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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my in-laws?

262 replies

Lauraw1989 · 02/09/2017 16:09

Hi Ladies,

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to stop over at her house (who are a 20 minute drive away) with my 1 month year old baby so my hubby don't have to drive and he can stay up with them and have a few drinks.

We have a house cat so I worry about him being on his own overnight. Plus I just want to be in my own bed and to put my baby asleep in my own house.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:14

Yes at 4 weeks I could barely have a conversation without bursting into tears. I would be so, so mad at my DH and in laws if they pulled a stunt like that!

Maelstrop · 02/09/2017 22:15

Doesn't mean she isn't, Bertrand, maybe she has serious bleeding, maybe she has other issues, maybe she's in agony. Who knows?

I would say, as an adult, she has the choice to go home and should do so, whether it be by taxi or DP. If her DP outright refuses, I'd be sodding cross on her behalf. Why does it always have to be evening and a 'few drinks'? Why can't it be coffee in the afternoon at hers or take away and drinks at hers so the DP is at least present?

stitchglitched · 02/09/2017 22:15

OP shouldn't have to prove she is suffering in order to have her wishes respected. She has stated that she is 4 weeks post partum and doesn't want to go. That should be enough.

missmollyhadadolly · 02/09/2017 22:16

Did OP answer why a cab is a no-go?

Or a lift home from H?

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:19

A cab is a no go because it is the principal of the thing! She has a 4 week old Angry. Very annoyed on your behalf OP.

I would not have had the confidence at 4 weeks to get a cab on my own with a baby. Presumably by now husband has been drinking so can't drive her home.

BackforGood · 02/09/2017 22:19

Am surprised at the amount of people being (IMO) quite harsh on the OP.
When my pfb was one month old I was still very fragile. dh understood that and wouldn't have been suggesting staying over. All the people saying 'get a taxi' does enable her to get to her own bed, but I think just 4 weeks into new motherhood a decent man would be wanting to support his wife / partner - share the getting up in the night, etc., as well as physically getting the baby, car seat, and all the paraphanalia into the house, etc..
I realise some people have quick easy births, followed by easy, sleeping babies who take to feeding well, but a lot of us don't, and are still trying to cope with life 4 weeks in.

Gooseberrytart4 · 02/09/2017 22:24

I was totally knackered at 4 weeks post birth. Leaking everywhere. Sore boobs. Desperate for sleep. Needing quiet time. No way would I want to sleep anywhere other then my own bed particularly if people are up till 3am getting drunk below me. Either he drives you home and then returns to stay over/drink or you get a taxi

Gooseberrytart4 · 02/09/2017 22:28

He should drive you home and return for a rowdy night up.

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:31

He should have driven her home and then stayed at home with his wife and new baby! Awful unsupportive behaviour by in laws too.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 22:32

"She has stated that she is 4 weeks post partum and doesn't want to go."
And she doesn't have to. As everyone has said all along.

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:34

At 4 weeks after a first baby, if she doesn't go, he shouldn't go either.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 22:37

"At 4 weeks after a first baby, if she doesn't go, he shouldn't go either."

Because women are incapable of looking after a baby overnight without help??

tossmeacigarette · 02/09/2017 22:38

I think exhaustion is fairly typical for a mum of a one month old.
It's certainly not unusual.
It can be difficult to admit it's not easy when you're in the middle of it.

FlaviaAlbia · 02/09/2017 22:38

I think I'd be rather ashamed of my DS and myself if he'd choose to stay at my house and drink rather than stay with his wife and newborn.

He's only a child now but I hope to raise him to be a decent partner who'd decline to do that even if I wanted it.

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 22:41

Fucks sake it's like stepping back into Victorian times where women took to bed for weeks after childbirth Confused (again I am NOT referring to traumatic/difficult births requiring extensive recovery).

OP doesn't want him to go, she's phrased it like an abusive husband would, and is stamping her foot because he won't do as he's told. Give and take is a a huge part of a relationship, when ours were small DP and I took turns to let the other sleep, so it wouldn't have bothered me if he'd wanted a night with his family. Equally it wouldn't have bothered him if I'd wanted one. We're a team not velcroed together!

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:41

Maybe yes if they are finding it especially difficult! It's bad enough women have to carry the baby, give birth, feed, be in pain, changed body, changed role in life, etc etc. The least their partner can do is make them some food, moral support and a cup of tea.

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 22:43

YY Flavia, I have DDs but would be absolutely appalled if my children behaved like that in future and I enabled it.

Can't see how it is teamwork to emotionally blackmail the OP into going out and staying out when she is not ready.

FlaviaAlbia · 02/09/2017 22:44

Fucks sake it's like stepping back into Victorian times

Yes, where the women stay at home with the babies while the man goes out drinking...

Bumdishcloths · 02/09/2017 22:56

At the end of the day, it took two people to make this baby - why should OP have to cope on her own if she doesn't feel up to it? Also she's not said he can't see his parents, from what I gather they were already there and then much like a child requesting a sleepover, the idea of an overnight stay has been sprung on her so she looks like the bad guy for saying no. Totally unfair. If the child was 6 months old I'd have a rather different opinion but I think everyone is being rather harsh tbh.

tossmeacigarette · 02/09/2017 23:01

I don't know much about the postpartum period in Victorian times, but what would be so wrong with new mothers getting lots of rest (and family being attentive)? Why would that make you angry?

missmollyhadadolly · 02/09/2017 23:13

Rainbowbrite why the face? That's your guess, not OP's reason.

I'd rather hear from OP, so we can understand and help, and not your guesses, as you are not the OP or the thread police.

PrimalLass · 02/09/2017 23:16

1.You need to learn to drive.

I can drive but wasn't supposed to 4 weeks after birth.

OP YANBU.

RainbowBriteRules · 02/09/2017 23:16

Point taken! This topic really really annoys me but will step away before I get more annoyed.

BackforGood · 02/09/2017 23:17

Because women are incapable of looking after a baby overnight without help??

At just 4 weeks in, a lot of women are finding life difficult, yes. Some aren't, and I'm delighted for them, but a lot are. OK, you have to if you are a single Mum or partner works away or something, but that isn't the case here. I've read it that the OP is being made out to be miserable for not wanting to 'just stay over' at a time when she is quite possibly still feeling vulnerable. A new Dad (and quite frankly, the Grandparents of new baby) should be sensitive to that, not making the new mother feel bad.
I'm in no way velcro-ed to dh. We go out without each other far more than together, but I wasn't ready at just 4 weeks after having my first, when I was, quite frankly shell shocked.

PrimalLass · 02/09/2017 23:17

Oh yes, I forgot. Mumsnetters are leaking from every orifice for months after giving birth......

Oh how nice. It's quite normal at 4 weeks.

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