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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my in-laws?

262 replies

Lauraw1989 · 02/09/2017 16:09

Hi Ladies,

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to stop over at her house (who are a 20 minute drive away) with my 1 month year old baby so my hubby don't have to drive and he can stay up with them and have a few drinks.

We have a house cat so I worry about him being on his own overnight. Plus I just want to be in my own bed and to put my baby asleep in my own house.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 02/09/2017 18:40

@Lauraw1989, I understand a bit better, if she's drinking that much. It will be hard for your DP not to be sucked in. You don't want him hung over and potentially driving back home still over the limit the next day.

A good reason to stay over then. If he's helping you with nappy changes he won't be drinking so much. And you can drive back the following morning.

Don't worry about the cat, he/she will be fine. Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2017 18:45

Twitter OP mentions 'drinking' a few times in her posts. She asked DH 'does it always have to be drinks, can't just go for coffee' (paraphrasing). Maybe it's just a smoke screen/excuse for not wanting to be at her iLs. But maybe she has a concern for her DH, whether unfounded or real. I'm not saying that people shouldn't drink. I'll knock back a few myself. I'm saying that IF she has a concern about it, she needs to deal with it.

tossmeacigarette · 02/09/2017 18:48

I suppose I think it's implicit that most, not all, women are susceptible to feeling vulnerable when babies are young and it's all quite new.

Just based on tiredness alone, i recall a number of friends who were tired when their babies were still a month old but thought they had to be a cool wife/partner and be undemanding - but actually they were exhausted. I think lots of women find the early months hard work. (Clearly not all women do.)

I don't think op wanted to stop him seeing his parents. Just not for boozy late nights. I don't think my ex had late nights or more than the occasional pint when our DC were little.

Sometimes he had to work away and I managed fine. But otherwise I really appreciated the nighttime company/help.

I guess others cope fine but it sounds like OP would prefer him to go home with her. I think given he has a boozy family that is not unreasonable.

I'm not uptight generally. I am sat with Wine just now.
Nor am I a MIL hater. I still spend time with my exILs.

But I think not wanting your H out boozing when you have a tiny baby isn't unreasonable.

Said wine drinking means I should probably stop posting for the evening!

dnwig · 02/09/2017 18:51

Yanbu not to want to stay over with such a young baby.

I would probably have stayed, to please my inlaws, at this stage. But I am now older and (maybe!) wiser, and less likely to please others at the expense of my own needs/ wants. I wish I'd learned sooner that I don't have to please everyone all the time!

It's ok to wait till the baby is older before staying over, if that's what you'd prefer.

stuckforagoodnickname · 02/09/2017 18:54

Did you have the baby early, OP? Because at the end of January you said that you're one month pregnant.

You also don't seem to want your mil to have much to do with the baby:

I read lots of advice on her about annoying MILs saying it's mine and DP's child so we make up the rules. I just pray DP chooses to take my side more and not his DMs.

But you don't mind her looking after the baby 2-3 days a week when you go back to work (which might be why she bought the cot?)

Merida83 · 02/09/2017 18:55

YANBU not at all!!!

You have a tiny newborn of course it's reasonable to want to be in the comfort of your own home with easy access to anything and everything baby needs.
Even just one night away with such a little baby is an utter pain with all that's needed to be packed etc. And for the little sleep I'm sure you're getting you'll get more/better quality if in your own bed and baby is in theirs.

Your dh needs to say sorry mum that doesn't suit us at this stage - and for bloody obvious reasons!!!

JustMumNowNotMe · 02/09/2017 18:58

Oh for gods sake, stop being so ridiculous. You don't want to stay, fine, get a taxi home and leave them to it. You aren't joined to the hip, you don't have to be together all the time!

JustMumNowNotMe · 02/09/2017 18:59

dh needs to say sorry mum that doesn't suit us at this stage - and for bloody obvious reasons!!!

Why "we"?! If Op doesn't want to stay that's fine but why can't her husband?!

