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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to stop over at my in-laws?

262 replies

Lauraw1989 · 02/09/2017 16:09

Hi Ladies,

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want to stop over at her house (who are a 20 minute drive away) with my 1 month year old baby so my hubby don't have to drive and he can stay up with them and have a few drinks.

We have a house cat so I worry about him being on his own overnight. Plus I just want to be in my own bed and to put my baby asleep in my own house.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
dolcezza99 · 03/09/2017 10:17

Oh for god's sake. Another one of the "I don't drive" brigade expecting her husband to cater to her whims. Learn to bloody drive, for god's sake, then you wouldn't have this problem, would you? Be a grownup.

FlaviaAlbia · 03/09/2017 10:20

Bert I suppose there's so little info to go on really, you read that, I read a hint of alcoholism. Everyone brings their own experiences to the table.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 03/09/2017 10:22

Wow, op, you're getting a really hard time on this thread.

I think a lot of yes can empathise with not wanting to sleep in a chaotic house with a newborn. If there was a good reason then ok, you'd cope, but just so the dh can have a drink? No. Nor would I have wanted you get a taxi home alone with a newborn. I'm not pathetic or incapable generally, but a month in I was fragile and exhausted. I don't think that's remotely unusual.

YouTheCat · 03/09/2017 10:25

Dolce, the OP is 4 weeks post partum and may not have been allowed to drive even if she was able.

Also, all those saying 'just get a taxi', do taxis generally have car seats for newborns?

Inertia · 03/09/2017 10:35

If a new mother and baby are in fine health and want to stay overnight with family / drive long distances / go hiking with the baby's father then great, as long as the woman gets a choice. The OP doesn't want to go to stay at her MIL's overnight. Why should having a newborn baby render her unable to have autonomy over where she stays?

If her partner wants to stay up all night drinking then she can't really stop him, though it shows where his prioritise lie. But the OP is not obliged to go along to MIL's house with the baby as well- the partner could go alone, then nobody needs to travel back the same night.

tossmeacigarette · 03/09/2017 10:37

The get a grip mentality hardly makes it easy for women to easily admit to not coping.

I suppose maybe it comes down to different experiences post childbirth.
With the women I know exhaustion and being less emotionally robust because of that was absolutely the norm at one month.
No need to flag it up as something odd.

something a bit misogynist about assuming women will be automatically rendered incapable by quite normal female bodily functions.

You wouldn't say this i assume about expectations 1 day after childbirth, nor I expect 1 week? So the logic doesn't hold for me. Again maybe its about different expectations/experiences by the 4 week point.
[Obviously I mean needing support or similar rather than "rendered incapable"]

I would imagine, really scary for first timers I think the actual experience can be a bit scary for some mothers (not all) and would be less so if the expectation was that this is tough for a while, it's ok not to be Superwoman, you might not get back to normal quickly, don't pressure yourself (and actually normal will not be as you know it!).

We have quite different views about what is typically mumsnet. I read a lot of the "get a grip, you've had a baby, women have been doing it forever type etc" sentiment.

I suppose reflecting the very different experiences women have. But the problems of PND is real for many women.

I do think OP might have a different approach to alcohol than many posters here and to her DH. I think Across was probably quite astute in spotting that.

I find the discussion interesting although I agree for this particular OP there are several issues at play.

Notreallyarsed · 03/09/2017 10:39

The get a grip mentality hardly makes it easy for women to easily admit to not coping

Telling someone who is suffering from PND, a traumatic birth, struggling to cope or in pain to get a grip is not ok and it's also not what has happened here. Telling someone who is having a strop because they're not getting their own way to get a grip is pretty reasonable. After all this if OP had a reason other than "I don't want to stay so I'm not letting him stay either" better believe she'd have given it.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 03/09/2017 10:40

I think you need to learn to drive. But equally if I couldn't drive for some reason I would expect DH to stay sober so we could go home together.

I am Confused at the idea that 'spending time with parents' = drinking.

I wonder if all these people trilling 'get a taxi' are actually non drivers who have had to abandon DH with a one month baby under one arm.

I also think if I started a thread titled 'AIBU to make DH stay over at X so I can have a drink' the replies would be different.

MissEDashwood · 03/09/2017 10:40

How was your relationship with them pre baby, pre pregnancy?

It sounds like you have set ideas on what you should do. Wouldn't it be nice to have a take out & relax? Have MIL cooing over baby? I'm guessing she'll have a glass of wine not be totally off her face.

Sometimes we compromise and find it was actually fun. The preconceptions weren't so bad.

With the in laws you don't need to go to much effort clothes / hair wise. It'll be a welcome change of scenergy I'm sure.

On the flip side imagine having relatives not interested, so no social life at all.

PurpleDaisies · 03/09/2017 10:42

It's one night. I don't see why the dh couldn't just go on his own to see his parents, stay over and drivd back the next day.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2017 10:42

"The get a grip mentality hardly makes it easy for women to easily admit to not coping"

Absolutely. I agree.

But the OP has not given the slightest hint that she is not coping.

Inertia · 03/09/2017 10:43

I think what I'm gettting at is that some women take childbirth and new motherhood in their stride, others have physical/mental repurcussions to deal with, and some are exhausted or overwhelmed. Just because some women breeze through, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't make allowances for others. Childbirth can take a heavy toll on women's bodes, it isn't mysoginist to make allowances for that.

And having a baby certainly does not mean that a new mother stops having the right to make choices about where she sleeps or who she visits.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 03/09/2017 10:44

I'm guessing she'll have a glass of wine not be totally off her face.

