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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite friend's DD over?

162 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:10

My friend has a DD who is starting school shortly. The DD pees herself most days. They've taken her to a doctor etc, and basically the issue appears to be that there is no deterrent for doing it (which is what I always expected). Much like my SS, if they are engrossed in what they are doing then they'd rather not have to get up and go to the loo. The parents don't really discipline the child, and I think she enjoys the attention she gets from doing it. She's only really happy when she's the centre of attention, so I think it's all related. All this is an aside really, just wanted to explain that I don't think the child has any serious underlying issues, just that it's behavioural (she's had tests for cystitis etc).

The last time the child visited, she wet herself (narrowly avoiding my sofa) and then, after running around with no knickers on, nearly pooed on the floor (her Mum only just noticed the 'poo dance' in time). I find it super stressful having her over, I'm always on edge wondering if she's going to pee on the sofa (this has happened at another friend's house) or if she'll pee the bed (sometimes they 'put her to bed' at mine so they can stay late).

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
shivermytimbers · 02/09/2017 09:14

I don't think you should have her round at all because you don't seem like a very nice friend. Far too judgy.

gingergenius · 02/09/2017 09:15
Glumglowworm · 02/09/2017 09:16

If you think a small child should be disciplined for wetting themselves then you're not the sort of person who should have small children visit them

NormaSmuff · 02/09/2017 09:16

Can you meet outside?
does she use a potty?
Can you encourage regular use of your loo?

Pengggwn · 02/09/2017 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 02/09/2017 09:19

Go to the park/picnic/ seaside and then if you are wanting to chat late do it on separate days and tell them adult only. There could be any number of reasons why she is not dry which aren't really your issue.

Original poster
PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:19

@NormaSmuff she doesn't use a potty, and when I suggest she uses the loo 'just to see' (esp if she's doing the wee dance), DD throws a tantrum...

OP posts:
Original poster
PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:19

@penggwn She's 4

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 02/09/2017 09:20

Do you have kids? I think you seem very judgmental of your friends parenting. It's not unreasonable to not want your house and furniture soiling but I think you're being harsh to your friend.
Also has this child actually seen a specialist or is the lack of deterrent s theory the GP has come up with?

Squeezed · 02/09/2017 09:20

YADBU and clearly don't understand continence issues.

Original poster
PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:21

@Glumglowworm I'm not suggesting she get a smack or anything! But 'DD, you really need to use the toilet next time!' would surely be useful? And a timeout if she continues to wee where she shouldn't? We're talking about a 4-year-old here, not someone who has just started potty training

OP posts:
Aridane · 02/09/2017 09:22

YANBU to not want to have her round

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 02/09/2017 09:24

I totally agree, OP. I will always remember when I was 5 and a girl in my class whispered that she was going to wet herself so the TA would come over and cuddle her. And she did. And, wouldn't you know it, the teacher took her out, cleaned her up and say with her for ages afterwards.

So, anyone who thinks children of this age wetting themselves can only be an underlying/psychological problem is so wrong. Vindictiveness starts early.

In answer to your question, OP, I would be honest with your friend and explain that her DD wetting herself in your house is difficult for you to handle. Perhaps suggest you go out together. Or maybe even offer to help her solve the problem. Like my classmate at school, that little girl is about to find out that wetting yourself at school is a mistake that will stick with you throughout primary school.

Chillyegg · 02/09/2017 09:25

Erm you sound really mean about s 4 YEAR OLD. It's not the child's fault and if anyone's at fault it's the parents. However some children do have toileting issues for all sorts of reasons

swingofthings · 02/09/2017 09:25

Your right not to want the child there if you are so concerns about her wetting your things. Your decision whether it's worth potentially losing a friend over it.

However, your attitude towards her having accidents is quite ignorant, so if you were my friend, well you wouldn't be any longer!

Both my kids had accidents (and by that I don't mean only trickles) for what felt like a long time. Yes it was frustrating and yes it felt like they should have been able to avoid them, but it was nothing to do with getting attention, they actually hated having accidents. In both instances, it was a mix of them drinking a lot (water) because they were thirsty a lot and having weak bladders (as confirmed by doctors). They really struggled to hold for longer than a few seconds.

So despite being top of their class, they were also one of the latest to be totally dried. They got there though, and DD will now applying to go to medical school.

Thankfully, none of my friends were judgmental as you seem to be and band my kids from their house.

Pengggwn · 02/09/2017 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shivermytimbers · 02/09/2017 09:28

Wheredoes Do you not think that if a child feels that the only way they can get attention is by wetting themselves then his might be an indication of some complex issues going on?

Partypolitics99 · 02/09/2017 09:29
Hmm
honeylulu · 02/09/2017 09:31

Well I agree with you OP. I feel sorry for the girl but I don't want anyone pissing and shitting on my carpets and sofa either.

Original poster
PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:33

@WhereDoes I agree.

@shivermytimbers I don't disagree, but DD gets near-constant attention from both parents. DD pooed under the dressing up clothes at nursery a few months back and delighted in telling us (and the nursery staff) at the end of the day. I'm not saying she's a bad kid! Just that this is my theory as to what's going on.

I'm not saying my friend is a bad parent (just that I would tackle it differently, not that it matters, because she's not my child!) I'm only concerned with how I deal with the fallout. I don't want to upset my friend, but I also don't want to have to replace my sofa and I'd really rather not have the worry. If it were me, I'd be worried (as a parent) about spoiling people's carpets / furniture.

OP posts:
missiondecision · 02/09/2017 09:40

This is honestly one the meanest things I've read on mn.
Definitely don't have the child to your house. You are clearly not equipped to be decent to her.
Enuresis is not nice for anyone, child or adult. It's difficult to pinpoint a reason, but there will one. Even if your expert opinion is correct and its attention seeking. The child is attention seeking for a reason. Imvho that needs to be looked into.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/09/2017 09:42

Can't you insist on nappies/ pull ups if she's in your house?
The parent needs to make sure this child doesn't go around weeing and poking everywhere, its very antisocial whatever the reason for it.
And I suspect the parents must have deep seated issues to even contemplate allowing it outside their own home.

DragonsandDungeons · 02/09/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zippydoodah · 02/09/2017 09:48

I wouldn't want her round because I wouldn't want the mess and responsibilty. Would be happy if she were in a pull up, though. I don't think it's fair to be asked really.

HOWEVER, my DD was late developing and it sounds like her. People often wrongly assume it is a parenting issue. Scarily, even some professionals we met did and suggested discipline!! Sadly, these methods only serve to destroy the child's slef esteem as the judgements did mine

Squeegle · 02/09/2017 09:48

I think it's perfectly reasonable yo ask if the little girl could wear a pull-up. These things happen, but you are not going to relax if you're constantly worried about accidents.

At the end of the day you're being a bit judgmental about the best way to deal with it, but it's fair enough to not expect your home to be weed over!