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 19:02

"Your dh needs to say sorry mum that doesn't suit us at this stage - and for bloody obvious reasons!!!"

Why?

ZenNudist · 02/09/2017 19:02

Another vote for OP learning to drive and or getting taxi.

I wouldnt usually stay somewhere if my house was 20mins away.

I think you need to realise that its fine for your dh to drink sometimes, maybe not to excess when you have a young baby. Like you i suspect ulterior motive if this has only become an issue now. Stand firm on not staying over. Maybe tone down the prim attitude.

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2017 19:02

What is all this stuff a 4 week old baby needs?

Daydreamerbynight · 02/09/2017 19:05

TBH, if you are not already there, I wouldn't even go. If you are already there, it sounds like staying the night has been sprung on you, which is pretty unfair. I imagine you are pretty tired and want the comfort of your own bed, especially if you are breastfeeding. Getting a taxi with a one month old and going into an empty house is also not that much fun. I really sympathise with you.

Daydreamerbynight · 02/09/2017 19:09

Bertrandrussell, changes of clothes, nappies, wipes, cream, muslins, breastpump/bottles/steriliser/formula, blanket/gro bag, maybe a toy.

minoandolphin · 02/09/2017 19:11

learn to drive yes very helpful. I'm sure OP will be able to learn to drive in the next few days with a 1 month old.

Op, if you don't want to go, don't go. It's unreasonable to try to control everything your Dh does but equally he can't force you to go anywhere if you'd rather not. You don't have to do everything together.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/09/2017 19:15

I was all for you staying until l saw the drinking until 3 in the morning. Im a big supporter of mils seeing their gks and even having them sleeping over the odd time but no to a house with a drunken granny.

Rachie1973 · 02/09/2017 19:24

The drinking til 3am? Every night? Or just sometimes when its a social event? I do that occasionally, I love parties.

I just don't see an issue..... I also don't like the term 'I let him'.

Just get a cab home.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 19:33

For some people "I let him" is just a turn of phrase. It doesn't mean anything more than, "I'm happy if he does these things."

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 19:34

BertrandRussell, do you not think the OP's husband should perhaps stay with her when the baby's so young, rather than go on drinking binges with his mum?

AlternativeTentacle · 02/09/2017 19:49

Oh yes, I forgot. Mumsnetters are leaking from every orifice for months after giving birth......

I have never had a child, don't leak [as far as I know] and I still wouldn't want to stay at the inlaws for random reasons just so that my OH can get pissed with them...I'd drive myself home or get a cab thank you very much. The OP is allowed a fucking opinion on the matter of where she sleeps at night.

Notreallyarsed · 02/09/2017 20:02

The OP is allowed a fucking opinion on the matter of where she sleeps at night. It would appear her DP isn't afforded the same courtesy.

AlternativeTentacle · 02/09/2017 20:03

It would appear her DP isn't afforded the same courtesy.

Nobody is stopping him from staying the night are they?

Scoleah · 02/09/2017 20:08

I don't think your unreasonable OP!
I get asked this by my In laws all the time- they are a 10min drive from my house.
I Did not & Do not want to stay in their house with a Baby, it's not my house & it's not what me & my child are used to.
I get called Boring, Hitler , ruining the night etc because I won't stay, my son is 15 Months now & they just accept that I won't now so they don't bother asking Grin

Scoleah · 02/09/2017 20:09

I normally go home with the Kids at their normal bedtime & listen to the echos of hitler, Boring in the background .
I leave my DH there with the house key it's easier!

ljny · 02/09/2017 20:10

Op, did you go? Did you get a cab?

I'm a gran, and I love having them visit - but it's up to you, not your MIL, especially with a newborn and sleepless nights. She should respect that.

LespritDescalier · 02/09/2017 20:11

My MIL is obsessed with having my DS over night she brought a cot when I was pregnant even though I told her we wasn't planning to stop over

She bought a cot. Different word.

So just go home then, let him stay there. And is it month old or year old?