Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite friend's DD over?

162 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:10

My friend has a DD who is starting school shortly. The DD pees herself most days. They've taken her to a doctor etc, and basically the issue appears to be that there is no deterrent for doing it (which is what I always expected). Much like my SS, if they are engrossed in what they are doing then they'd rather not have to get up and go to the loo. The parents don't really discipline the child, and I think she enjoys the attention she gets from doing it. She's only really happy when she's the centre of attention, so I think it's all related. All this is an aside really, just wanted to explain that I don't think the child has any serious underlying issues, just that it's behavioural (she's had tests for cystitis etc).

The last time the child visited, she wet herself (narrowly avoiding my sofa) and then, after running around with no knickers on, nearly pooed on the floor (her Mum only just noticed the 'poo dance' in time). I find it super stressful having her over, I'm always on edge wondering if she's going to pee on the sofa (this has happened at another friend's house) or if she'll pee the bed (sometimes they 'put her to bed' at mine so they can stay late).

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/09/2017 10:20

Some people's bladders mature later than others. The problem is that parents won't leave the kids with immature bladders in nappies for longer but behave as though they are toilet trained when they aren't. If this kid wore a pull up nappy, especially when out this wouldn't be a problem. Every few months the parents put the child in pants and have another go at toilet training, preferably in a school holiday.

Resurgam2016 · 02/09/2017 10:21

thats that you are on edge suggests that you are being proactive and managing the issue. It just doesn't sound like the OP's friend is taking any sort of proactive approach. So OP is on tenterhooks that she will have urine sodden furniture which is difficult to clean post visit.

One of my DC had issues for a while and we had a deal that he'd wear nappy pants in socially difficult situations. Not because he had a 'problem' but because it's kinder as a guest to do so.

AmIthatbloodycold · 02/09/2017 10:21

YANBU

it's not mean to not want someone else's child pissing on your furniture

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/09/2017 10:22

Kettle, nobody would want a child to wee on their sofa, or in their bed.
I think you should speak to your friend, about using nappy pants, if she is coming over, or take her out instead.

Donttouchthethings · 02/09/2017 10:29

OP, I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. I wouldn't want wee and poo on my sofa either! I can't imagine having a friendship where this would be considered OK. I would just be nice about it though and suggest meeting somewhere else.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 02/09/2017 10:29

YANBU Faeces is relatively easy to clean off soft furnishing but urine will write off a sofa. I wouldn't want her at mine unless she was closely supervised and double bagged.

3EyedRaven · 02/09/2017 10:31

What do you want her Mum to do exactly? Rub her face in her pissy knickers? Flog her?

3EyedRaven · 02/09/2017 10:32

That's in reference to the 'no deterrent' (which you've always suspected).

Grace789 · 02/09/2017 10:33

Yanbu this child is clearly not potty trained, the parents shouldn't be letting her walk around other people's houses pissing on the floor. The mother is bu for not using pull ups /nappies whilst in other people's property.

Trollspoopglitter · 02/09/2017 10:36

I don't think you're a wanker and I find it Hmm at the posters attacking you because they're such better, kinder people.

I went through hell with pee on sofas potty training my own kids and I don't see anything wrong with you not wanting to go through it when you feel (and cans see) the child's parents aren't really trying everything they can to tackle the issue.

I would simply decline all suggestions at your house. Do you think they will confront you and ask "Is it because of the accidents?"

If yes, you can simply say your own child's potty training nearly broke you and your anxieties are just too much - you find you can't relax in your own home and you worry their child is picking up on your anxieties and it's fuelling the situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2017 10:38

My friends ds used to poo himself regularly. He didn't get the feeling he needed to go. He did it for a few years into school and only resolved itself when he was about 8. Friend saw professionals and found nothing wrong. He also had some wee incidents several months ago and that was found to be a bladder infection.

I can absolutely understand it is stressful to have children round, who may damage your furniture. As a parent, I'd be embarrassed that my child had ruined an item of furniture but I care about my things and not everyone else does. Also parents are told not to react to an accident as it can lead to negative attention being better than nothing at all. So perhaps these things come into play.

Snausage · 02/09/2017 10:40

My DS is almost 3 and he is similar in that he throws a strop whenever I take him to the loo if he doesn't want to go. I still take him, though, and he can strop all he likes.

I would be mortified if he peed on someone's sofa or almost shat himself (with no pants on!) in someone else's home (being ill notwithstanding) because I hadn't taught him that this wasn't acceptable. I certainly wouldn't impose that on anyone.

