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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to invite friend's DD over?

162 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:10

My friend has a DD who is starting school shortly. The DD pees herself most days. They've taken her to a doctor etc, and basically the issue appears to be that there is no deterrent for doing it (which is what I always expected). Much like my SS, if they are engrossed in what they are doing then they'd rather not have to get up and go to the loo. The parents don't really discipline the child, and I think she enjoys the attention she gets from doing it. She's only really happy when she's the centre of attention, so I think it's all related. All this is an aside really, just wanted to explain that I don't think the child has any serious underlying issues, just that it's behavioural (she's had tests for cystitis etc).

The last time the child visited, she wet herself (narrowly avoiding my sofa) and then, after running around with no knickers on, nearly pooed on the floor (her Mum only just noticed the 'poo dance' in time). I find it super stressful having her over, I'm always on edge wondering if she's going to pee on the sofa (this has happened at another friend's house) or if she'll pee the bed (sometimes they 'put her to bed' at mine so they can stay late).

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

zippydoodaar · 02/09/2017 11:18

It would annoy me but at the end of the day you're not sure exactly what is happening here.

I think the whole thing would make me feel very conflicted. I would therefore only meet up with my friend (minus her daughter) to avoid me saying/doing something I would later regret.

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 11:21

@3EyedRaven I'd expect a parent to say something along the lines of 'DD, we go to the toilet, we don't wee on the carpet / sofa etc.' When she does it, literally nothing is said. I know you don't want to tell a child off for it, but surely you have to say something?

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 02/09/2017 11:21

Hold Ups haha my brain went straight to a cowboy movie so I didn't think you were being a pervert

Yanbu as far as I'm concerned and I have 5DC and our youngest DD9 still has accidents because she's disabled(she's asd and has some physical disabilities she can use the toilet but it's such a fight to get her to go on there) and it's bloody soul destroying for us as her parents but there is no way I would expect friends or family to have to deal with our DD going a toilet on they're sofa or carpet.

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 11:25

@SuburbanRhonda GP and someone else who specialises in that kind of stuff (I profess to know little about toilet training, so no idea who that might be). They haven't followed it up afaik.

OP posts:

hannah1992 · 02/09/2017 11:27

The op said she does the "wee dance" so this girl knows she needs to go to the toilet it's not a case of it suddenly happening. For whatever reason she is deliberately weeding/pooing where she shouldn't be. Like the nursery incident and then tells everybody she has done so. Personally I think the parents need to change tack. This isn't a medical problem it's her being naughty to get attention or whatever and she will carry on doing it while ever she is getting positive attention for it!

My friends son around 3 /4 years old used to pee on the floor everytime he got sent to time out. She used to send him to stand on a spot for time out and every single time he peed. So she was then the question she and changing his clothes and cleaning the floor and the time out wasn't completed because he'd peed and he knew that and that's why he did it. So she left him there for his time regardless and he soon stopped.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2017 11:28

I was going to say you're not unreasonable, and the parents need to take some responsibility, even if that is wearing pull ups or keeping a closer eye.

However are you the same person who doesn't want the child at your lunch either? And who only invited the woman with the baby by mistake?

I'm wondering if you have issues with children which are maybe making you over estimate the risk. I would say though in neither thread in isolation are you being unreasonable.

Those who think a kid should be welcome everywhere or you shouldn't be worried about one peeing or shitting on your soft furnishings are a bit unusual in my view, no one in their right mind likes that and would happily buy a new sofa, but wonder if there is more going on with you.

usernamealreadytaken · 02/09/2017 11:28

For all those flaming OP for using the term deterrent, surely a deterrent doesn't have to be a punishment such as 'rubbing her nose in her pissy knickers' 3eyed or a 'time out'; a deterrent can be simply saying 'we don't do that, it is not acceptable' or 'we have to go home now because you need clean clothes' or 'you cannot play with that because you pooed on it' so there are consequences to her actions. Something simple that she will understand; consequences do not have to be harsh or humiliating, but it should be clear that if you do that, this is the consequence.

A friend of mine's DS was not night dry until about 8; when he came to stay at ours with my DS she simply provided a pull up for overnight, and he did not argue he knew that it was acceptable to wear a pull up, but not acceptable to possibly wee all over his friend or their bed.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2017 11:30

If she does the dance, she knows she needs to go and so would her parent if they were watching her. I'm not sure it's naughtiness, I'd wonder why she wasn't going to the loo or asking to go, where she would prefer to wet herself than ask to use the loo.

demirose87 · 02/09/2017 11:31

Yabu in that you are judgemental towards your friend and her daughter. she's a child, these things happen. However, of course you have the right to have whoever you do or don't want in your home. But realise that if your friend knew that her daughter isn't welcome in your house she is likely to see that you're not a very good friend.

