To not want to invite friend's DD over?

[PutTheKettleOn9989]

My friend has a DD who is starting school shortly. The DD pees herself most days. They've taken her to a doctor etc, and basically the issue appears to be that there is no deterrent for doing it (which is what I always expected). Much like my SS, if they are engrossed in what they are doing then they'd rather not have to get up and go to the loo. The parents don't really discipline the child, and I think she enjoys the attention she gets from doing it. She's only really happy when she's the centre of attention, so I think it's all related. All this is an aside really, just wanted to explain that I don't think the child has any serious underlying issues, just that it's behavioural (she's had tests for cystitis etc).

The last time the child visited, she wet herself (narrowly avoiding my sofa) and then, after running around with no knickers on, nearly pooed on the floor (her Mum only just noticed the 'poo dance' in time). I find it super stressful having her over, I'm always on edge wondering if she's going to pee on the sofa (this has happened at another friend's house) or if she'll pee the bed (sometimes they 'put her to bed' at mine so they can stay late).

AIBU? WWYD?

YANBU OP

My dd is 6 and still wets herself. What would your have me do? Never leave the house?
She has a 'sensitive bladder' and some other issues. She sees the continence team, but at four years old the GP wouldn't refer and told us because she didn't have have a bladder infection that it was a training issue. I spent a further two years trying to 'train' her till we got a referral. Now it's a lot better due to the correct advice but it's still an issue. Every time she goes on a play date, or does a gymnastics lesson/performance my heart is in my mouth because she's very shy and if the other kids noticed an accident and teased her it would really affect her.
So thanks for the advice OP maybe I should have given her a time out!

Oh please - the OP isn't being 'mean', she just doesn't want somebody else's kid weeing and pooing at random in her home.

I wouldn't want it either and I can't imagine why the parents are okay with it happening in other people's houses. It's very disrespectful imo.

@ThatsWotSheSaid That sounds tough. No, I'm not saying you should tell her off for it. When you and she are at someone else's house, does she wear hold-ups?

Pull up nappies even! OMG. Not hold-ups. Christ. I'll get criticised for being a paedo next.

Ah it must be hard for mum also?

I'd say it depends how much you value the friendship with the mum. I'd be gutted to know a "friend" felt this way about my child and their "behaviours" so wouldnt visit anyway.

It's a 4 year old.

Is this the same child you didn't want at your celebration lunch? Or do you just have a lot of friends with children whom you don't like?

Everyone is being quite nasty about OP. So, she does not want someone else's child pissing and shitting on her belongings. Hardly unreasonable.

Sorry, but I'm with you OP. Whether she is 4 or not, if I saw that the parents themselves weren't helping the situation, I wouldn't have her in my house either. Getting pee out of a sofa is no fun.

@unfortunateevents I'm at that age where I have lots of friends with kids of similar ages!

No. We have been advised against pull ups because they don't encourage her to feel when she's wet. She has low registration so often doesn't know when she needs to go or is wet. She still can't tell if she needs a poo or a wee when she does realise she has to go. Most of the time now she has small accidents (just wet pants) then she realises and does the rest in the loo so sofas would be safe. Luckily she's never wee'd on anyone's else's sofa.

YANBU and I speak as someone who's child struggled with accidents. If I was your friend I wouldn't even want to take my child to your house unless she was wearing pull-ups as I would hate for your belongings to be damaged as it's extremely hard to get pee out of sofas etc.

If someone else's child went to the toilet in my house on the floor/furniture at that age, I'd give the parents bleach and offer them a pull-up. It's ridiculous if she's not got any additional needs that they're pandering to it and I agree with you. A 4 year old can understand their physical urges and choose to ignore them. Hence 'poo dance'.

Just say adults only next time

How is the OP being mean by not wanting her sofa pissed on?! Would you all be reacting similarly if it were a dog lifting its leg on the furniture? Either way, the sofa gets wrecked. Either way, I wouldn't want the child/dog in my living room.

Aren't the parents using pull ups?

Enuresis is not nice for anyone, child or adult. It's difficult to pinpoint a reason, but there will one. Even if your expert opinion is correct and its attention seeking. The child is attention seeking for a reason. Imvho that needs to be looked into.

I agree. The vast majority of children do not wet themselves for attention.

YANBU. I wouldn't want someone else's kid pissing and shitting all over my house either.

Why is almost everyone being mean to the OP?

It isn't the issue that the child is wetting but that the parent doesn't see it as an issue. A close friend of mine has DC who still wets at night (8)

Not unusual and in no way a crime. Real issue is friend ignores it leaving us to have to try to clean sodden mattresses ( she moved beds during the night from protection sheet). When suggested she wear a pull up ' oh no they wouldn't like it'. Other friend left me to clear up toilet training DC who had left poo all down the hall carpet.

YANBU OP. Your house. You get to choose.

Some of the responses here are a bit harsh. Calling the OP a wanker? The OP said the girl's GP has ruled out any underlying medical issue and thinks the wetting is behavioural. The parents won't do anything to encourage the kid to use the toilet and she's now revelling in the attention she gets from it. How is the OP BU for not wanting to facilitate that at her house?

The friend obviously doesn't care about her dd wetting your beds or sofa. I think it's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't like the situation. I don't know who would if they were being honest.

It's not unreasonable to not want someone weeing or peeing on your sofa or in a bed.
i don't think the OP is suggesting punishments for the child. I took her to mean that the parent doesn't seem to offer any guidance to the child to help her, or to pre empt the behaviour.
The child will find it very difficult at school with the current situation as the other children will notice.

The op is being mean mael
A nice person would say something like
My friend's dd has problems with toileting, of course I don't want her to mess in my house, any suggestions???
The way the op has described events is unkind and stating the bloody obvious. No one wants accidents on the furniture or floor.

The GP hasn't ruled out medical issues they just said it's not an infection.
I think that people are been mean because lots of us have had experience with continence issues. If you feel on edge about it for a short time imagine that being your whole life everyday, ever activity, every time you go anywhere. I'm constantly monitoring drinking and toileting. I have to bring spare clothes everwhere. Always know where the toilet is. Have the whole 'conversation' with ever childminder, teacher, parent, gym coach, dance teacher, party host etc etc!

I would't want urine on my furniture or carpets, no matter how much I liked someone, so for that reason I wouldn't want her in my house. I don't know much about the medical side of her problem, but is there a reason why her mother doesn't have her wear pull ups?

@missiondecision I accept that I should have reworded my original post. It probably sounded judgemental, I didn't mean it to be. She has toileting issues. It's not for me to tell the parents how to parent or deal with them (and they've had the child checked by professionals).

As has been pointed out, the issue is probably more with the parents and the fact that they themselves aren't concerned about the child making a mess in someone else's house. I can only assume it hadn't occurred to them. I think hold-ups are an idea and I will consider suggesting this as a solution if the toilet issues continue.

FFS PULL UP NAPPIES.