OP, I don't think that YABU. It sounds as if your friend needs to take a bit of responsibility. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like an incontinence issue but that she does it for attention. Pooing under the dressing up clothes and then delighting in telling people and throwing a tantrum because one is asked to sit on the loo are not the acts of a child who is embarrassed or upset because they find they're unable to control their bladder or bowel movements. It sounds as if she finds it funny. If that's the case, it's up to her parents to deal with it. If I were in your position, I'd be very frank with my friend and tell her that I just couldn't deal with her child excreting with abandon in my home. The odd accident is fine and to be expected but, from your description, this is more than the odd accident.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 02/09/2017 10:42
  • Get a cheap fleece throw for your sofa.
  • Priase the child for using your toilet (put a floating plastic toy in it or something to make it more fun).
  • Be more understanding, they may be pretending not to be bothered out of embarrassment.
missmollyhadadolly · 02/09/2017 10:44

Yes, OP, you should be totally happy to have this child potentially pissing and shitting all over your house, even your sofa and bed!

It doesn't matter what her issue is, it's for her parents to sort.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. I wouldn't want this stress.

Could you have a word with nursery? Maybe they can tell the parents they need to up the discipline.

SaveMeBarry · 02/09/2017 10:47

Whatever the cause of the child's toilet problems, Op is not BU to not want to invite her over. It seems there's a high likelihood that this little girl will soil herself and Ops carpet/furnishings, there aren't that many people who would just shrug and say "oh well" to that are there? I mean at age 4 a child's piss and shit smell as bad as any adults, I certainly wouldn't be happy with it. Yes Op sounds unimpressed with the parents efforts (or what she sees as lack of effort) but presumably she's not lecturing them on what to do.

To be honest if I was in this situation and the parents were this laid back about my home, I think I would tell them that I couldn't have her over because of this issue. It's up to them to try to establish what's causing this (and it may well be medical, GPs aren't specialists) but they shouldn't expect other people to just accept a high likelihood of piss and shit covered furnishings!

Dragongirl10 · 02/09/2017 10:49

YANBU...and l am shocked that so many are being rude to you op.....you have only stated facts, and this is not your issue, entirely up to he parents...however l wouldn't want this child in my home either!

Suggest you meet elsewhere and say why kindly if parent asks....a good friend would understand you don't want to deal with urine on furniture.

LadyPenelope68 · 02/09/2017 10:49

You think she should have Time out for wetting herself? Oh yes, that's really not going to make an issue of it. Here you go, my first ever Biscuit

Lelloteddy · 02/09/2017 10:51

It's the sort of situation where you need to be honest with her. Tell her that it's an issue for you and open up a discussion about the strategies you used to successfully toilet train your own children. How old are they now and at what age were they reliably toilet trained?

UnicornSparkles1 · 02/09/2017 10:54

I wouldn't want anyone's kid pissing or shitting on my furniture/floors. Whether that's a potty training toddler or a much older child. YANBU to tell them to put her in pull ups or to meet away from your house.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/09/2017 10:55

I'm surprised she's been "checked out by professionals" unless you mean by the GP for a UTI.

Our nurse-led enuresis clinic won't take children under 7.

SilverySurfer · 02/09/2017 11:02

YANBU OP. Do I assume correctly then that all the posters telling the OP she is mean and unreasonable are perfectly happy for a child to wee and poo on their furniture and carpets? I don't believe it. Are there no bounds to the sense of entitlement felt by some parents - it's absurd.

Wdigin2this · 02/09/2017 11:10

Well no, I wouldn't want her weeing on my sofa/carpet/bed either, so I think I'd go along with the outdoors idea!

NataliaOsipova · 02/09/2017 11:11

the issue is probably more with the parents and the fact that they themselves aren't concerned about the child making a mess in someone else's house.

I agree with you - and there's not much you can do about it! So - on that basis - I don't think you're wrong not to want to have her round to house. Most people would be more considerate than that, in my experience. For example, we had some friends to stay recently. I only knew that their DD occasionally wets the bed at night because the mother got out a pull up and asked the child to put it on before she went to sleep "just in case as I know you wouldn't like to have an accident in the little Nats' bedroom". No drama at all. Just a bit of thought on her part.

HazelBite · 02/09/2017 11:15

If your child is unreliable when it comes to toileting, it is only reasonable for your child to wear a pull up when you visit someone else's home, and at four years old if the child objects to wearing it, the reason can be explained.
I feel sympathy for the OP, my friend bought her daughter round to mine when she was toilet training, the child went behind the floor length curtains wrapped them around herself and wee'd, we never got rid of the stains, despite having them dry cleaned and the carpet was badly stained as well (god knows what she had been drinking!) both had to be replaced.
However it was a one off and my friend was mortified. It sounds like the OP's friends are not that bothered, and I think that is why the Op is cross.

TormundsGingerBeard · 02/09/2017 11:16

YANBU

Who honestly wants to run the risks of having someone pee/crap on their furniture? The place would smell like a fucking zoo after a few 'accidents' seeping into the soft furnishings.

Pull-ups on the child when they visit, or meet up somewhere (anywhere!) away from your home.

Swipe left for the next trending thread