The OP actually said that MIL will be up till 3am. I suspect if she was a one glass of wine type this whole thread wouldn't be an issue.

Inertia · 03/09/2017 10:46

But even if she is coping perfectly well, there is nothing wrong with just not wanting to stay overnight at someone else's house.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2017 10:46

"And having a baby certainly does not mean that a new mother stops having the right to make choices about where she sleeps or who she visits."

Of course not. But it also doesn't necessarily give her the right to tell anyone else where they should sleep or who they should visit.

Notreallyarsed · 03/09/2017 10:47

One, maybe two posters have said she'd be unreasonable not to go. Everyone else has said of course she's not unreasonable not to go, the unreasonable comes in when she's demanding her partner doesn't go either.

Inertia · 03/09/2017 10:58

I think I've missed a post by the OP in that case? Can't see one where she's demanded that the partner doesn't go either.

Notreallyarsed · 03/09/2017 11:02

Inertia then why couldn't he drop her home and go back to his parents'? The post about it becoming a habit is pretty unambiguous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 11:03

I've read through a few of ops other posts. Her mil sounds overbearing with an agenda that her gc must spend the night at her house and there seems to be an issue with alcohol in the family. Op said herself that alcohol no longer interests her. I'm assuming her dh is struggling to make the changeover from being a couple to a family. He is now a family and therefore his wife and child are his primary relationship. Not his parents. It sounds as if op wants to spend time with her in laws but not around alcohol. Hence the suggestion of meeting on a Sunday, which was poo poo'd. It would appear her dh can't have fun with his mother unless alcohol is involved. I suspect this is more the issue. But as op doesn't seem to be coming back, we can only speculate.

Inertia · 03/09/2017 11:04

He could - where has she said he can't?

MissEDashwood · 03/09/2017 11:07

My thing is OP has an issue with the state of the in laws house, how MIL will happily stay up till 3am drinking, something about them having a cat. Oh and MIL has had the audacity to buy a cot when OP said no.

Is anyone thinking unless conceived alone, Dad has a say too. She hasn't said how she's feeding, just that she wants her own bed. I'm suspecting waking up in the messy house isn't her idea of a relaxing Sunday. She hasn't mentioned pain or any issues, just issues she has with MIL for wanting to spend time with DC.

There will be times when you cherish your MIL and the offer of a bit of help, I think someone said she's doing the childcare for you. It'd be a bit off if the contact was a convenience based subject. Oh you can have DC whilst I work, but no other times.

I think we often forget Dad's have a say too. Your options were he goes alone and you stay in with cat and baby, you both go & then you get a taxi home, or you stay the night and discover life isn't all that bad after all. Unless you'll be breathtesting all who want to hold baby, who may be slightly hungover.

What happens when OH is let off his leash? Does he get up as normal first thing to do baby stuff or do you cope ok solo & he takes over later so you can have a bit of a rest?

It does sound like your issue is MIL and your boundaries. But I fear seeing as it's been mentioned she's being utilised for childcare saving you a fortune, at some point you will have to compromise. It won't be as bad as you think.

The best way of putting it is, if it was your family, how would that play out?

Notreallyarsed · 03/09/2017 11:07

I think if I let it go the once it will be an all the time thing. She always invites us round for a takeaway and drinks. I said to my DP can't we just go round for a coffee or Sunday lunch he said that's boring.

Us, not him is what OP says here. If she had no issue with him staying but her going home, she would have said so. She had an issue with him drinking with his parents.

HiJenny35 · 03/09/2017 11:20

OP ignore the crap on here.
You are totally within your rights not to sleep anywhere you do not feel comfortable with or without a 4 week old. It's obviously isn't as easy as jump in a cab with a four week old, learning how to put the car seat in an unusual car is a pain and you will probably get pressure from oh and mil to stay once you are there. Considering you have a new baby I think oh is a selfish twat for not being able to not drink and wait a couple of months for you to feel more secure, no one is saying he can't see his family but seeing doesn't have to equal drinking. However if he is going to drink then I'd just stay at home and let him go on his own. Hardly fun for you not drinking and looking after the baby while they get half cut. They can't hold the baby or help if they are drinking so what's the point to being there when you could be in your own home with all of your things to hand.
You shouldn't have to learn to drive, you aren't asking a great deal of oh and it's pathetic if someone needs alcohol so much that they can't handle a night without it to support their partner and new baby.

MissEDashwood · 03/09/2017 11:26

It does seem to be (sign) if we go round once then they'll expect it more.

I get the untidiness thing, but my two were looked after with a relative with pets. Once moving they go everywhere. It actually proved to be good, as even though they went Montessori we had no tummy bugs till 3, no snuffles. So the lack of it being pristine, plus myself BF, we feel, played a part in their immunity.

It can't be that bad if she's going to provide childcare for you.

Possibly in her mind she's thinking it'd be a nice change of scenery / routine for you both.

If you're not happy in the future, tell him I'll come till this time then grab a taxi, you can chill with your parents.

That way it's a compromise and it looks like you're saying have the night off. That's if you're still not keen on staying.

To the poster who said about 3am drinking sessions, I hadn't got that far. But you can drink till 3am and not be legless if it's just a glass of wine here and there. Not gulping down a bottle an hour.

I understand how OP feels about drinking, the easiest thing to do would be to leave them to it.

Donttouchthethings · 03/09/2017 11:28

OP, I don't think you're BU.

This struck me:

My MIL thinks I'm being unreasonable

I think this is your issue. Not what she thinks, but what YOU think about what she thinks.

Let her think what she likes. It's fine. Stop worrying about it. Be clear, calm and strong in what you want to do.