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 11:32

@Bluntness100 I explained in my previous post that the reason I didn't want the woman with the baby at the lunch was because I didn't really know her all that well, I had intended for it to be close friends only and I've only seen woman-with-baby maybe only twice this year. Nothing to do with her having a baby!

Yes, I didn't want a 4-year-old at a lunch intended for adults. I don't think that's unreasonable.

OP posts:

Welshrainbow · 02/09/2017 11:35

You say your friend is ignoring it and not saying anything when the child does it but if she is doing it for attention this is probably the best solution, ignore the accidents and give no attention for them but praise her hugely for actually using the toilet. Sounds like a good parent to me although a better one would alibviously be cleaning up the mess for you however as best I remember you haven't said that she doesn't.
As pontes out though it's very unusual for a child to be doing it on purpose especially if she's not getting any attention for it.

demirose87 · 02/09/2017 11:37

People's priorities change when they have children and their focus are their children, not friendships. OP if your friendships are important to you I think you need to understand this and be more supportive. It could be seen as very hurtful if you are so quick to dismiss your friend's children.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2017 11:40

I woukd insist on the child wearing pull ups when she comes, or meet outside, like park or her house.

Karmapolicearrestthisman · 02/09/2017 11:40

Something doesn't add up here.

You say she's doing it for attention, them are irritated that the parents ignore her accidents. Which is it? It can't be both.

It seems like you just dislike this child so see everything she does in a bad light, even down to an embarrassing continence issue.

NormaSmuff · 02/09/2017 11:42

is if your DD that throws a tantrum when you suggest your friend's daughter uses your loo?
can you set an example and have time for toilet for all dc?

NormaSmuff · 02/09/2017 11:44

I suggest any meetings happen at her house, a park, anywhere but your house op.
and see if you can encourage her to go to the loo, in a roundabout way, by suggesting all the DC use the loo

NormaSmuff · 02/09/2017 11:44

or even all the adults use the loo

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/09/2017 11:56

Well yanbu to not want your stuff peed on. And the parents are bu to put a child who isn't reliably toilet trained in your bed for eg. I'm assuming they don't provide a sheet. But then you are also being u for allowing it and then complaining you are worried about accidents.
I wouldn't personally want to confuse the child by using occasional pull ups. I think you just have to accept that there are certain restrictions on what you can do for eg places you can go while toilet training your child.
Yabvvvu to suggest the child is disciplined or put in time out though. That's totally against current advice as it frequently leads to anxiety and more wetting. How your friends toilet train their child is nothing to do. Protecting your property from damage is your business and completely in control. Just meet them somewhere or visit them until the child is older.

Garliccalamari · 02/09/2017 11:56

I kind of agree with the OP. One of my friends has a DS who still is incontinent at 9 years old (mental disabilities). When he has an accident in my house (multiple times a day) his mum cleans him up pronto and puts him in clean jeans. There is no naked running around because he will ruin the furniture.

Of course the child can't help it but the parents should help to prevent soiled furniture. It's not that difficult to clean up and change a child. And my friend does ask her DS frequently if he needs the loo. The doctors recommend doing that as part of normal toilet training to see if he will eventually learn to make the connection.

chocorabbit · 02/09/2017 12:05

One of my DC was nearly 4 when he was fully toilet trained and we didn't use a nappy to encourage him to use the toilet instead. So did the nursery who were saints!

HOWEVER, we would have never done this at somebody else's house, let alone on their beds!!

They can parent however they want but not in other people's houses!

Framboise18 · 02/09/2017 12:12

Am with you op !!!

Whinesalot · 02/09/2017 12:22

Yep agree that the no pull up theory is fine in their own house. Despite being sympathetic to the issues, in my house it's a pull up or no visiting I'm afraid. I wouldn't be pirated tho risk an accident. I don't want a naked child running around either.

Nuttynoo · 02/09/2017 12:32

If your friend has a 4 yo that wees and poos themselves then she should insist they wear nappies when out and about. Sounds like the mum just hasn't potty trained and is probably making stuff up about the GP referral - plenty of parents would do that at DC's school.

MaggieSimpson44 · 02/09/2017 12:36

YABU for posting a nasty judgemental post about how your "friend's" child needs more discipline in order to be fully toilet trained. My ds is a similar age, we have tried everything, from consequences, frequent reminders, to totally ignoring. Nothing has worked fully. It's not an issue of discipline some children just struggle.

Don't invite the child round if you don't want to but don't be surprised if your friend eventually moves on to more understanding friendships.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 02/09/2017 12:40

Just as an aside, someone upthread mentioned that pull-ups could hinder things, as the child may not feel wet. This is easily remedied by wearing cotton knickers under the pull-up..

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