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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite friend's DD over?

162 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 02/09/2017 09:10

My friend has a DD who is starting school shortly. The DD pees herself most days. They've taken her to a doctor etc, and basically the issue appears to be that there is no deterrent for doing it (which is what I always expected). Much like my SS, if they are engrossed in what they are doing then they'd rather not have to get up and go to the loo. The parents don't really discipline the child, and I think she enjoys the attention she gets from doing it. She's only really happy when she's the centre of attention, so I think it's all related. All this is an aside really, just wanted to explain that I don't think the child has any serious underlying issues, just that it's behavioural (she's had tests for cystitis etc).

The last time the child visited, she wet herself (narrowly avoiding my sofa) and then, after running around with no knickers on, nearly pooed on the floor (her Mum only just noticed the 'poo dance' in time). I find it super stressful having her over, I'm always on edge wondering if she's going to pee on the sofa (this has happened at another friend's house) or if she'll pee the bed (sometimes they 'put her to bed' at mine so they can stay late).

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Doglikeafox · 02/09/2017 17:44

I wouldn't be too quick to judge OP. Although it may seem one way to you, it might not be that way. I would organise a meeting somewhere outside so that it doesn't damage any of your things, or not at all if you don't want to.
I'm a childminder and used to look after a little girl who was almost 4. She used to use wetting herself as a bargaining tool with her parents, and many a time would try it on with me and say 'if you don't let me do X, I'm going to wee myself'... and she would. She did it once on my brand new sofa and from then on I insisted that she wore a pull up at my house at all times. The difference here was that I spoke to mum first who was happy with this arrangement, and I knew for a fact the child was doing it deliberately whereas you sound somewhat unsure.

LucieLucie · 02/09/2017 17:45

Yanbu - I wouldn't allow her past the front door either!!

If there's nothing medically wrong then it's a massive parenting fail by that age I don't care what anyone else says, it's not acceptable.

As for allowing her to roam about with no knickers on...they know she were herself yet fail to bring changes of clothing? Yuk.

If she did it in my home and soiled my furniture or carpets I'd tell her off if the parents didn't.

Cubtrouble · 02/09/2017 17:56

I can't understand why the child's mother is not dealing with this when outside the house? I would be mortified if my child pee'd or pooed on someone else's furniture!

But it wouldn't have happened because they would have worn a pull-up? For the child to keep wetting herself must be hard for her- a friend did exactly the to her child and it went on forever is this hideous cycle of telling off and having accidents.

That being said yanbu for not wanting your stuff spoilt

KimchiLaLa · 02/09/2017 17:58

Op i agree with you that the child's parents need to do more. If it's not anything but them basically encouraging it why should you and your furniture deal with it? Hmm

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/09/2017 18:16

GPs will not usually refer to enuresis clinics until a child is 7 . Therefore an underlying medical reason has not been ruled out.

I would suggest that OP speaks to her friend and suggests she reads up on enuresis and hints for parents and perhaps has a read herself.

deadringer · 02/09/2017 18:20

I think you sound a bit judgy op but if I am honest I wouldn't want her in my house either. Mn amazes me sometimes, guests have to remove their shoes at the door, but they are welcome to piss on the sofa. Hmm

PollyFlint · 02/09/2017 18:55

To be honest I don't think the reason the child routinely wets herself is the issue here - the problem is that her parents know that she wees and poos on other people's furniture but still assume it's fine to bring her round to other people's houses without pull-ups on.

As for people saying 'You need to put a toy in your toilet and encourage her to use it and buy a cheap throw for your sofa for when she comes round' ... sorry, but no. It's not her child and she shouldn't be the one having to piss-proof her furniture and taking on toilet-training responsibilities. Her parents need to put pull-ups on her or they need to be the ones to host the get-togethers.

YANBU, OP - I wouldn't want this in my house either.

As an aside, I'm always amused by how many Mumsnetters seem to think that children's piss and shit is somehow different from an adult's and therefore absolutely fine to inflict on other people. It's really not. Just because it emerges from your PFB's sacred bum, that doesn't mean it's made of candy floss and moonbeams, you know. It's a revolting stinking turd like anyone else's.

purpleprincess24 · 02/09/2017 18:56

You wouldn't take a baby without a nappy, I'm failing to see the difference

Mittens1969 · 02/09/2017 19:44

I wasn't saying that. If the DD is properly dressed and has changes of clothing, there's no reason why she would wet herself. But it's not the OP's problem.

