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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my in-laws?

262 replies

Lauraw1989 · 02/09/2017 16:09

Hi Ladies,

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to stop over at her house (who are a 20 minute drive away) with my 1 month year old baby so my hubby don't have to drive and he can stay up with them and have a few drinks.

We have a house cat so I worry about him being on his own overnight. Plus I just want to be in my own bed and to put my baby asleep in my own house.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 02/09/2017 20:17

I just don't understand why you can't go to bed early and let them get on with it. Sounds like they enjoy socialising with their son. Heaven forbid!
Christ so many awful mil stories and you're annoyed they want a takeaway with their family.
Just don't go if you don't want to get involved. And maybe he wants more of a relationship than a "coffee" of an afternoon or the occasional Sunday Lunch

If you think they have a serious drinking problem and are a danger then that's a different thing altogether. But it doesn't sound like it to me!
My Pil used to love cooking dinner and sitting up drinking with us, the nieces n nephews upstairs in bed. Everyone could relax and it was a good time had by all.

YouTheCat · 02/09/2017 20:19

YANBU. No way would I have wanted to be anywhere other than my own bed 4 weeks post birth. You're trying to establish routine and get a bit of sleep. You're probably still getting used to being a parent.

Plus they sound like they like to go over the top with drink. I'd bet my bottom dollar you'll end up with a drunk mil playing mum at 2am and then getting all offended when you say you don't want her being drunk and carrying your baby. I'd stay home.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 02/09/2017 20:23

Go home.

He can't make you stay. You can't make him go.

You can make your own choices though.

For what it's worth I wouldn't stay either. I like my own bed and I dislike staying at other people's houses unless it's an absolute necessity.

Go home and leave them to their drinks and their possible hangovers.

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 20:28

AlternativeTentacle have you read any of OPs posts? She makes it quite clear "they" won't be staying, not her and the baby, but all of them. That is her issue.

JassyRadlett · 02/09/2017 20:32

Oh yes, I forgot. Mumsnetters are leaking from every orifice for months after giving birth......

Not every orifice, but at 4 weeks my vagina was still going gangbusters and my urethra wasn't the least leaky of orifices after 9 and 10 pounders.

My ears were ok though.

Interesting comment. Hmm

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 21:06

Yes of course most people are still bleeding 4 weeks after giving birth. But I hate this horror narrative that women are incapable of anything approaching normal life for weeks and weeks after having babies. Obviously some people aren't. But most of us are certainly returning to normal after 4 weeks. And it is amazing how often the prostrate and bleeding and leaking milk thing is brought out to explain why pils need to be kept at bay...../

Daydreamerbynight · 02/09/2017 21:10

Would a new Mum leave a one month old to sleep in a different house?

Bumdishcloths · 02/09/2017 21:13

@BertrandRussell I'm a homebody at the best of times, and this desire would increase with bleeding/breastfeeding/tiredness/MIL issues/baby regardless of distance or who it was proposed I stay with. Terribly sorry that we're not all pedalling the stiff upper lip/get over it attitude.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 21:18

No need for stiff upper lip. Just go go home with the baby and leave dp to spend the evening with his parents.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2017 21:20

OP you're not answering the question- why can't you get a taxi?

This. Weird thread, you don't need to stay. Hop a taxi.

Is it the case you don't want to socialise with this drunken nightmare of a mil, who lives in a shit tip. but want to use her for childcare two or three days a week and happy to send your child there then?

fabulous01 · 02/09/2017 21:20

Sleep where you want to sleep. Did the rest

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 21:22

"OP you're not answering the question- why can't you get a taxi?"

Because dp is supposed to jump to her tune.

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 21:28

No need for stiff upper lip. Just go go home with the baby and leave dp to spend the evening with his parents.

This! Why is it so out there? If a man was demanding his partner was stuck to his side 24/7 and unable to socialise with family/friends, we'd all be screaming LTB he's abusive. Assuming no complications (none have been mentioned) post partum, there is absolutely no reason OP cannot go home with the baby and leave her DP with his parents. Other than it doesn't suit her and she doesn't want to.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 02/09/2017 21:43

This is a v weird thread. My DS is currently 6 weeks old, if DH had wanted to sleep at his parents' place at 4 weeks without me I'd have been distraught! I was surviving on 2-3 hrs sleep per night, if it wasn't for DH taking over at 6am for a couple of hours I'd have been suicidal (I'm not saying that flippantly). If he'd been drinking heavily he wouldn't be able to help out overnight, why should OP be the default parent here? Why isn't her DP expected to take a turn?

