personally at one month post partum I would have been desperate for my own bed and all my baby's stuff, but in some ways that is irrelevant- even if you had everything necessary for a 4 week old, you can still choose to go home.
Learn to drive- you will be much less vulnerable to people pulling this kind of stunt and putting the guilt on you.

Since DH and I have had kids I have been of the view we "let each other go out"

Yes we took the same view - it just seemed basic courtesy and common sense to check for clashes/problems when small children are involved. I don't think either of us saw it as controlling, just basic consideration.

And (feminist point coming up-do skip if you'd rather) there is something a bit misogynist about assuming women will be automatically rendered incapable by quite normal female bodily functions.

And it's also quite misogynistic to suggest that a woman four weeks out from giving birth should suppress the discomfort caused by natural but pretty bloody unpleasant after-effects of giving birth to enable another adult's desire to have her/the baby stay the night.

My view on this is that if the DH can't get by without a night on the piss at his parents' (coffee is boring! Diddums) he should stay sober, drop OP and the baby home safely (using the child's car seat, not in a bloody taxi - not all car seats are easily transferable), go back and keep drinking then get a taxi home himself. He's the one gettting a 'night off', he should take the inconvenience.

Or go on his own.

But as OP is saying her MIL is making her feel unreasonable for wanting to sleep in her own bed a short drive away, I suspect it might be slightly more complicated than that.

OP - on the offchance you're still around, don't take the encouragement of those on this thread who would have you be a martyr or a doormat. Having given birth doesn't mean you have to put your own needs and wants behind everyone else's, all the time.

yy Jassy