Re an infection, I think if she's dry at night she obviously doesn't. That's what I kept thinking with my DD1, she had been dry at night from two and a half.

If the parents don't do anything to train her, you're absolutely within your rights to refuse to have her in your house. What they do to stop her wetting herself in your house is their business.

emmyrose2000 · 03/09/2017 04:26

YANBU

grecian100 · 03/09/2017 06:40

As a parent of a child who still has continence isdues at 14 (SEN) YANBU OP. Why on earth is her mother letting her go bare bummed in someone elses house knowing that she has bowel issues? This sounds like an issue with your friend, rather than her dd.

dingodon · 03/09/2017 07:30

Agree x 10 with PollyFlint

DressedCrab · 03/09/2017 07:43

I can't believe the abuse OP is getting for not wanting her furniture and carpets pissed and shat on.

YANBU.

FrancisCrawford · 03/09/2017 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiteroseredrose · 03/09/2017 08:03

Also agree with PollyFlint. Perfectly put. .

Mittens1969 · 03/09/2017 08:27

She hasn't actually wee on the sofa, she narrowly avoided it on the last visit, and then nearly pooed on the carpet, which the friend did spot in time.

What I can't understand is, why leave her without knickers on? Have a change of clothing ready with you, it's basic. The DD is not a toddler anymore.

There are such things as training pants which she could wear, she can wear them for visits to friends' houses and it looks like she'll have to wear them to school.

But walking around without knickers in a friend's house and nearly pooing on the carpet is just gross, sorry, at 4 years old. What is her mum going to do when she starts school this coming week??? Teachers and TAs are too busy to be toilet training, fgs.

ElsaMars · 03/09/2017 08:35

It's not ideal, I'll agree but to suggest the child/parent is at fault with a laissez faire attitude just isn't very nice or empathetic.

My neice, 5 has similar issues but it's only a bit of wee for goodness sake. And with my neice it's only her own knickers that get wet. I dont mind what she does in my house, making her self conscious about it only makes it worse.

3EyedRaven · 03/09/2017 08:41

I mean, sure OP, I would probably assume that she should say something along those lines.
I just don't believe for a second that a medical professional has said this is happening because there is no deterrent.

3EyedRaven · 03/09/2017 08:51

Allthebestnamesareused
Yes, my GP referred my DD at 5, but that's only because there's a family history of bladder & kidney issues.
The paediatrician told me the same thing, that they don't really worry until they're 7, as their organs aren't matured until then.
In terms of 'Doing the wee dance' meaning they know thy need to go, a lot of bladder problems deal with 'urgency', meaning you have no sensation of needing to go to the toilet, until you're bladder is completely full. Then you HAVE to go straight away, it's going from 0 to 100. So seconds before the wee dance feeling no sensation isn't uncommon.

Mittens1969 · 03/09/2017 08:52

@ElsaMars, yes that is what used to happen with DD1, until she was 7 years old. By then it was mainly poo, not wee. She sometimes came home with soiled knickers and I used to worry about her being teased because of the smell.

In the case of the friend's DD the problem is that they're letting her run around without knickers after the accident. Why didn't they bring a change of clothing with them? The OP shouldn't be subjected to her friend's potty training accidents potentially messing up her house. I'd have been mortified.

heartstornastray · 03/09/2017 08:53

I'm sure all those giving the OP a hard time would be delighted to have a child roaming round their house peeing and pooing. Imagine having your lovely expensive sofa soaked through with piss, would you really think "it's only a bit of wee"? Sorry but i don't believe it. Hmm

watchingitallagain · 03/09/2017 09:25

Oh every one is an expert on continence issues until they actually encounter them themselves! I'm truly astonished by some of the truly revolting responses on this thread. You are discussing a four year old with a medical issue not a fucking naughty puppy!

heartstornastray · 03/09/2017 09:53

The issue isn't with the child with continence issues but with the mother who doesn't address the problem in other people's houses.

user1497997754 · 03/09/2017 09:59

See friend somewhere else....not your house....go to hers....if child wants to wee and shit everywhere let it be in her own home where mummy can clean it up....I would never even dream of taking my daughter to anybody's house if my child had this problem...I would be far to embarrassed....does your friend not see that this is unacceptable

Mittens1969 · 03/09/2017 11:05

It's not difficult; just make her go to the toilet when you first arrives at friend's house, and again before and after meals. If she argues use the incentive of a treat if she cooperates. This is a child who knows what to do, not a toddler who has no control over her bladder.

The trouble is, the mum isn't here to read all this advice, unless she's on mumsnet herself.