Also, to those suggesting a taxi - what about a car seat? It's a complete PITA to move it from one car to another, and difficult to fit it correctly in a car that's not your own (70% of UK car seats are incorrectly fitted).

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/09/2017 21:52

The OP is not u reasonable to want to sleep at home, in her own bed, with the baby in their own cot, especially at only 4 weeks post partum. Her dh is not u reasonable to want to have a drink and a takeaway at his mum's.

The taxi home that's been suggested so many times is the reasonable answer to this problem.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/09/2017 21:53

Darn -she is not unreasonable - why don't I proof read properly.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 21:53

Ahedgehog- in those circumstances then of course the dp should go home with the op and not stay with his parents. But there has been no suggestion that the OP is having the hard time you did. Many people don't.

FlaviaAlbia · 02/09/2017 21:55

Bertrand you're really giving the OP a kicking here. It's a bit unfair.

By a month after birth I could just about walk comfortably, was shattered and pumping 7 hrs a day. I would have wept at the prospect of lugging pumps, bottles, muslins, nappies, creams, outfit changes to go to a house where drinking until 3am was the order of the day.

I agree with @across, there's definitely a hint of alcohol related issues with the DH and the MIL in he OP's posts.

stitchglitched · 02/09/2017 21:56

Why can't the ILs take OP up on her offer to have the evening at her place instead? Her DP can then have a drink and still be on hand first thing in the morning to help with the baby and OP can remain comfortable in her own home.

Maelstrop · 02/09/2017 21:58

Don't think the OP is being even slightly unreasonable to want to go home. Mil likely to drink til 3am, if OP is feeding, she'll be up and down in a 'shit tip' and given she posted at about 4pm, she is unlikely to have brought enough nappies or formula for an overnight stay, nor will she have enough pads, change of clothes etc for herself. They're 20 minutes away and she has said she has invited the Pil to her house. She's not unreasonable and I'm wondering if all those calling her out for making a fuss have actually read the full thread.

NataliaOsipova · 02/09/2017 22:01

I don't think I'd want to go and stay with anybody who only lived 20 minutes away. I'd always much prefer to sleep in my own bed. When I had a small baby? Not a chance.

stitchglitched · 02/09/2017 22:06

I find it bizarre that the one in this situation who gave birth 4 weeks ago and is the main carer of a newborn is also the one who is apparently supposed to capitulate to what the others want. It isn't unreasonable not to want your partner and co-parent to have a sleepover elsewhere when you are knackered and want help with the baby 4 weeks in. It also isn't unreasonable to not want to sleep elsewhere yourself.

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:08

Yet another bizarre MN thread. I absolutely still was leaking from everywhere 4 weeks after my first. I was still hugely, hugely shellshocked, in agony and would absolutely not have been getting in a taxi on my own with my baby while my DP pissed about. The difference is it would not have happened. No way would he have been having numerous nights out at that stage either and I am far from controlling at other times.

Great if other people find having a new baby easy. I found it absolutely fucking terrifying and hate, hate this idea that women should just get on with it with no help. Strongly suspect it contributes to PND.

I actually did stay with my in laws 3 weeks after birth. We packed the kitchen sink (I bottle fed and needed stuff for that), it was planned and people did jump to my tune. As they bloody should do to any new mum's tune. This makes me so mad!

You are so, so not being unreasonable OP.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 22:08

"y a month after birth I could just about walk comfortably, was shattered and pumping 7 hrs a day. I would have wept at the prospect of lugging pumps, bottles, muslins, nappies, creams, outfit changes to go to a house where drinking until 3am was the order of the day."
And if the OP had said that she was only just able to walk and was shattered, then of course her OP should stay with her. She hasn't said anything of the sort. Anyone who is pumping 7 hours a day shouldn't have to go anywhere she doesn't want to. But the OP hasn't said she is doing anything like that.

FlaviaAlbia · 02/09/2017 22:11

But does she have to? Why would she have to go into detail she might not want to share just so some randomer online will go, oh, ok then, you're allowed to want to sleep in your own bed with your DH.

I wouldn't have said any of that at the time because it was so bloody traumatic. I couldn't have carried DS in a car seat into the house myself from a taxi, maybe OP would struggle too.